He really looks like a helpless bunny

Nate

— You want to have sex with me, you just haven't done it yet because you know you're going to be on the bottom, and you're afraid to assume that you want to be the passive!

— What?

I hear a little way off someone say "Wake up Nate! ". I open my eyes and quickly sit up in bed. I run my hands through my hair, my breathing is labored. I look next to me, and a pair of drawn eyes watch me intently. He touches my hand, and strokes it.

— Is everything okay?

— It was just a dream!

— Dream, or a nightmare? Because I heard your screams from the living room...

— Ergh... No. What are you doing here so early?

— Don't you remember that we agreed that I would pick you up and we would go together to the recording of the MV for your song? — he asks, and I nod my head in positive. — Ah... Your mother said we should eat something from the fridge, I just don't remember what it was...

— The president of your fandom? — I ask and he lets out a laugh.

— I think the one who should be the president of my fandom is her son, but he doesn't seem to like me very much!

— Really? Her son doesn't like you? That's strange, he told me he was crazy about you, made a song, and made a cute proposal!

— Still, I don't think he likes me! — she exclaims and smiles. His smile is contagious, and I end up smiling too.

[...]

We spent the whole day yesterday on the set of the recording of my MV, and I am happy about this accomplishment in my life. Even though I am busy recording, that dream has been pounding in my mind, and I don't know what to think, what if... What Will told me in the dream is true? What if I am all this afraid, because I don't have the courage to assume that I am the uke in the relationship, and Will is the seme?

I need to talk to Will, but I don't know how I'm going to do it, and the worst part is that he comes to the house in the late afternoon, and probably goes to sleep. Every time it is the same story, he keeps blackmailing me emotionally, using that sly voice, kissing my neck, and it makes me look like a fool, and I give in. Before I talk to Will I need to clear up so many things in my head.

I get out of bed, walk around the room. I walk to the living room, sit on the sofa, turn on the TV. I get up, walk to the balcony, open the door, observe the landscape in front of me, but this doesn't stop me from thinking about the dream. I take a deep breath, and the nervousness still lives in me, I feel dizzy. I return to the living room, and move around. The shrill sound of the doorbell brings me out of my trance of thoughts that lead me nowhere.

I open the door.

— Nate, did my glasses stay there?

— I don't know uncle, I'll look!

I think this might be the opportunity I needed to talk to him. I look across the room, and see his glasses on the little table beside the sofa.

— Uncle, it's on the sofa table! Why don't you come in and we can talk for a while? Are you in a hurry?

— No, I'm off today! — As soon as he says it, it doesn't take long and he comes in, sits down on the sofa and looks at me with his usual investigating look. — So, what's bothering you?

— Uncle, I think you realize that Will lives here in the house?

— Yes, and I also realize the connection that exists between you.

— Nobody can know, but we are dating! — as soon as I say this, a huge smile is drawn on his face.

— What wonderful news! I am so happy, you know I love that boy? — he says and hugs me from the side.

He asked me so many questions about the relationship, I had to tell him everything from the beginning. As I was telling him I realized how much my boyfriend is adored not only by my mother, but also by my uncle.

— There is something I wanted to ask.

— If I know how to answer.

— So, Will and I, we haven't... No...

— Did you have sex? And you are afraid?

— Yeah, I don't know what to do!

— There is no need to be afraid, or ashamed. Have you talked to Will about it?

— A little. I keep thinking about the possibility that Will doesn't want to be... be...

— The passive? — asks, and I nod my head. — You know that homo-affective relationships are not like in Bl's, nor in Yaoi anime and manga?

— I know, but I still have a lot of doubts about it!

— So, in these stories there is the seme protector with the macho way, and the uke fragile that needs to be protected, all this is to make a comparison with heteronormativity. And it's not like that, what can happen between you and Will, will depend on the two of you talking, reaching a consensus, allowing yourself, and the best? To surrender to the passion.

— I need to talk to him more, but I feel ashamed, it's weird because it wasn't like this when I was dating girls.

