Seasaw
She barely revisited the dating site, forgetting about her experiments. After a while, she only relied on the e-mail notifications and checked back with less and less enthusiasm. Eventually, as her activity decreased, so did the number of notifications. Her profile slowly became inactive, the system showed it up to the men looking for love online less and less frequently.
Yvette was able to safeguard that feeling, the weight of the wine bottle detached from her grip, as the setting sun glinted on the glass of the bottle for the last time as it hit the waves and submerged with a soothing, deep, thudding splash, and the memory of those four careless days. She preserved the inner peace and the rhythm of the mantra.
“I am enough, I am perfect, and I am more than enough! I love myself.” From the addiction for confirmation, attaching all her nails into the feedback from the outside world, she successfully moved away to a state of self-acceptance. She still wanted love, of course, it was still the center of her every waking moment, the dark stranger, the white room from that weird old prophecy written on the pages of her grandmother’s diary, and her thoughts wandered back every once in a while to the mysterious mail she got earlier, which contained one single word. Somehow, all of this was connected, she was sure about it. But she relieved herself from the pressure that weighed her down before, and flowed through life gracefully, without asking for anything but being grateful for what is given to her. She got back to rhythm, started hitting the gym regularly. It wasn’t about fearing she gets left behind for not being eye-catching, it wasn’t about loathing her own body and chasing a dream - it came as an honest dedication towards opening up her inner radiance and showing the world her true form. She did nothing she did not enjoy but her calmed mind helped her feel the difference between sudden desires dictated by her earthly properties and her true, heartfelt wishes. She just walked through life now as a wide-eyed kid, excited but content, always curious about what is lurking behind the next corner, how the twists and turns will unfold, trying to embrace life as it is. She loved Him already, and she would know that he is her soul connection when she sees him, but she had the patience and acceptance now to embrace that she just needs to let go.
She completely let her desperate chase after love by, when half a year later, on an average, cloudy Wednesday, the picture guy answered.
Yvette felt her personal reality turn upside down, and her emotions rushed through her veins like a flood after a dam crash. She heard the angels tearing the sky above her apart, the sudden radiance infusing her body. She jumped in her office, walked up and down next to the full window wall, closed the door, and called Grace.
“Hi honey, what’s up?”
“He messaged me back, Grace. The picture guy got back to me.”
“What?!” Grace laughed hysterically in disbelief “You can’t be serious.”
“It’s true. Amazing, but true.”
“Wow! Amazing, isn’t it, now we are all fluffy-fluffy, hmmm? What did he write?”
“Nothing really. He was busy and then he forgot about the whole date site. He is on holidays and just checked in now. He said he answered immediately and would like to meet me as soon as he gets back, since he is not the mailing and chatting kinda guy…” she gave a sheepish smile.
“Wow. Cool! So how do you feel? After all those months, I mean, you kind of let it all go.”
“My heart is racing, Grace. Phew... This is something… important, I… I needed this break to come to terms with who I am and what I want… he really got back to me only when I was ready…”
“Ha-ha, okay, babe, slow down. You will have plenty of time to melt away after the first date.”
“Yeah, OK, Gracie, I’m out of here. I love you.”
She cut the line and packed her things, still high on adrenaline. She stormed out of her office, sending a few smiles and waves around, but not slowing down for a second, so just everyone sees she is busy leaving. Within two hours, she put the pedal to the metal in her A4, cornering flat out through the mountain trail.
This time, she did not leave her parents’ home for two weeks straight. She took long, lonely walks in the forest, spent hours contemplating in the garden, exercised every day and prayed constantly.
“Please, Universe, I know you are answering my prayers - please help me continue to be a loving and deserving friend, lover, girlfriend, and wife. Please help me to be able to accept him and his quirks for whom he is and please help him to be able to accept me and my quirks for who I am. Please help him to accept my high energy, quirky, weird, radiant, magically imperfect, flawed self. Help him to accept me and not just the material things in my life. I want to be able to share these things with the love of my life.”
