Am I in love with him?

Nate

Please look at me before it's too late,

If you think it's me,

So don't keep it to yourself...

I shouldn't feel this way. That kiss in my room was intense, and it left me extremely upset, I couldn't sleep very well, in addition to the frustrated attempt to get rid of all that sexual tension. No. I didn't feel that way about a man, did I?

I've never felt this way, it's too weird. I've always dated girls, what's going on? Why does my mind remind me of the kiss in my room every time I think of something that reminds me of him? There are so many questions, and I don't have the answers to them. Ever since Will walked out that door, I've been feeling a lot weirder than usual. I feel empty, I've turned the television on and off several times, I've looked at social media repeatedly, especially after what he posted on Twitter, and our cell phone conversation.

The only thing I had left to help me not think so much was to dedicate myself to the script, studying my lines, thinking about Thirasak's feelings and his actions. I admire him, he apparently never lied about his feelings, although Wanchai doesn't cooperate, it's all there, he doesn't see, or pretends he doesn't see. Thirasak is always around, flirting, helping, and pretending it's all a joke.

Shia... That reminds me of someone!

Will came into my life in an unusual way, he always flirts with me, the last few weeks have been constant, he says something that makes me uncomfortable, but it's not in a negative way. Instead of uncomfortable, the right word would be vulnerable, that's how I feel, especially when he's very close. I shouldn't, but why do I feel this way?

Will confuses me too much! What the fuck... I can't even concentrate on this fucking script. I pick up the text notebook and toss it away from me. Instantly, my mother enters my room.

— What was there? Are you angry at the world again?

— Mom, please... Leave me alone! I'm not very well!

— What happened? Wasn't the night good?

— Mom, please! I'm not in the mood to talk...

— Okay, but I just think you should stop acting like you don't feel anything, and are oblivious to your own feelings!

— What? What are you saying?

— Nothing. It's just a reflection, nothing more! She just throws a fucking bomb in my face, and leaves the room.

[...]

Hearing my family praising him all the time pissed me off. My mother, my aunts and even my grandmother. Finally, my dear cousin whom I hate so much, tossing her hair from side to side, pushing her bangs away from her forehead and sighing, came to ask something about him as Will got up to go to the bathroom.

— So Nate, is Will single? His little slanted eyes widen when I'm asked that.

— What?

— Does Will have anyone?

— I don't think so, why?

— How is a hottie like that alone?

— I do not know!

— Can you give me his number?

— No, I can not! I reply sharply.

— What is your problem? Do you need to answer like this?

— Like this?

— As if jealous! She says and looks at me with a mischievous smile.

— Are you crazy? Am I jealous of a guy? Spare me, I have more to do!

I didn't wait for her to answer me, I got up from the table, walked quickly towards the bathroom. I walk in, stare at my reflection in the mirror. The look of a completely lost guy. Why does this affect me so much? I shouldn't be angry about the nonsense my cousin said, but something is out of control inside me, and the reason for this out of control has just come out of the bathroom stall. He stares at me, and the vulnerability appears again. My heart beats so fast, it feels like it wants to jump out of my chest. I look in the mirror again, and I say something.

— It seems that my family has fallen in love with you… — When I say that, I remember my cousin, although it's not his fault, but it makes me angry.

— You seem bothered by this, but I asked you before, if you had any problems!

— That's not what bothers me, it's something else! — if I tell him I'm mad at my cousin because she wanted your number, he'll laugh at me, and say I'm jealous. But am I jealous?

— He speaks!

— Leave it there!

— Damn, what's your problem? If you don't want me around, just talk, and our relationship will be limited to work, nothing more! He says, walks past me, and before he reaches the door, I grab his arm in a desperate moment. He looks back, turns, and stares at me.

— What the hell, Nate! What do you want from me? If you don't want anything to do with me, I'll understand. I apologize for yesterday, for everything!

Fuck, do I really want this? That he walk away from me? My mind is very lost. Vulnerability gives way to something uncontrollable as my eyes stray to his lips. Damn, I'm going crazy like this! I take her arm once more, and pull her into one of the bathroom stalls. I close the door, then look closely at him, his mouth so full and rosy. What am I thinking?

— What are you...