— Because he is a man, and you are not used to this, besides the many barriers that we sometimes put in our minds. Talk to him, put aside the silly ideas that are going around in your head, and allow yourself to be. Even because your boyfriend is beautiful, loving, and seems to be in love with you, so don't waste any more time.

[...]

Ever since my uncle left, everything he told me has been pounding in my head. Now I look at Will sitting beside me on the living room carpet, leaning his back on the sofa, marking his lines and reading the text aloud. I watch every detail of his face, his neck, his hands. Suddenly I am caught in the act.

— What is it? Is there something wrong with me?

— No.

— Do you realize that these will be the last scenes we have to shoot, and that after this the recording will come to an end?

— Wow, I hadn't realized that! That bunch of scenes from the beginning, at Chulalongkorn University, also went into the final episodes, didn't they?

— Yes, it has many scenes that went into the final episodes, including those of the music festivals.

— It's a shame that it's coming to an end!

— And to think that a few months ago we started all this, and now Fake D8 is a success, and we are together! — he says, and marks up his text again.

I need to start touching on the dreaded subject, and since we are talking about the series, I can talk about something that caught my attention about our characters.

— Will, don't you think it's strange that Wanchai said he liked girls, and never went all the way with one, and only masturbated? — I ask, he looks at me, and lets out a weak smile.

— I guess it depends a lot on what Wanchai's life was like, but when it comes to him, always so slow, and oblivious to everything around him, it doesn't surprise me at all.

— Don't you find it strange, it seems that he didn't notice, or didn't feel desire for anyone?

— I can't speak for him, even though he is my character. I think I understand him, maybe he has repressed himself for too long. You spend a lot of your life being taught that something out of the norm is not normal, and for a long time you end up believing it. — he says, and I feel sadness in his eyes.

— Did this happen to you? You always repressed yourself, didn't you?

— It was.

— Your experiences with girls, how were they?

— They were not very good!

— Why? — he looks at me a bit uncomfortably. — All right, if you don't want to tell me...

— No... I want to tell you! At school, I was considered ugly, the girls were not interested in me, I spent a long time wearing braces, and I only came to take them off when I was sixteen, and then my first kiss happened. It was with a girl, and I hated it.

— Did you already know that you don't like girls?

— No... I mean, I knew there was something different about me, because I wasn't attracted to girls, but I was forced to kiss someone when my dad and my friends found out that I had never kissed, so I had to play the macho guy, and that was terrible!

— I know how it is... But what about your first time? — I ask, and he looks down, puts his hand through his hair, and stares at me. — I think you will laugh at me.

— Why would I do that?

— My experiences have been few, and very disastrous...

— What do you mean?

— I tried to lose my virginity at the same age as the first kiss, but I couldn't, you know?

— You mean you don't... — before I finish the question, he looks down, raises his head, stares at me.

— I had no desire for her, and it didn't come up! Although, I would tell or imply to my friends, and especially to my sister, Lyn, and even to my father, that I was a catcher, that I was a guy who fucked around. Today, I know how much I lied not only to others, but to myself...

— Wait...... Are you telling me you've never had sex? — I ask and realize how lost he seems with these revelations, and I even more so.

He gets up, walks from one side of the room to the other, always looking down, then looks at me, his face is red, and his eyes are watery. I stand up and walk over to him, touching his face with the back of my hand.

— If it hurts you, you don't have to go on, okay? — I say and Will looks at me, tears streaming down his face.

— I never went all the way. I never penetrated a girl, the few times I was with girls, the most I did was kiss them, they wanted me to perform oral sex, and I always invented a story to give up. Today, I feel that I wasted a lot of time...

He runs his hand over his eyes, wiping his tears, and I hug him and speak very close to his ear.

— You didn't waste time, you just couldn't understand!

I didn't want to make him cry, but I feel that this conversation was necessary, not for me, but for him. Will hugs me tight, and I do the same. He really does look like a helpless little bunny. I want to hug him even tighter, and protect him from the world.