It could be argued that Yvette has fallen back like a helpless addict, though she felt very different. She viewed her recluse as a final cleansing, a preparation to take this opportunity as it is. Although she did pray for being ready for embracing her one true love, she did not forcefully believe that simply because this guy shows up after almost 7 months, he has to be special, he has to be the one. But she left that possibility open, and prepared to take advantage if the situation arises.
She did spend longer periods of time here sometimes, couple of times a year, but usually not for in this time of the year, and rarely longer than a week. Spending this much time within these walls and in the countryside around the estate drifted her closer to her childhood, and she felt the presence of her parents growing stronger. She ordered several new curtains, blankets, towels and a plethora of her favorite creams, gels, incenses, while picking herbs from within the leaf litter of the autumn forest. The spacious halls got more and more lively and cozy, life returned into the long abandoned country house. She used the time she spent here to get some of the smaller necessary repairs and maintenance work done. The several different mechanics and repairmen coming and going, in this house, several miles from the nearest settlement gave her some chills, but none of them had funny ideas, or did not express them openly at least. Yvette sometimes wasn’t entirely sure if she was relieved or sorry about all these working men being all so polite and gentlemanly.
One guy, Jack, a plumber, was especially cute - not just because of his muscled shoulders and boyish, disheveled brown hair, but because of his natural, carefree demeanor. He sat with her on the old seesaw after finishing up the repairs in the bathroom. Yvette was delighted - of course, she could not enjoy the seesaw alone before, so now she let out a tiny screams each time the guy’s weight lifted her up in the sky. She was delighted. She enjoyed her solitude, but the effortless friendliness of Jack reminded her of the importance of staying in the now, not sacrificing today for a hazy tomorrow, and always being aware of the gifts life is offering up.
“I’m sorry,” she giggled. “I know you think I got a loose screw.”
“Ah, no, I wouldn’t say that…”
“But you think so!”
“There’s nothing wrong with having fun. It’s just a bit strange, you, all alone, out here. Aren’t you afraid?”
“Well, should I be?” asked Yvette with playful innocence.
“I don’t know. Stupid, I know, but… you know what they say…” said Jack, slowly crawling off the seesaw, letting Yvette descend to the ground gently, and grabbing his gear.
“What do they say?” asked Yvette, and she could not help getting worried.
“Ah, nothing. Old, superstitious folks are living here. It’s just that when we were kids, we never were allowed to get close to this place which is quite okay! The woods nearby are private property. Now, I really need to go, Yvette. It was a pleasure!”
Jack left, and although he said goodbye with a warm smile, handing over his card and insisting that Yvette call him, whatever she needs, she still felt a dark cloud descending on her mood. The silence after he left seemed louder and more encompassing than it was before. Suddenly, when Yvette looked around the great walls of the house, she felt tiny and vulnerable beneath them.
She did not separate herself from her everyday life completely. She did spend time with running the business as well, few hours a day, using her laptop, sometimes sitting out in the garden, under the trees, on the stone benches with blankets and a hot cup of coffee, or at the large wooden table in front of the tall double-winged window with iron reinforcements, in her father’s study room.
She took out her A4 for a spin sometimes, revisiting old childhood hiding spots and nearby villages. She never felt lonely, because she always remembered that her exile is according to her own will. She needed the contemplation, the prayers and the meditation - she balanced her mind with grinding silly dotcoms and series’ on her laptop while wolfing down packs of candy. She was growing a bit too tight and boney from the gym sessions lately, anyway.
Of course, Yvette was also conversing with her guides. Jocelyn was trying to help her maintain her focus, which was not easy, as the day passed and their date with Jay got closer.
“You were so right!” said Yvette “I was just about cancelling my account when the guy I meditated about replied. I’m meeting him this week! Jocelyn!”
“What gentleman did you meditate on?” asked Jocelyn. She was like a statue of an ancient benevolent goddess who is testing the small tiger cub, playing at her feet.
“Well I just…, I said to myself,” said Yvette, trying to get her mind together. “Please, whoever is searching for me, let him find me. And soon after, he did. The guy who was dancing at a parade. His photos were telling a story. A compelling one. He seemed to be the funniest guy on the whole site.”
“Go on,” said Jocelyn. “I sense you have something more to say.”
