Awake

I was on the couch while the doctor was checking Nicholai. I called the doctor as soon as he woke up earlier.

I was still shocked but at the same time, I also felt relieved that he was already awake.

I looked at Nicholai and saw that he was still looking at me as if I was going to disappear any minute. He had been staring at me since he woke up. And I couldn't help but be distracted by the way he stared at me.

The door suddenly burst open and I saw Nicholai’s parents get inside the room. Nicholai's gaze immediately turned to them.

I was the one who called Tita Nichole and told her that Nicholai was already awake. She even cried on the phone while I was talking to her.

Tita immediately hugged Nicholai after approaching him. She cried again. I couldn’t help but see my mother on her part when I also woke up last time. They were both like crying babies.

Nicholai's parents talked to the doctor before the doctor finally left the room. I was about to go out when Tita suddenly called me.

"Cris, can you stay here for a moment?"

"I-I’m sorry?" Confused, I asked. My eyes were jumping from her to Nicholai and back.

Aunt Nichole came over and suddenly hugged me. “If it’s not too much. Can you stay here for a moment? Your uncle and I will just go out to get something to eat. We were in such a hurry a while ago that we forgot to buy something to eat. ”

I smiled sparingly and nodded to Tita before they finally left the room.

The room was so silent the moment Nicholai’s parents went out. Nicholai's gaze still lingered on me. To my annoyance, I glared at him.

"Quit staring, Nic," I said with a sigh.

“Sorry. I just couldn’t believe that you are here. I thought you hated me?” He let out a bitter smile as he stared at me.

I knew I hated him. But I couldn’t help but feel guilty about what happened to him. I felt responsible and I felt like I needed to take care of him for me to stop this guilt that I had been feeling.

I walked over to him and sat in the empty chair next to his bed.

"How are you feeling?" I asked instead of answering his question.

“To be honest? I thought I’m going to die. I don’t mind dying though. After all the things that I’ve done to you, I guess for me dying would be enough for all my sins.” He grinned. But his eyes said otherwise. Regret. He regretted everything and I could feel and see it.

“Quit smiling like that. And stop talking about dying. I hate you but I never even wish for you to die,” I told him with annoyance.

“Why are you really here, Denima? The last time we talked, you were afraid for me to go near you,” he said with a sigh.

I bit my lower lip before I said, “I felt guilty of what happened to you. Maybe. Just maybe if I take care of you while you are still here, the guilt will eventually disappear. ”

“You don’t have to feel guilty. But…” he suddenly paused and looked away. “I would love for you to take care of me if that’s what you want. You have no idea how I’ve been dying for your care, Denima. I’m totally at your mercy. ”

I stood up and excused myself. I went out for a bit to get some air outside. I didn’t know what was happening to me. But I could feel my cheeks burning because of what Nicholai said.

Fuck! What the fuck was wrong with me ?!

***

I met Aunt Nichole outside Nicholai’s room after I returned. I told her that I was going somewhere. I said goodbye and never came back to Nicholai's room.

I was already outside the hospital when my phone suddenly rang. I took my phone out and looked at who was calling.

I bit my lower lip. It was Philip.

I let out a long sigh before answering the call.

“Philip,” I called his name the moment I answered the phone.

[Can we talk, please?] he answered on the other line.

I closed my eyes and squeezed it tight before opening it again. Maybe we should really talk. I couldn’t continue being like this to him. My mind said that I should be with Philip. He was my comfort zone. I knew that he would never hurt me. He was so good to me, but my heart said that I didn’t deserve him. His mother was totally right. He would continue to be hurt because of me. And I couldn’t afford to keep hurting him just because of someone like me. I couldn’t let him wait for me when I didn’t even know when I was going to be okay. Especially now that I also need to take care of Nicholai. I couldn’t let him wait in vain.

“Okay. Let’s meet at Dreame Café, ”I said as the call went down. I immediately hailed a taxi and drove to Dreame Café.

I knew I loved Philip. And I knew that he loved me too. It was just that destiny didn’t seem to really want us together. My life was too chaotic and his mother didn’t like me. His mother’s words kept on playing in my head. And I couldn’t help but feel self -deprecating. Philip deserved better. He didn’t deserve someone like me who was a mess.

When I arrived at the café, I saw Philip in the right corner. There weren't too many people in his spot. I approached where he was sitting and sat across from him.

“Is it true? Are you really leaving?” I could see the pain in his eyes.

"Y-Yes," I replied sadly.

“Why? Am I not enough for you to stay? ”

“I’m sorry. I need this. I’m a mess, Phil. And maybe leaving will be the best thing to do for me to heal. I felt guilty for everything that happened to you, to Nicholai, and even to myself. I couldn’t even sleep at night. And I can't bear for you to share my troubled life. ” I looked him in the eyes and smiled sadly. “You always get hurt because of me. I don’t deserve you, Phil. ”

“No. Don’t say that. You know that I would do anything just for you, Cris. ”

“I know. And that’s what I don’t like, Phil. I don’t want to include you in my downfall. You are too important to me and I can’t let that happen. You deserve better. ”

“I’ll wait for you—-“

"Please, don't." I held his hand this time and squeezed it lightly. “Don’t wait for me because I don’t know when I am going to return. And I can’t let you wait in vain, Phil. I don’t want that. When I’m gone and you meet someone else, please don’t hold yourself back. If she makes you happy, let yourself be happy. Then I would be happy too. ” I gave him a small smile.

“And how about you? You are being unfair, Cris! ” he protested what I said.

“I’m going to be okay. I’m stronger than you think. But ... ” I paused and smiled sadly at him. “If we really are for each other, we really are. Let destiny make the way. ”

I hugged him for the last time. My heart broke into pieces as I heard him sobbed in my arms.

"Goodbye, Phil." The last thing that I said before I left the café.

The tears that I had been holding back were slowly dripping. Philip's hurting face was left imprinted on my mind. I wiped my tears and tried to stop myself from crying again by biting my lower lip.

I’m okay. I’m going to be okay.