Chapter 6

I was feeling much lighter and saw some hope after meeting Jigar. He was a mood lifter and in those moments, I precisely needed him to cheer me up. Though his idea did not appeal to me on many levels, his practicality made sense. I always followed one rule religiously and rigorously- I hated being a freeloader and a beggar. Jigar respected my principles but he often rebuked me for behaving like an old hag. My mother had instilled some values in me and there were certain I had picked up from my own experience and observance.

My extended family was a quarrelsome group. Money always drove them to do the extreme and over the years I had seen it with my own eyes. I was very clear throughout that I would never allow money to spoil any of my ties and thus I always believed in fair share. My close friends considered me to be a miser, but I believed I was saving the bunch of us from the pain of separation in the future over something as petty as money.

None so ever agreed to my theory but I continued to follow. I took a bus back home as I was in no condition to walk back. When I reached home Mother India as usual was immersed in her work. She was an exclusive apparels designer catering to a clientele of the elites. Both my parents worked hard, day in and day out to ensure we continued to enjoy the kind of lifestyle we did. Their integrity and self-respect mattered the most to them and this was the kind of inheritance passed on to all of us.

I went to my room and closed the door, shutting everyone out and taking time to calm down my mind and heart from the raging situation at hand. No one disturbed me and I was thankful for that. I slept off the rest of the day to de-clutter my brain from the toxic logic, thoughts and feelings that had been clouding my rationale. But as soon as I woke up and became aware of my surroundings, my heart was heavy, for the impending decision of my parents could oscillate either way.

If only life was a dream, I would pinch myself and wake up every time I would feel the situation is not under my control and try to sleep off with a happy ending in my dream. The follies of the mind are such that you would rather gloat in them than censure them. There was nothing I could do but constantly fidget and worry. I had not convinced myself about taking money from Jigar and deep down I was also losing my head over lying to my parents about everything. At the back of my mind, I was certainly conscious of the fact that I had not informed my parents about Jaideep Sahani's role in securing me a position. My mother would freak out and I was certain about it.

"Abhilaaasha...out of your room now."

There was extreme fury and menace in the tone of my mother that I was sure I was going to be skinned alive, that very moment. I did not get the chance to pause a second and evaluate what had I done to deserve this wrath. I paced out in seconds and found myself facing two angry bulls gorging their eyes out to devour me.

Despite there being no meek bone in my body, I stood there hunched supporting myself with my jelly knees that had become wobbly out of fear. I was transfixed looking at the red, angry eyes of my parents waiting to outburst and throw me off completely. I could not muster the courage to speak or enquire as to the commotion. I was at a complete loss.

"Dad...what is the matter? Why are you so angry?" I spoke so softly that I could barely hear my own voice. My dad had softened up the moment he heard my voice and the shakiness in it.

"Abhilasha, don't you dare use your trump card?" She turned to my dad and said, "One of the reasons why she refuses to fall into line is you. She wouldn't have dare crossed her limits if you hadn't given her the liberty to do anything she wants."

I jerked up at the mention of liberty. Who was she mocking? Liberty itself or me? I was under constant vigilance 24X7 from the next-door neighbour, aunty in the colony to my mother's kitty friends. Her elite list of customers to my dad's clients... I was constantly being watched to ascertain whether I was a good girl or not. Whether I came home before seven, had boyfriends, went around decently dressed, or was a slut sleeping around with anyone who caught my fancy. I was a girl and supposed to remain calm, patient and good even if I felt offended because good girls don't raise their voices; they are soft-spoken albeit non-existent to the entire world except the charming prince in her life. Don't demand rights because while I might be the son my father never had; I ain't actually the golden boy with a penis to flaunt. The penis after all made the life-shattering difference.

This time it wasn't my mother who did the interrogation but my father. His voice was cold and bereft of the warmth that I always felt. "Were you in Jigar's office today?" And with that, he raised his eyebrows looking for a clue before I spoke out my answer.