“It’s like when I wanted Ben although I knew deep inside he wasn’t the one, you told me as well. Sara told me, even Grace told me back then. I could not stop talking to her about Ben, and still she has been telling me, since a long time ago, for more than a year, that he is not the one. This guy, Jay, he is exactly like you said. Sandy brown, curly hair, tan, he is Italian. He is sitting in a spacious apartment… a white room… I can’t help but wonder…”
“I’m sorry, Yvette,” Jocelyn stated quietly. “Something has shifted. He is not the one you are waiting for.”
“What… the.... hell?”
“Go out with him. See where it all takes you. But he is not the one.”
White Room
Grace exhaled, curly white smoke bulged out from between her luscious lips.
“Now, sweetheart,” she said with a slightly hoarse tone. “Tell me everything.”
Yvette rested her head on a red silk pillow after drinking a gulp of red wine. She fondled the glass gently as Grace extinguished the cigarette in a brass ashtray, on which four tiny merry Buddha statuettes danced around with wise smiles on their content faces.
“So we went for a short hike on the hills. It was very natural…”
“Haven’t you been anxious?”
“Of course I’ve been! You know me… But it passed away very clearly. It was very strange and very soothing, Grace. Like…, like both of us knew that this will work out fine, we just need to be patient and get through the early part, you know, when it’s just awkward… it was very friendly, easy… natural, that’s what keeps popping up in my mind, trying to describe it…”
“Was he very different than on the pics?”
“Actually, no! He was exactly like I imagined, only a bit… better. He was smiling a lot. He is nice, full of this strange, restrained emotion. He is not like I imagine the Italians, you know, he was not loud, he is not pushy, he was saying nice things but he wasn’t piling up compliments like crazy. It really felt natural; like the words just flowed from his mouth with ease and passion. He was a bit reserved, almost like being a bit sorry when coming forward with something nice about me… which was very cute actually!”
“Did he turn you on?”
“A lot. After 10 minutes, I kind of wished he banged me right there with my back to one of the tree trunks.”
“Yvette!” Grace laughed warmly “Is that you? I can’t even recognize you. But I like the change, I admit that.”
“Well, yeah, although of course, had he tried it, that would have been… inappropriate. And the place wasn’t that pristine anyway…”
“Oh, of course. Chipmunks watching everywhere. I understand,” said Grace smugly.
“C’mon, there were people there, walking the trails, families… I wasn’t that horny, to land us both in jail. Besides…” she added, dreamily “...he took good care of me, later on.”
“Aww, yeah. I can’t wait for that part in the story.”
“We will get there… pretty soon, to be honest!” Yvette laughed
“You… you kidding me? You had sex on your first date?”
“Soooo, there we were, walking on the trail, engaging in deep, meaningful conversation. The connection was there, it was instant. That’s why I got even… aroused. It was a cascading feeling, like falling into something ever deeper, every word, every minute more reassuring than the one before, it had this certain velocity, if you know what I mean… and when I imagined where it would drag me that was why I felt I want this man, as soon as possible.”
“That’s pretty cool, and I’m proud that you… rode this wave, instead of, you know, get frightened and lock up. Hide away. That little retreat of yours certainly did you good! You got calmer and more confident. Proud of you, babe,” said Grace and smiled at Yvette, moving herself into a cozier position, laying her head on the pillow and hanging her gaze at Yvette’s face who relived the experience with Jay while looking up on the ceiling. “What was he wearing?”
“He wore this casual but cool outfit. Dark jeans, boots, a nice sand colored shirt buttoned up to his stomach, a belt below that. He has this necklace with several pendants, mythological stuff…”
“Egyptian?!”
“Puff, maybe. I don’t know. I think, I forgot to ask… “
“That would be two in one, yeah. Just to be sure that Jocelyn did not accidentally divined your one lover as two different guys.”
“I don’t think so… but I will definitely check the pendants next time. Everything happened pretty quickly, you know… so anyway. He did not think too much about his looks, but it was just fine.”
“Yeah, one thing you can leave to the Italians that they’ve got style.”
“So, you know, it was a hot day… we got thirsty. His apartment was a ten minute drive…”
“How convenient.” She laughed.
“Yeah.”
“So, it was that? On the pics? The white room is his?”
