CHAPTER 17

Drowned

Have you ever felt like you're drowning because of the weight of those different kinds of emotions that you can't explain. Its like you're being strangled in the neck while slowly drowning. You didn't even know if you could survive... with the help of others. because you know that... there's no one else willing to help you at the moment.

Why do we end up in a situation we don't like? Why is it that even if we try to walk away, we are still pulled back? I don't want to sit here and socialize with my family. but I can see myself right at the very moment dining with them. I lost my appetite for everything. I don't even know if I'm still in my right mind right now. Because it's already been a week since I didn't even see Keegan.

I don't know where I can find him. 'Cause I don't even know where the fuck he is. If he's okay or not. It's been a week since I watched the video. The video went viral but only a select few could watch it. It's like it was really deliberate and well planned. The whole freshman nursing students already watched the video. They wonder why only nursing students and criminology students have access and can watch the video. How funny right?

I don't know if Keegan's classmates familiarized him in that video. I was too busy looking for him. I can't count how many times I slapped Jacen because he didn't know where Keegan was. I took my anger out on him. All my frustrations because of that fucking video. And the most funny thing here... I can't even figure out where Naurica is. that crazy bitch cousin of mine. Even Conch who is his own brother does not know where he is.

My hand is really itching for Naurica. I don't know what I can do when I see her. I feel like all of these are already too much. What does she want to happen? She wants to embarrass me by spreading a video that I'm not even a part of and can be seen in it? Or does he just want to crush me through Keegan? She wants to see how much I'm hurt and affected seeing the man I love being criticized and judged. all the trashy words that were thrown to Keegan, she wants me to hear all of it. Because she knows in the very beginning that I'm so into Keegan. And by using him can definitely break me.

Is this the reason why she came back here? Is this the revenge and pay back to me she wants to do? that can affect and break me big time huh? Because of this, I admit that it has a great effect on me. It's too much. If she wants to get revenge. I would have hurt him. Why does he have to sympathize with other people? Damn Naurica. How clever you fucking are. why don't you hurt me physically? Why in this way?

You used other people as a way to crush me. Because you know that if you only crush me, I won't be affected. That's why you chose to sympathize with an innocent person even though you did nothing wrong just to hurt me and make me feel my karma.

I suddenly flinched at the soft touch on my arms making me come back from my deep thinking. I looked up and immediately found Mommy's worried face. She looked at me with her eyes full of worries.

“You're spacing out again and again. Are you sure you're okay?" Mommy asked while whispering to me.

I feel like there is a heavy stone in my chest because of how I feel now. Right now I feel like I wanted so bad to run to my Mom and tell her that I'm in pain. I want to cry in her arms exaggeratedly like when I was still a kid for her to save me. I want to tell her all my thoughts right now for her to help me. But I stopped myself.

When I was still a kid I used to be an overacting one and a manipulative one. I can turn everything around. I can make up a story just so Mommy will always believe me. because he believes in everything I say. But now my cousin is my enemy, I'm afraid. I'm not afraid for myself but for my Mom. All my actions can affect her bigtime the reason why I won't let her know my problems now. I can deal with my own even if I know it's not easy.

Daddy's family hate my mom way back. They don't accept Mommy because they look down on my Mommy. It is said that Mommy is not a good match for Daddy, which is why he moved away. Until now, I still feel the same way they treat Mommy. They just act nice because of my Dad. because he loves Mom. They just respected my Mom because of my Dad but at least they respected my Mom and that's the most important for me. Maybe they just accepted me because of Daddy.

They even did a DNA test to me just to make sure that I'm Dad's daughter. Crazy right? do they really think so highly of themselves that they think so low of my Mommy? I love my Dad especially my Mom. If I needed to fit in... In my Daddy's family where there's only a tiny space for me. I'll gladly let myself fit. I was raised to be strong so no one can easily crush me.

But is it really in my current situation that I am not being crushed little by little?

I tried to smile at my Mom even if it's so hard... for her to see that I'm fine.

"I'm okay Mommy. I'm just thinking."

Mommy squinted her eyes as if judging what I just said. I brightened my smile even more, even though I was struggling to pretend I was fine. I suddenly thought if Devillia also felt the same way? She acted so okay and fine for me to see that she's not hurting because she doesn't want me to be worried. Does he feel the same way? If Mommy forces me to admit my true feelings now, I still won't admit it. Now I know how Willia feels. you won't know if you're not in their position. So now you are in the position. You understand their feelings and the decision they made.

"Alright. Finish your food. It's like you don't even move that. I'm worried. Are you really okay?” Mommy asked more gently, causing my heart to ache. How long should I pretend that I'm really fine?