"Yes, but..." I wasn't allowed the time for an explanation.

"Did you get intimate with him in his office?"

That question gave me a jolt. I couldn't believe my ears whether I heard my dad correctly or was I seriously a part of a horrible dream? My father saw me rolling my eyes in disbelief.

"Dad for God's sake, how crude is that question?" I spoke angrily and with the utmost contempt.

My mother cut in with a sharp retort, "Don't you ever think how your crude actions put us to shame?"

She continued her torrent of complaints, "It was so embarrassing for me when Naina called me up and informed me about your visit to her production house. I could not even defend you because you did not even have the courtesy to inform me you went there. Had you at least been wise enough to inform us I could have face-palmed her..."

This time it was dad who infuriated me. "Do you like Jigar Abhilasha? Are you in love with him?"

"Oh, dad! How many times do I need to speak clearly that there is nothing between the two of us? We are best friends, dad nothing else. Period. Don't give heed to the gossip." I pleaded.

"I didn't intend to go to his office, I did not even leave the house with the purpose of seeing him. It was..." I stopped right in my track. How am I supposed to explain how I reached there walking without even thinking about going there? Who is going to understand this logic? Who understands that a boy and a girl as best friends can also have a strong bond that needs no explanation of love shoved down their throat? I could not even reveal the tragedy of my life without spoiling my own plans. Whoever said honesty is the best policy was so correct.

"Dad, I just hugged him that too out of an emotional outburst. I was feeling low about you guys keeping me in the loop regarding my internship and Jigar just drilled some positive sense into me and asked me to have faith in you guys. He cheered me up and I hugged him for making me feel better about the entire situation. Nothing else."

"Dad, please let's not be so regressive that a mere hug can seem like a transgression of my chastity."

My mother was frantic at my casualness of the action, but she was calm and had gathered herself when she spoke next. "Abhi, we won't judge you. But society does! And however, you and I wish to do away with the stupid rules, we will always be a part of the society and follow the conventions."

"Ma see the obvious. Society does not matter, I don't need their approval to live my life. Did I announce to the society their permission to go to Mumbai? And...anyways I have always been following the rules the society prescribes for maidens."

And mentally I saw a huge list in front of me that I was made to remember since I was a teenager. Girls don't have radical views, they don't swear or bad mouth in public, cast their eyes down, don't send out wrong signals with your body language, no flirting, don't go for films with boys, go out with boys only in groups...huh...

I always felt the list of people watching me was more rigorous than the CCTV cameras; because cameras at the end of the day had limitations, and could even suffer a technical failure, but gossiping aunties and over-enthusiastic friends and well-wishers of my parents could never fail with what they saw with their eyes or understand a girl's behaviour in public. Remain within the lines, behave in a particular way because hey, we live in a society and we are not the moneyed class and we cannot afford to have the guts to rebel against a cause, well any cause. I was sick and tired of falling into the line. God! I am not ranting. This is true!

It is suffocating to have a list ticking off in your head every time you don't align with them because you have been scared to death that the sole purpose of your life is to find a suitable boy.

My mother was in no mood to tow. "Jigar is a good boy Abhi, there is no doubt. He is really nice, unlike his obnoxious parents. Naina warned me to put a stop to my daydreaming. She said she will never accept you as her daughter-in-law and do everything in her power to stop this alliance."

I was angry first and then I started rolling out in laughter. My mother was astonished but not my father. He could see the ridiculousness of this entire episode.

"She called you up to speak such nonsense ma. Naina Bhansali seriously seems to be out of work. God the woman is so preposterous and infuriating." I directed my attention to my mother and with an understanding look and said, "Ma, listen I will take care of this with Jigar. And I know exactly what can put her doubts to rest. And this is the umpteenth time I am telling you guys; I am not in love with him and I don't have any intention to in the future. So, ma next time you meet Naina aunty just pass on this word that she is supposed to reign her horses and actually ask his own son for clarification before taking the pains to reach out to you. Got it?" I nodded in amazement and hugged my mother. I caressed her cheek and looked into her eye and said, "Trust me ma. I might have a difference in opinion from the rest of the world: Wild Opinions, but I always abide by your codes of "THE SOCIETY"."

