26

Crispin's POV

I've never felt such a pain before.

I thought the worst pain I felt was when Dieter and I were separated. But I was rudely mistaken. This, this is much worse. Grieving my son who is still alive. And there is nothing I can do to fix it. That's what makes it worse.

I've spent the last two days crying and trying to comfort myself but nothing works. I've not seen Dieter since our argument and such choice words were said. But I'm still not ready yet. I was never one to look at the goddess as cruel, but this...this is. This can't be for the betterment of myself.

I waited years for a mate, and when granted one, I got the one that comes with turmoil. I wanted a family for Carter, not for him to live in isolation.

I find myself going back and forth on what we should do, whether or not I reject him, or continue. Though deep down I knew rejection was never the answer and will never be an option. As much as I hated to say it, what I did know about Dieter, I was growing to love. We just didn't give each other enough time to explore the bad parts of ourselves. The parts that conflict with each other.

The separation is slowly killing me it feels like. I've been sick, throwing up, headaches, and cramps in my back. I don't quite know what cold I got but I am too scared to leave this room to go find out.

There was a knock on the door and my heart skipped a beat. For a moment I thought it was Dieter, but the scent behind it didn't match. I got up from the bed and pulled the door open to see a woman with the same features as my mate.

"Hi, Crispin! It's so nice to finally meet you, I'm Georgie." Her smile was bright and it warmed my heart.

At any other time, I would have been embarrassed by how I looked. I stood wearing sweats and my hair was an unruly mess, I was completely and utterly unpresentable. And yet, I couldn't bring myself to care.

"Can I come in?" I realized I had just been staring and hadn't said a word. I nodded quickly and moved to let her in. I closed the door behind her and she sat on the edge of the bed. Waiting for me.

"I hope you don't mind, but Dieter told me about your tiff and I wanted to speak with you." Her smile faltered slightly, but I had a feeling it was just nerves. This was the first time we had ever spoken to each other so I can imagine she might think this was overstepping.

"No--no, not at all." I smiled softly and she motioned to the spot beside her. I moved quickly and sat down. We both moved to where we were facing each other and for some weird reason, I felt like I was getting in trouble.

"Please, don't be upset with Dieter. I forced him to tell me." She cleared her throat and moved her dark brown hair behind her ear. "I know we are just meeting, but I see a lot of myself in you. And if you don't mind I'd love to give you some advice."

I nodded quickly and she took a deep breath and began.

"When I first met Donnie, I was so enwrapped by him. I, too did not think I would have a mate. I spent some years alone waiting for us to find each other. Then when we did, we were so ecstatic, that we marked each other right away. Like how most wolves do." She chuckled lightly. "But that caused some issues between us. I knew nothing of the sacrifice, and the deal with goddess. I was already so in love when Donnie finally broke the news to me."

"It felt like my life was being torn apart, and in my grief and worry I told Donnie that if he would have told me sooner I would have rejected him."

Though I never said those words to Dieter, it was implied, and I found myself recognizing the parallels between the four of us.

"Then when I found out it was affecting me, more than it was him. I, having struggles getting pregnant and losing my ovaries, I thought, well this isn't fair. Why am I being punished more than he is, when his family is the one that made the deal?"

"I felt that I was being punished even more and that I was suffering more than he was. And I blamed him for many months. Losing a physical part of yourself is never easy, even if you've never felt it before."

"I don't see how you got over that...I don't think I can get over this..." I sighed and my voice trailed. I knew I didn't need to go into grave detail. If she spoke to Dieter he must have told her everything.

"Who said I got over it?" My eyes snapped to hers and I finally took the time to look at her. There was a deep sadness there, which didn't comfort me at all. "I realized that Donnie's sacrifice was me. Was us." She took a deep breath and I could sense that this was a hard topic for her.

"We've not been the same since I had my surgery. I love Donnie I do, but there will always be a part of me that will resent him. That would wish for a different life. A life where I can have as many children as I please." She gave me a weak smile and I felt my eyes tear up. There is no way around this.

"I am not a violent person either Crispin, I despise it. That was one of the many arguments Donnie and I have had over the years. How I wanted him to change, not because I thought the peaceful way was better, but because I was unable to accept him. I was unable to grow and change."

"I say all this to say, it might not seem like Dieter is losing much. But he is. You'll spend the rest of your life loving him, having the ache to make him better, and resenting him. All at the same time."

I felt a tear roll down my cheek. My mind reeling with this new information, but in a pleasant way. It made my reality even more real and my future even more daunting. What kind of relationship can we have if I will always have some ill will toward him?

"I understand your situation is different. But I know that it will be hard going forward to watch your son slip away from you. But you're not alone in this, not anymore. You have a family now, Carter has a family now. He won't be alone. I assure you."

Georgie held my hands tightly in hers and rubbed her thumb over the back of my palm. But her words were like a hug around my heart. She was inviting me and Carter into her family even after all the things Dieter and I said to each other days before.

Though I wonder if she heard what we said she would say the same thing.

I knew I needed to fix this, fix the things between us. If not for me, but for Carter. Because then he will at least have someone. If it can't be me. I'll find a way to show my love for him even if it's through others indirectly.

"Thank you," I told her softly. She gave me a sweet smile and cupped my face gently. An action that had not been done to me since I was a boy, my own mother.

I felt myself begin to break down, emotions of loss erupting through me. Georgie moved to where she could hold me against her and I sobbed in her arms.

I lost my parents when I was young, not much to it other than they were older. And life got the best of them. They've been gone for some time and I have learned to navigate life without them but it doesn't heal the wound in my heart. I miss them. I miss having people to lean on and look to for help. I miss being held by my mother as I cried and her rubbing my back.

Perhaps that's why losing Carter hurts so much. I know what it's like to have no one. I can't imagine him feeling the way that I do.

"Whatever you need I am here for you, okay? I am here for Carter, too." She rubbed my back soothingly as I let my emotions flood out of me. William let out a whine as well, it all hurt. My life was changing way too fast and I could barely keep up.

"Take as much time as you need, but I think it's best to talk with Dieter soon. Don't let the issues go unresolved for too long."

I don't know how long we sat on the bed for, or how long Georgie held me. But I do know that it was comfort I didn't know I needed. It eased something in me...my inner child. And for once I felt safe again. Safe enough to be myself in a way that I never had before. I felt cared for by a motherly figure, and I felt seen. All these things I haven't felt in a very long time.

I still was nowhere near ready to face Dieter. I still needed more time to process and come to terms with everything. Though from what Georgie said, I might not ever. But I wanted to try. I needed to try.

If anything I needed to take time to figure out the next steps for Carter and me. Would I truly be okay watching Dieter and Carter's relationship bloom and ours fall behind? I don't quite have the answer to that.

I don't think I ever will...