I swallowed the bile in my throat and smiled enthusiastically at my Mom.

"Oh, Naurica dear is here. Where did you these past few days darling, hmm?”

Tita grabbed Mommy and I's attention causing the plastic smile painted on my lips to disappear. The expression on his face immediately changed due to the mention of his name. I can feel my hands shaking badly. i immediately let go of the spoon on my right hand when my hand shakes so violently that i can't even control it.

"Mommy I miss you. I miss you all. I'm at my friends house the whole time because of some project. Did you not read my email and messages? I said goodbye to you." Naurica said with her lively voice.

Fuck you. Really. Fuck you. How can you be that so lively and act like you have your own world... Like you didn't do anything wrong. I fisted both of my hands as I gritted my teeth while looking at my food I can't even move. i can feel my hot tears pooling in the corner of my eyes. My breathing is also not normal as I tried to be calm but I can't even be right now!

"Sorry dear. I'm too busy these past days that I don't have enough time to read your email and messages. But good you're already here. Come here, I bet you're already hungry now. I'm the proudest Mom because you focus on your studies more.”

It's like I'm going deaf because I can't hear their voices anymore because all I can hear right now is my heart beating so violently.

Someone sat in front of me and I immediately knew who it was.

"Hi Angel," Naurica greeted me normally. But I can feel the taunting in her voice.

My vision started to get blurry because of the tears ready to fall at any moment. But I can't let my guards down. I don't want her to see that I'm this weak. I don't want to let her see that the video affects my whole system so much. I won't let her feel satisfied.

I forced back the tears that wanted to escape from my eyes. I slowly raised my head to see the person in front of me. and again for so many times I plastered a fake smile on my lips just to show that I don't have a problem. That everything is normal and I'm not hurting inside.

"Hello couz," I greeted back smoothly but at this moment I wanted so bad to puke.

I just fucking hate her. I hate that damn ghost smile that is written on her lips. I don't want to look at her eyes with full of evil inside. If I have a bad attitude. Her attitude sucks and the worst!

"How are you? You looked not okay. Are you okay?”

Fuck you.

I feel like my stomach is churning while looking at her face. I don't feel like eating because of what's going on so I'm feeling dizzy right now. Can I smack her face right now? Is that possible? Physical pain is bearable than the emotional pain she was causing to me right now. I want to tell him that I'm okay. I like to pretend that I am not affected by his schemes. I want to act so brave but I guess not every time I'm brave.

Because just like all of them I'm just also a human. I can be brave but I can also be weak. I may be strong but I have so many weaknesses. Right now I'm so weak and fragile. That you'll just cry for a while.

Before I could open my lips to speak, my stomach was digging in, so I didn't hesitate to stand up. I managed to stand up properly and walked hastily towards the kitchen. The adults ignored me because they were all talking in the living room. I only know one person who followed me today.

I fastened my steps when I felt like throwing up. When I'm already in front of the sink. I immediately felt nauseous. My stomach feels like it's twisting while feeling nauseous but nothing comes out of my mouth. I haven't touched my food yet so I probably won't get anything out. I weakly grabbed the sink.

I felt someone enter the kitchen causing me to close my eyes in annoyance. but Angel this is on your favor. You can talk to her away from the crowd. I wash my face and my mouth before facing my so bitch cousin.

"Don't tell me you're pregnant?"

Naurica asked while laughing making my jaw drop. She looked at me suspiciously with her judgmental eyes. what the fuck? Just threw up pregnant immediately? Can't I just be disgusted by the behavior she has?

“The hell Angel. You're really such an itch in your body huh." she said laughing as she looked at me.

My anger rose up making me want to slap her. And that's what I did. Her lips parted because of the force of the slap I gave.

"How dare you pay someone to make a video scandal with the boy I love. Fuck you! What right do you have to do that! What entered your brain! Huh? Answer me?!”

I messed up her hair while slapping her again and again. She tried to pulled my hair too but I don't let her retaliate. These slaps aren't fucking enough, so fuck you.

"What? You want to break me right? You want me to taste my karma? is this how you want me to feel my karma? Why did you have to use my man just to get even with me?! What? Don't you see any more aces to hurt me? Is that why you came back because you want to get back at me? You act very immature because of the past?! Grow up Nurica!” I screamed in her face as tears fell from my eyes that I had been holding back for a while.

