25

Dieter's POV

I slammed the door to my room closed and there sat Crispin. Standing firm against the opposite wall, far away from me. I had a deep fear that this would happen, that he would see me and how I am with my pack and he would run away.

I knew he was a pacifist, I knew he opposed violence. But I never once hid myself from him. But now that I look back on it did we talk about such things? No not really. We didn't talk much at all. Even in that time apart at the beginning, most of our conversations were surface and flirty.

But as I stared at my mate, who now wore my mark, he looked terrified. Of me.

Did he not know I would never hurt him?

"Crispin--" I panted out, but he interrupted quickly.

"What the fuck was that?" I wasn't used to his voice being so harsh, and mean...especially towards me.

"I'm confused by your question," I told him truthfully which got me a scoff and he rolled his eyes.

"You stabbed your pack member? What the FUCK was that?" His face was bright red with anger and his chest moved up and down in a quick motion. "He had a mate, Dieter! And you killed him!"

"I DIDN'T KILL HIM!" My voice was loud and heavy, and if we weren't in my alpha wing I'm sure the entire pack would be able to hear our conversation. "I wouldn't kill a man who has a mate and a family." I sighed, calming my anger. "You should know I wouldn't do that."

I think that is what hurt the most. The fact he would think I would do such a cruel thing. I would never leave a mate on their own, seeing as I know just how sacred they are. But I am an alpha and this is the way of the pack. Thomas knew the consequences of going against me and he did so anyway. He brought it upon himself.

"I--I don't--I don't know that." His voice was soft but the words cut me from deep inside my core. It was tearing me apart, so much so I could wince outwardly because of how much they hurt.

"What I saw out there, is not my Dieter. I knew you had a way with others that was different than how we interacted. I accepted that. But this is--is too far." Crispin's eyes stayed firmly on the ground like he was unable to look at me. He was scared of what he'd see.

"What you saw is a part of me. I told you this!"

"You didn't tell me this! Why do you keep saying that?" He was exasperated and ran his hands through his hair.

"Did I not warn you? Did I not tell you all the things that came with being with me?" I started pacing back and forth, finding myself unable to stand still any longer.

"Yes, but--but--"

"But what? You thought us being together would change me?" Shame and sadness washed over his face and the statement made it to his ears. I balled my hands into a tight fist as the realization came crashing down.

"I told you time and time again, there is nothing that can be done. The deal with the goddess has been set. This is the way of my life."

"Dieter--"

"I am sorry, I am not what you expected." My chest was tight and I found it extremely hard to breathe. "But I tried to tell you and tried to talk to you, so it is not my fault you did not listen." That earned me a scoff.

"You tried? Mentioning it once or twice is not trying! You should have sat me down and explained to me in detail what I was getting into!"

"And when should I have done that, Crispin? Before or after I sucked your dick and fucked your brains out? It's not my fault any time I tried to talk about anything real you shut me down!"

I shouldn't have said that. Fuck. I should not have said that.

Crispin's eyes finally met mine after all this time. The sterling green was filled with hurt and anger. Hurt from me. Something I never once wanted to put on my mate. I wanted to apologize but I couldn't. Though it was hurtful that statement was true.

"I've tried to talk with you about what we should do about our packs. What steps do we need to take? When our next visit be? Yet every time, you shut me down." I sighed and stopped my pacing. The distance between us was causing an ache in my body and I wanted nothing more than to run over and hold him. But I couldn't.

"We can't just live in a perfect, fantasy world, Crispin." I saw him flex his hand and his muscles get tight.

"I'm sorry if my excitement came off as fantasy, but that is not what it was."

"Crispin, please. It wasn't excitement." I leaned my back against the wall and slid down on the floor. I no longer trust myself to stand. "You were avoiding. Avoiding the real issues we would face. And now..."

"Stop blaming me!"

"No one is blaming you! I'm just explaining--"

"No, you are." He huffed out in frustration, clenching and unclenching his fists. "I'm not the only problem here, stop saying that I am."

I closed my eyes, feeling them begin to burn with tears. He was right. He wasn't the only problem, we both were. I didn't try as hard as I should to explain how things were to him. But he never gave a full opportunity to either. We both were at the hands of our downfall.

Something that rarely happens, but, this is a feeling I have never felt before. And it was burning me alive.

"We don't know anything about each other." He whispered it, but I heard him loud and clear, and no matter how much the words hurt he was right.

We rushed into things too fast. We were too overcome by the feelings and desire of having a mate. After spending years thinking we'd be alone. We didn't take the time to know each other. And now we are marked for each other.

I was marked to a complete stranger.

Crispin followed my lead as he sat down on the floor. His head hung low and I heard him sniffle. I wish there was a way to comfort him, but in this moment there is nothing I can do but sit here and feel the tension.

"This is who I am, Crispin. I cannot change."

"You haven't even tried..." I groaned thickly, annoyance filling my veins. He still did not get it.

"You think I haven't? I spent years of my life fighting this, doing what I can to reverse this damned curse! I've done it all!" Frustration was thick in my throat as unwarranted memories of my past came flooding the forefront of my mind.

"You told me you would accept me, no matter what." I sucked in a deep breath and closed my eyes. Knowing the next question I'd ask would change everything between us. "Or has what you seen changed that?"

He was silent. A lot longer than I wanted him to be, but he sighed and lifted his head to look at me.

"I don't know, Dieter. This is all too much and my head hurts from processing everything. On top of still waiting to figure out what this 'sacrifice' you speak of is."

It felt like I was hit with a ton of bricks, as Carter's face flashed through my mind. This was not the time to tell him this. Or to speak out about this. I wanted to tell him once things were better between us, but after today it goes to show we have a lot more to figure out.

