Harder than I thought

Anastasia James

The road passed in quick flashes through the window of the van that John rented, bringing a sense of peace and comfort. When Johnny suggested, yesterday, that we come to his grandparents' country house, I confess that I was surprised. I could never have imagined that he would have a country house. Really. A country house. Who has a country house!? All right, if I had a lot of money and was retired, I would also have a country house – and a beach house, a winter house, another one just to isolate myself from annoying people…

Anyway, it was quite a surprise. If I’m moved by Johnny's attitude, Steph certainly is too. I can't tell for sure, because as soon as we settled into the van, she put on her headphones and blanched next to me. Maybe I should do the same, after all, we still have a long road ahead of us.

I sighed deeply and leaned back completely in my seat. Some muscles in my body became less tense, but my mind didn't seem so comfortable switching off and letting me take a nap, so I just lay there. I turned my head forward, tired from admiring the landscape to my left, and accidentally bumped into Matthew's pair of brown eyes.

Through the inside rearview mirror, he was staring at me with a certain attention, and when he saw me staring back at him, he was momentarily perplexed. Although I was also surprised, I didn't show any reaction. I know that look well…

It could be that I’m wrong, but the way Matt looks – and even some of his actions and reactions – have much more meaning than most people think. When I first bumped into him there, at Rachel's, I was relatively surprised, because, I saw myself in him. It was as if I was looking at my own reflection. However, the next second when he was arrogant with me, I just disbelieved the whole thing.

Two days ago, when I met with Johnny, I had the opportunity to see a side of Matt that I never would have imagined. And no, it wasn't just his attitude towards sick children that stirred me, because my father's theory is not just about that. But, that's when my suspicions came true. The person I swore to see on the first day, was yes, the same person who had answers right on the tip of my tongue. He was only hiding behind a thick shell, which I dubbed the body's state of defense.

I say this with propriety, because I have acted in the same way.

There comes a point in life when you feel so fearful about the future that your first reaction is to push everything away from you before you lose them. And this aggressive attitude of Matthew's is nothing else but that. If he really was someone arrogant, I doubt very much that he would care about Steph. Or does he think I didn't see the apprehensive look on his face when she rested her head on John's chest?

I just wonder what made him so reclusive and, I don't know, maybe apathetic? I still can't decipher exactly what that look means, but I feel that I can help him in some way. The question is: how?

After long hours on the road, the rented van finally stopped in front of a huge barred gate. And when I say huge, it’s because it’s really big. Seriously, it looked like the entrance to a castle, with security guards and lots of greenery in the gardens. And I wasn't the only one amazed there, even Steph was stunned.

We walked slowly towards the house, being guided by Johnny, who was smiling broadly as he told us how his grandparents had met. In particular, I didn't pay attention, even though I’m a card-carrying lover of romantic clichés. But the reason was Matthew, who was the only one with a frown on his face.

Seriously, he didn't smile for a second from the moment he set foot in the van. The feeling is that he didn't even want to be here. Upon analyzing the assumption, I almost believed it to be true, but if he didn't want to, why didn't he just come?

Crazy guy…

As I stared at Matt, I thought it was funny. With his arms crossed and a beak on his face, he was looking like a child when is contradicted by his parents. As I thought of the comparison, I laughed out loud, drawing the attention of Steph, who was walking beside me.

“What's so funny?” She narrowed her eyes.

“No big deal.” I stared at her, still smiling, and received a suspicious look.

“Well, guys, before we decide on the rooms, why don't we have lunch first?” Johnny suggested.

“Please! My stomach is growling.” Kaleb rubbed his own stomach, drawing a few laughs.

“Do you wanna some help?” Molly asked, making him think for a moment.

“I don't think so. I'll just get some firewood and be right back.” He nodded, turning away.

“I'll go with you.” Greg said, following him.

The two of them walked off into the woods, determined, and we stayed right here to help. Well, almost everyone, because as soon as they were far enough away from us, Scott and Molly wrapped their arms around each other and just took off for a walk.

“These two are unbelievable.” Steph rolled her eyes. “Ana, let's peel some vegetables. I feel like eating salad!” She looked at me expectantly.

“Sure.” I nodded.

“What about me? What I can do?” Kaleb stared at us like a puppy.

“You're a disaster in the kitchen, so just by not getting in the way, you'll be helping.” She forced a smile.

I laughed and glanced at Matthew, who was still frowning and with his arms crossed.

We still have a lot of things to do around here, like making the table, for example. Maybe if I ask Matt, then he’ll be closer to us and at some point the ice around him will melt. Yes, it costs nothing to try, after all, I need to get closer and try to help him, because just pushing everything and everyone away it’s definitely not the solution.

“So, Matt…” I interrupted myself as soon as I saw Matt turn his back on us, heading toward the white lounge chair in the middle of the garden.

What the hell…

I opened and closed my mouth a few times, not knowing what to do in that situation. Matthew ignored us and walked to the garden, where there was a white lounge chair next to a table. Rather, he ignores me to be… alone!?

“I can do it myself! Whatever it is.” Kaleb volunteered.

I stared at Kaleb and ended up smiling. He wasn't the one I wanted, but okay. Help is help.

“Sure.” I nodded. “Let's…” I think about what to say, still looking at the guy sprawled out in the white lounge chair. “Let's pack up everything to eat.”

I give a long sigh, finally looking away and joining Steph and Kaleb to finalize the last details of lunch, still with a distant mind.

I guess helping him will be harder than I thought…