My mother broke out into a genuine smile and the chapter was closed. But not for me. Jigar Bhansali was going to be roasted tonight and her dim-witted mother would bear the brunt of my choicest cuss words (which actually are quite a few). I could never bring myself to cuss and swear as others did. It just did not appeal to me. Maybe, it was again the societal pressure at work. Ewwww girls don't cuss and fuss. I wish I could show my tongue to all these good for nothing, sitting free aunties.

The furious glares and angry voices were quickly replaced with loving banter on the dinner table. My father updated us about his work and narrated a story about a stupid officer in one of the corporate houses he regularly works for. The atmosphere was normal and had been lightened up with anecdotes and stories. How I spent my day had already brought down the house, so I preferred being a silent listener rather than an active participator.

My sis was back to her antics and she used this as a pretext to get her work done.

"Can you please help me write an essay? I need to submit it tomorrow."

I had no option but to oblige. "Okay, we will discuss it and then you can write it." I knew she would throw her regular tantrum at me again. And here it comes...

"I have a lot of assignments to complete; can you please write the entire essay?"

I always got roused up when my sis asked me for easy favours and avoided hard work.

"Yeah...I will be there for you to write in your exam too."

"I am asking you for a favour and I would not have asked you if I had the time."

"Oh, yes time...tcchch by the way how much time did you spend talking to Anwesha?"

"Don't get on the wrong foot."

"Please toe the line and work hard."

The exchange had heated up into an argument and was blowing out of proportion.

"You are the most horrid sister one can ever get. Elder sisters are supposed to be helpful and you..." she glowered and made faces at me.

"And you...please continue."

"And you never help me."

"I am helping you by not doling out ready work to you. I had no elder sister to help me. I have slogged my way to the top by failing on numerous occasions and learning the lessons the hard way. You too need to learn your own lessons and not look for easy answers. So, I am not putting up with your shit."

"Mind your language. This Jigar has had such a bad influence on you. Ma she is always cussing."

She had crossed all lines by dragging Jigar and recalling the entire episode that was so fresh in our minds.

My mother interrupted and spelt things out with finality.

"She has an elder sister, so please help her. You don't need to write down the entire thing but help her with points and her research work to write the essay.

"Mother, you always side with her." I was crossed beyond reason.

"Abhilasha Bhayani, you can't escape now." My sis exclaimed with much enthusiasm for winning the round of battle one.

"Atulya Bhayani, you are dead" I muttered under my breath.

The rest of the dinner time was uneventful with our concentration swaying to relishing the tasty food served to us rather than the nasty thoughts that I was harbouring to exact revenge from my sister for winning this battle.

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While I helped my mother in finishing her chores, my sister as usual was using the project card to avoid hard work. The responsibility of cleaning the room and Life could not be crueller than this. Boring house chores; and the cherry on top, the good for nothing sis who piles her work on me.

The housework wasn't much but it was the responsibility that I had to take on myself for the same that was tiring. Argghh RESPONSIBILITIES! The elder one in the house is always fit to shoulder any number of responsibilities and the reason for the same is outright whimsical. Apparently, the elder ones are blessed with a large heart and the ability to forgive and forget while the younger ones are pampered and turned into spoilt brats with hearts carved out of stones. However, much I cribbed about the partiality of my parents, my pleas were on deaf ears and eventually I had resigned to my fate of being the sacrificial lamb for my sister, always.

The moment I resigned to the inevitable, the mighty providence schemed to get me into more trouble. The phone rang at the precise moment I sat down to help her with her essay. It was Jigar. I looked at her and scrunched my nose, hoping she would not throw a fit and bring the house down. Jigar had caused enough commotion for the day, I did not want more. She looked irritated but when she spoke, it was a complete relief.