But telling him this, this would end it all. This can ruin us.

"What?" He asked, concern all over his face. "You're hiding something from me, I feel it." His jaw ticked as he stared at me. I tried to keep my face impassive, but it seemed an impossible task when looking at my mate.

"Crispin, I--I--"

"Do you know what it is?" He questioned. Fear covered his face as he waited quietly.

"I do." I choked out, my throat now completely dry.

"Is it...can we not have children?" I shook my head no and took a deep breath.

"No, that's not it." Crispin let out a huff of annoyance and gritted his teeth at me.

"Dieter, if you don't spit it out, I swear to goddess I'll--"

"It's Carter." The words were like acid on my tongue. It felt like every single vein in my body was being pulled out of me one by one.

"No, no it's not Carter. Carter is my son." Crispin scoffed, and I tried my best not to let the words 'my son' hurt me as much as it did. I saw Carter as my own now, but right now it wasn't about my feelings.

"Yes, but--"

"No! It's not him! It can't be..." His eyes were and flickered across the floor as he thought. And it was like watching a movie play in slow motion. As I watched the realization crash on his face. "No, Dieter...no."

"It explains the lack of patience you've had. And why do you feel like your relationship has changed..." I tried my best to keep my voice low and sympathetic. The worst thing I'd want is for him to think I am calling him a bad father.

He stayed silent and I did nothing but watch as tears ran down his face. He covered his mouth with his hands as he let out a deep gut-wrenching sob. Not only was I feeling my own emotions but I was able to feel his as well. His agony, his despair, his...regret?

"My Carter?" He whimpered, which tore into my heart. "He--he--no. No. I will fix it." I was afraid he would say that.

"You can't," I spoke softly but his head snapped towards me. If I wasn't already sitting I am sure I'd be knocked to the ground by how fierce his stare is towards me.

"What do you mean I can't? The goddess can pick another fucking sacrifice. But she is not taking my son!"

His son.

"Crispin, you can't. The more you try to fix it, the worse it will become."

"How do you know that?"

"My mom, she--she and my father. They tried their best to keep having children after me but they almost lost Danielle, and my mom she had to have her ovaries removed--"

"Just because that happened to her, doesn't mean that would happen to me!" He seethed out. I tried to keep calm but his words hurt. He had no idea what my mother had gone through, and his reaction was insensitive.

"It won't change! Stop being stupid!"

I shouldn't have said that...fuck. I should not have said that.

"Stupid? Me trying to repair the relationship with my son is being stupid?"

"He's not just your son anymore!"

It felt like the more we talked the farther we got away from a solution. Maybe deep down this is why we didn't talk in the first place. We knew that somehow we were so different that if we focused on that we would be ruined...

"So neither of us will have a relationship with him anymore? Is that it? Because it doesn't seem that way! You seem to be closer to him than me and--" He quickly stopped himself and sucked in a deep breath. "Oh, no I see. This sacrifice only affects me, does it not?"

"It affects both of us."

"How is it affecting both of us?" He shook his head in disbelief. "I raised him, he's my family, all I've ever known. You've just met him, so how is this affecting you?"

The way Crispin looked at me wasn't a look he'd ever given me before. And this face, this disdain he now holds toward me will forever be etched into my mind.

A tear slipped out and ran down the scar on my face. But I made no move to wipe it away. I felt my body grow weak and tired from fighting our bond. Our bond wants us to just shut up and makeup. But we can't. The longer we ignore it the harder it will be.

"This, this right here. You looking at me like you hate me. This jealousy you have toward me, the way you glare at me any time I talk to him. Don't think I haven't noticed that."

Silence fell over us again. I had no recollection of how long we had been in this room, or how long we had been talking. It felt like hours but for all I know it could be minutes.

"Your resentment towards me, is my sacrifice, Crispin."

"Oh, bullshit! So you get off scot-free and I lose my son! You lose nothing."

"Scott free? How can you say that? How can you say I lost nothing? I am losing a part of you aren't I?"

Crispin slammed his hand into the ground with a loud thud at my words and caused a slight jump from me.

"If I had known..." He didn't finish his sentence, his voice trailed but I knew what he was going to say. He was going to say what I feared the most. What I feared would happen the moment our sacrifice was made plain.

"If you'd known you'd what Crispin? You'd've rejected me?"

The silence was deafening. Paralyzing even. And though no words were spoken, it was loud and clear that the answer was yes. He would.

"How long have you known?" I ran my hand down my face and leaned my head back against the wall.

"Two weeks..."

"Two fucking weeks! You've known this and haven't said shit to me?" Crispin was on his feet again. But this time he tore his shirt off and began changing his clothes. He threw on a sweatshirt and sweatpants and began pacing the room. "Some mate you are." Now that got a scoff from me.

"When was I supposed to tell you? Before or after Carter left the house to find me to help you after you yelled at him!"

I shouldn't have said that. That was a fucking low blow...

"Fuck you, Dieter! FUCK YOU!" Crispin spat at me. I rose to my feet quickly, anger thick in my stomach at his words.

"I'm not the bad guy! I told you this!"

"I know you did!" Crispin yelled back in a sob, he was crying heavily again. And there was not a single thing I could do about it. "I know you did and that's what makes it worse."

"Crispin, I--I--" The words I'm sorry danced on my tongue but I didn't say it. Why would I? I warned him...but I couldn't help but still feel like I ruined my mate's life.

"I need some time." I stilled. "I--I need to think. I need to be alone. I just need to be--be away from you."

Carlisle let out a deep howl as we felt our bond being torn at the words he spoke. I had no idea what to say back, other than give a nod and take a step back from him.

I knew this was all too good to be true.