"Keegan didn't do anything wrong to you. He's innocent. He's good. So why did you have to do this. You want to hurt me right? You hurt me, not the person I love. Please... I'm begging you. spare him. He's innocent. Why did you drug him just for that piece of trash of a video? Are you really that angry in your heart? What do you want me to do? Kneel before you so you can forgive me huh?" my voice quivered while shouting at her.

Naurica was stunned as she looked at me. I bit my lip while looking at her. I saw how her lips slowly lifted for a smirk before she laughed sarcastically at me. She looked at me from head to toe. She even fixed her hair while laughing softly. Like she was so amused while looking at my state right now.

"You deserve that pain Angel. I guess it works huh? Karma will not make a way to hurt you but a person can be your karma. I am your karma. This is your karma. I want you to feel the pain I felt. Remember when I always begged you? But you didn't even listen to me once right? Thank you, I can't see enough of the man's face in the video. Plus I didn't spread it all over the University. There is still a little love in my heart for you. You should be thankful you know.” she trailed while smiling

I clenched my fist as I wiped away the tears that were falling down my cheeks.

"You should not pick an innocent boy like him. He's too innocent and naive that he can easily be fooled, just like how you did to him. So that you can get to kiss him and have sex with him right? You cheap girl. You even offered him friendship so that you can taste him. What a lame excuse. Even the stupidest person will wonder why you suddenly became friends with them if you had no intention of them. But what can I say? You are so manipulative that you can easily lure him in your fingers.”

“Tsk. Based on what I observe. That boy is so pure. I pitied him because you're only using him for you to explore. When will you get tired of exploring?” she asked with her voice laced with sarcasm.

"Don't tell me to grow up. You should grow up. You're still immature. Like always. I guess I had to use him for you to be hurt and feel the pain, for my so called revenge. We're now quitting though. Thanks to him. I pretty suggest you to leave him. You are not suitable for him. He's too pure compared to someone like you."

“If you'll not do it. I'll spread the video in the whole university with a clearer version. Break your own heart. Because you don't deserve that pure love anyway." she spat those words mercilessly at my face like it's so easy to do.

"Fuck you..." I said crying because I couldn't say anything about my situation. My mind went blank and it stopped functioning. But all I can understand in our situation. Naurica didn't regret what she did. She didn't even deny it. She didn't deny my accusation that she drugged Keegan. because that's what Jacen told me. He willingly confessed to me so they made the video. Naurica was even proud that she did it to hurt me. How cruel she can be...

While looking at her eyes full of cruelty towards me. I can say that karma doesn't come around when you just wait for it. it only catches up to the other person... that so close in your heart. Wether that person is your friend, your family or the person you love.

And in this life I've realized that even a family can hurt you. Even the kindest people you know are capable of stabbing and hurting others... and the only reason may be, because they are also human. I already know that now.

"Take down the video. I'll do what you want. I'll break my own heart. So please... spare him. That's all I want from you." I said defeatedly slowly accepting that this is the only way I know for her to spare Keegan from this mess. This is the only way for her to stop.

I just want to cry all the frustration I feel right now. I want Naurica to pay for what she did. but I'm afraid of the consequences. Our family will be in trouble and I will be stuck with Mommy. But what about Keegan? He know's nothing. I have to protect him, don't I? I promised that no one could hurt him... that I would pro-protect him but why is this so hard to do? Why am I the cause of hurting him?

Because no matter where I look, I'm really the one to blame. I myself molded and made Naurica today. The Naurica I know is sweet and kind. She's like a living angel in our family. She's so pure compared to mine. But because of me she became like that. after I've hurt her causing her to live in another country I promised myself that when she came back even if she will hurt me I'll understand her because I know she has reasons. I would gladly accept her wrath.

So I can't fully blame her now because I know it's all my fault. I'm just paying for the wrong doing I've done. I'm so sorry Keegan... this is all my fault. They're right... I'm not good to you. I'm just polluting your personality. Because of me you are in this situation. Did you already see the video? What did you feel? Are you hurt? Why are you not in your apartment? Where are you now?

I blinked when the car suddenly stopped causing me to look at Mang Quicio. He looked at me worriedly in the rear view mirror. I wipe away my tears and smile at him a bit.

"Ma'am, are you really okay?" I could feel the nervousness in Mang Quicio's voice as he asked me. I just shook my head in response because that was the truth. I'm not fine and I don't know when I will be.

"Thanks for the ride Mang Quicio. You can go back there maybe they need you Mommy. Just tell them that I'm already here at the house 'cause I'm tired.” after saying that I immediately got out of the car. I saw the worry in Mang Quicio's eyes which made me feel a little better.

At least there's one person who knows that I'm not okay. I smiled painfully while looking at our Van slowly disappearing in my sight.