"Go, just go!"

"I am sorry." I had to play it down to escape her wrath. "I will be back in five minutes, I promise."

"When have you ever..." Before she could complete her sentence and before the phone could stop ringing, I picked it up and left the room to find a nook to chat with Jigar.

"You there?" were the first words he uttered.

"No, I just ran away," I replied sarcastically.

"Will you ever be nice to me?"

"Isn't it nice enough that I picked up the phone despite the ruckus your mom created at my place today?"

I was on the wrong foot I realized, the moment I heard a sharp intake of breath from the other side.

"What happened?" And I could hear him snarl.

"Your mom called up home to warn my mother that I was indeed stepping the line by dreaming of becoming Mrs Jigar Bhansali." The anger that had seeped in when my mother told me this had not found an outlet yet. And Jigar was doomed to be my go-to place to vent out my anger. "For God's sake Jigar, just tell your mom I am harbouring no such dreams. And...please clear your stand too. If you have any...such romantic feelings towards me, just cut them short because it will never be possible. I have no inclination to fight the tornado call Naina Bhansali."

"Are you done?" He was exasperated at my tirade. He had no inclination to defend his mom.

"Not yet..." I breathed for a moment and began again. "Just go tell your mom never to call my ma again for anything. And how dare she bring the status quo into this. I know she considers us below her standard, but I have high standards myself Jigar. I am not a gold digger." My raised volume hadn't alarmed Jigar at all. He was used to my angry outburst sessions and let me continue without interruption as usual.

"Your mom can be so petty, she had to resort to lowly techniques like these to make my mom feel inferior and..." I stopped mid-sentence because I could not get what I was doing. I know Jigar must have understood, he must be sorry and will take care of it, why am I stretching it unnecessarily. Am I goading him for a reaction?

...and I don't know where her standards lay but...

"Shut up and calm down. I know you're hurt, and I am sorry. I will definitely talk to her about this and I am sure she had no intentions to demean you or your family...it's just that she got to know from people in the office what transpired today and what I know of her she must have heard an exaggerated version from my dad about you and me making out in the close confines of the office. And that must have got her worked up"

I hissed at the audacity at the mention of our steamy make-out session in the office. It was wrong of me to venture into a zone where I was completely unwelcome. I should have just stayed out of his business. I was at a loss for words. Apologizing was one trait I was not endowed with. The word "sorry" always sounded alien to me and with Jigar I had accepted that the onus of saying sorry or feeling remorseful lay with him solely.

There was a long silence as if we had nothing more to talk about, which was far from the truth. We were never short of topics. I decided to hum the silence out when my name was called from the other end. My mother was calling. I disconnected the phone without even explaining myself to him. I was too scared to rummage the old topic of Jigar with my mother.

I stood up mentally chiding myself for being stupid and avoiding talking to him in front of my mother as if she wasn't aware, we talked endlessly in the night like two besotted lovers. I internally groaned at my own comparison. Was I subconsciously in love with Jigar but not aware of it? I shook those feelings off immediately attributing such thoughts to the numerous Bollywood films that corrupted innocent minds.

"Abhilaa..aasha,"

I broke out of my trance and was all attentive to hear what my mother had to say.

"Dad is calling you."

"Be there in a minute." My heart started thudding the moment I became aware of what lay ahead. I composed myself for the battle... nah... war... nah...important decision ahead. I walked behind my mother saying a silent prayer and furiously bribing God with any amount of candies that would work from him. If only God was as fickle-minded as the humans to be swayed by sweet little nothings. What tempted God was perhaps the good deeds of humans and honestly, I had none to claim at that moment. And so, I bribed him with the promise that I would not lie to my parents and be as honest as possible. I know the word "as" is shrouded in doubts, but I cannot help it. While I can expect God to be fair, but not my parents. They can twist and turn words and ideas in their favour and I would be stranded wondering what I did wrong to land myself in this mess. Done that been in that moment; I am not testing waters again.