I'm out of control. I take his mouth hard, pull his hair, my body is glued to his. It smells so good! My tongue invades his mouth, and meets his, while my hands continue to grip his hair, I feel his wrap around my waist, he squeezes me like I used to do with girls, it was the same way as last night . It scares me a little, I could push him away, but I get crazy pleasure when he does. His mouth leaves mine, I'm breathless, I open my eyes, and I see his gaze so intense.

— You're going to drive me crazy this way, Nate! - He says, and lightly kisses my bottom lip.

I feel his mouth touch my neck. That's reason to feel a shiver all over my body. I wrap my hands around his waist, keeping our bodies extremely close to each other. He kisses my mouth again, but this time I'm the one who lets go of his lips. I give a few kisses on his neck, making a trail, and making him very restless. Will squeezes me even tighter, and I realize this is all going too fast when I feel his cock harden once more, just like the night before.

He lets out some groans. It drives me crazy, especially when the moans are so loud I can hear my name. Will lightly cups my face, and takes my mouth once more as if he's going to rip it off, and I reciprocate in kind.

Fuck Will, I can't take it!

It was just a kiss in a moment of madness, but it's out of control, and I feel my dick spring to life. It's not the first time this has happened, but every time it scares me. How does someone who's always been straight get a hard-on for a man?

I break the kiss, open my eyes. My breath is labored, her eyes remain closed. How handsome he is!

What am I doing?

I quickly open the cabin door, and leave, upset.

[...]

My mother didn't understand anything when I sent her a message informing her that I was already home. In her place I wouldn't understand either, but how could I tell my mother that I was kissing Will in the restaurant's bathroom, I was hard, and afraid of what could come next?

I lock the door to my room and throw myself on the bed. My mind is flooded with images, me and Will in that bathroom, in my room, in his car, in the elevator, on the recording set.

— Oh, what the hell! What am I doing? This doesn't make sense, I dated a girl for three years, how come I feel desire for a guy now?

Deep breath. Come to think of it, he's not just any guy. He does me good, makes me laugh at silly things, I feel confident in telling about any moment in my life, things I would never tell anyone. He's smart, he's affectionate, he cares what I say, he's kind, he likes to please me. There are so many qualities I could list about Will, but one of the things that first caught my attention was the fact that he treated everyone with no difference. It is a fact that he comes from a very wealthy family, someone else in his place would barely get close to the people on the recording set. I used to think he was a snob, stuck-up. I thought, "I'm going to work with a rich guy, who can buy the station I work for if he wants to."

I was annoyed, but the way he treated me from the start, every time he worried about me, it was showing me that he is amazing. I don't think I've ever had a friend, or a girlfriend who was like him, so radiant and who drew attention wherever she went. This must be it, it can only be this! It's his manner, the attractive personality he has, that makes me like this. There is no other explanation! Or is there an explanation for what I feel? I sit on the bed. My mind, my heart, everything is out of balance.

— To Nate! Who are you trying to deceive?

Tears run down my face. I hate to cry. Boys don't cry, you idiot! Boys don't have the hots for other boys. I wipe the tears that insist on falling. I take my phone, open IG, and look for something to distract me, and the first images that appear on the timeline, couldn't be someone else. Will.

It could be that person...

The one who comes to complete you,

fill with joy,

The world that was empty before...

I look at his picture, he's as handsome as ever. A beaming smile that makes me smile instantly, hair falling over his slanted eyes. The very red and fleshy mouth that makes me lick my lips instantly, along with the skin of his chest that appears because of the first buttons of his shirt that are open, and that remind me of him shirtless, here in my room.

— Ah Nate, you can even fool others, but you can't do it yourself!

I leave my cell phone on the bed, get up and walk to the bathroom door, in front of my bed, enter, turn on the light. I stare at my image in the mirror. I touch my mouth, close my eyes, and the image of Will comes to my mind, his moans, his sweet smell. I open my eyes, and once again look at my image in the mirror.

I can't lie to myself. The tears flowed again. I can't pretend I don't feel anything for him, when all my certainties have been shattered since the day Will walked into my life. I look in the mirror again.

— It's Nate, you're in love with a guy, you're in love with Will, you idiot!