Yvette gulped and nodded silently. “Yep.” she added. “He is the one with the white room.”
“Yvette, I’m sure that several hundreds of thousands of single American men have white seating furniture in their white walled living rooms with dark smoked glass tables. And urban families do as well. And porn studios.”
“You know you’re right. I do as well. I don’t care, it did have a… impression on me. He gave me a glass of iced cocktail when we sat down.”
“He had it all mixed up and on ice before you arrived, I bet.”
“You bet.”
“Thoughtful! Witty old bastard thought about seduce you into his den beforehand.”
“Well, I didn’t even finish the first glass when we started doing it.”
“Wow. How did he… Or was it you?!”
“I don’t know… well, it was him. I turned around on the sofa and I was half on my knees, I wanted to check out this tall black statue of sorts...but…”
“But in fact you just lifted your booty into full view.”
“I think I did. Yeah. So he came closer, you know, to explain something about the statue. But then he grabbed my hip with one hand, and pulled me close, with her other hand on my back.”
“What? Wow. What did you…?” she shifted on the edge of the bed.
“Well, he held me tight, close, and he was rock hard. That hard bulge was tightly pushed against my butt. I… I gasped; I could not say or do anything. In fact, I feared he might stop if I’m questioning him or act surprised… and I did not want him to stop, I wanted him inside me right there. So I just stayed there, shivering, wondering what comes next.”
“It must have been a while for him… so what happened? Shit, this is turning me on…” she said in a low tone while using her left palm to cover her mouth.
“Thankfully, he leaned over and started kissing my back and shoulders, so… it was obvious that now we…, we’re going to…”
“Have sex?” asked Grace with a wicked smile, shifting her pose under the silk blanket. Her nipples pierced her T-shirt as she was wearing only that, and panties. “You do have excellent observations, Yvette. A hard cock rubbing to your bottom and the man attached to it kissing your neck… it’s a brilliant conclusion in my opinion. Sex is very likely to happen.”
“Well, I made sure. I reached back out to open his belt. He got that, and removed it, while I tore down my own leggings. I was afraid my fluids would start spilling everywhere and was a bit embarrassed you know, being so wet and all. But at that point, I decided not to care.”
“Oh gosh. That is filthy,.” breathed Grace “I like that. Shit, this always happens when I get high. I’m practically soaked! But don’t you dare stop with what happened afterwards…”
“Well, you can imagine, I think.”
“If you’re saying he slid inside you doggy style, before even properly kissing..., I...I…”
“You know, I knew there are many white rooms, but I felt that this is the white room the prophecy was about so, I let my instincts lead me. I never had sex with anyone on a first date, you know well, I never was into one night stands. But there I was in that room. He was exactly what I had wanted or what I had thought I wanted. I was turned on by him, by his mind, I could not help myself. All this time, I have been waiting for, this white room, wanting, searching, and I have to tell you, it was intimidating at first. I somehow felt that this was the white room. So, it was all too much, I wanted to open up and give myself to him. He wanted me badly and he went for it, that’s it. He slid into me from behind so deep that I could not breathe for a minute, and when he started moving, hard, almost violent, I don’t know, it was unreal. I came very soon. And many times afterwards. We’ve been doing it for hours. And the best was that he did not say a single word all the way through. He just dragged me here, led me there, and used me, while being gentle and caring… it was beautiful. He even handcuffed me once. That was the highpoint of the day. He handcuffed me to those big metal shelves all along the wall, and he just left me there for a while. He even left the room. I can’t really describe that feeling… there was this immense trust, you know? I know, crazy, I don’t care, I knew that I’m in the safest place in the world and he would do me no harm. But still, knowing that anything could happen… he could just sit in his car and pull away, leaving me there, or offer me up for the pizza guy or whatever… it was crazy but I loved every second of it. And after that, guess what, he returned and he just watched me for a while. I was facing the wall, I couldn’t even see him. He did not talk and I did not ask anything, I just stood there, bare naked. I think I even needed to pee a bit, but I was too excited to break this game and remained silent. It was so humiliating and yet I felt so free. He came close after a few minutes and did me again. Gosh. It was an awesome day.”