As soon as I entered the room, I noticed my father hooked on a cricket match that I am sure was not being played live.

"Can you switch off the television for a few minutes?" My mother asked irritatedly.

My father's cricket watching habit irked all of us to no end. Not because he watched cricket but because he was never tired of watching a repeat telecast or highlights of a match that he had already seen. Now when people watch the same movie (I can understand) again and again (hell no I have no understanding...are you trying to memorize the dialogues?) but a game that you have watched and know the outcome of...

"Sit." And with that, he put the television on mute. My mother cursed Cricket with all her heart but there was no respite from it ever and decided to keep her mouth shut.

She begged him to speak.

"Oh! That was a nice save."

I turned to check what it was all about and saw my mother losing her cool bits by bits. When she could not control herself any longer, she got up and switched off the television. I was aghast at her audacity, there could be a storm brewing for having crossed the line, but my father took it in his stride and turned his attention towards me.

"So, mom was saying Abhi that you want to go and stay at Jivy bua's place as a paying guest."

I nodded in agreement. Anything that was in my favour required only a nod from me. This was the golden rule I formed at that instant to tackle my parents' inquisitiveness.

"Hmm...how much can you offer her?"

"5000." I reluctantly replied. I had no money in my pocket and here I was throwing a figure that I had no hope of earning at the end of the first three months at least.

"Okay. What is your stipend?"

I was contemplating between honesty as the best policy and Jigar's offer when I chose the former but not without titillating things in my favour.

"Dad, honestly speaking the stipend is good but I won't receive it immediately. They will pay me after three months because they are ensuring that those of us who join the program would remain till the end of it. Since they are utilizing their best resources to train us, they want to ensure that we do not misuse our rights and leave the program mid-way."

This was half the truth; the rest was a concocted story made up after reading a few HR policies online. I wasn't lying that could be one of their policies.

"I need some money for survival until they start paying. I will repay you the minute they start paying us for the internship." I looked at him surreptitiously, hoping for a look that could confirm his positive attitude towards me. But he was sitting poker-faced giving away nothing. My mother didn't speak a word. She stared into oblivion frustrating me with her weird behaviour. She didn't speak a word trying to assert my father's importance in this decision throughout.

"And ten thousand would be enough to survive?" His question was valid but the tone in which he asked was hurting. Damn, I wasn't dumb; I exactly knew what the problem was.

"And what makes you think Jivy would agree?"

Valid question. Pheww.

"Dad, if you want me to go, she will agree...and ten thousand is enough for my survival. Rent is a chunk and travelling. Food is free and what else would I need to spend on? I am going there to work and will have no time for fun and merriment...and more money is for fun which I clearly don't need." I cocked my eyebrows trying to look flustered.

He sighed. "Yet to be wise about the ways of the world."

"Is that a yes or a no? Dad, you don't need to beat around the bush, just announce your decision and get me out of this misery of the waiting period. I need to look for another internship if you choose the other way around."

"I will talk to Jivyka. Let me see. Don't keep your hopes too high."

I remained stoic in the worry of scaring my parents away with my excitement. However, poker-faced I wanted to remain; a big wide grin could not escape my face.

With that, my dad turned to his match and my mother, well she was a little shell shocked to see my father act as cool as a cucumber.

"Goodnight." And he simply looked at me in acknowledgement without letting that blank expression leave his face. While my mom, I couldn't understand her at all. I quietly walked away. As soon as I entered my room, I put myself to use and started working on my sis' project. She was tired and weary and was surprised to see me working for her on my own accord.

"Go to sleep. I will finish this up and keep it in your school bag." I smiled genuinely.

On instances like this she would never believe her ears but tonight she was dead with fatigue, mumbled an "okay" and left for bed. As soon as I sat down to work and fired up the browser for some solid information, I remembered that I had forgotten my cellphone in my parent's bedroom. My heart was in my mouth. I wish telepathy worked because I wanted Jigar to know that my phone is not with me.