Chapter 50

"Truly what we women must go through," I say wryly, it's delicious to make a baby, but having one is an odyssey. The road is fast, they were already waiting for us at the clinic. Lucy is immediately taken up to a room, the good thing is that we can all be with her.

"My God, this hurts gentlemen ... It hurts ..." Lucelia screams hugging my sun because of a new pain. Francesco with all the love and patience in the world, listens to her hateful words.

Kahin arrives with Randon, my brunette looks at me but doesn't say anything, I guess he's just as confused as me, we're spoiling everything, the first me. I can't believe that after missing each other so much and having a movie reconciliation, we just started arguing and fixing it with sex. I was not supposed to be like the others, things were supposed to be settled with me by talking. It is a fact I let myself be overcome by my traumas and then I let my problems join that and now here I am lost and not really knowing what to do. I'm about to leave my brunette, I'm about to lose someone important to me, I'm about to completely lose myself.

"You're pale precious," Randon sits next to me, I had left the room, I don't feel well.

"Easy, it's because of how much I'm going through, it's normal," I rub my fingers. "This Italian is lost and doesn't know how to fix things and the worst thing is she only thinks about running away," I smile.

“Don't do it, running away won't help you at all, talk to Kahin, give yourself some time if you need it, but don't leave that relationship, focus and think things through, we all hear it, you're like this because of your violation, those dreams are what make you jealous, irrational and make you a toxic person, seek help Marilí, talk to your husband and fix things.”

I just look at the floor, “I swear I want to fix everything, but for the first time in my life I don't know how to do things, everything surpasses me Randon. I shouted to his face that I would leave everything, that this has no solution and that he will react like me always worry me," I look at my friend, “what am I doing?” He just hugs me, that question can only be answered by me.

Five hours later I have a new niece, Lucelia brought into the world a beautiful baby with blue eyes and blonde hair, she is a cucada, she insisted that it be my sun who will stay with her, Kahin accepted it, to be honest he did not put buts. He speaks to me, now I have finished ruining everything, but I think it's for the best. Arriving at mother's house, Randon says goodbye and leaves. In front of my best friend and our mothers I look at them with a raised eyebrow, I don't like their looks.

"These are home tests," says Carla, showing me some pregnancy tests, when I want to protest she raises a hand and shuts me up, “we know that you're wrong and that you're really fucking, but before you make a decision on how much to end the relationship with Kahin you must be sure that you are not going to make the same mistake you made once, I must be the rational one and the most mature this time. You have been vomiting for days, look at that paleness and you have lost weight Marilí and I swear I wanted to believe that it was because of what you were going through with Kahin and yes, no one is stupid, here we all know that your relationship is wrong, but back to the topic,” she shakes her head, “take this.” I look at the three of them without saying anything, it's impossible that I am pregnant.

“Have you ever thought on this daughter? You can't leave your husband, if Francesco decided not to spend the rest of his days with those chemotherapies, with those treatments that will only make him feel worse every day, you must accept it, and he made his decision and you must support him, comply what you promised him,” my mother smiles at me.

“Come on daughter, go and take the three tests,” paying attention to my aunt, I obey, I take the tests and go to the bathroom. Time passes and then I look at them, my heart races in a way that surpasses any level.

"No no ..." I screech, running out with the tests in hand, “my son is only 3 months old, what am I going to do with another baby?” I start to cry, “this is not a good time for this, I'm not ready for another child. I can't even see for my brown and now I'll have another one, by God…by God ... I'm not liking this,” I sit down and pull my hair.

"Hey calm down," my mother hugs me, “this answers some things, right? Your paleness, that vomit you had,” now that my sexual appetite and my mood swings also mention it, that answers a lot.

"They weren't my dreams," I look at them, “I don’t behave like crazy because of my dreams, it's the pregnancy,” they don't know what I'm talking about, “all my jealousy and my outbursts were due to the damn hormones,” I smile at them and I kiss each one of them, I take my baby in my arms, “I have to go, I have to talk to Kahin,” without waiting for an answer, I leave the house and I almost crashed with Malcolm, I ignore what he says and run to the car. I head straight to the mansion.

When I arrive, I look for him directly in his office, I go in and see him looking at the picture I painted of the three of us, he knows I'm there but he doesn't look at me. "I thought you were staying with your mother,” he sips from his glass.

"We have a lot to talk about honey."

He looks at me almost with disgust, “weren't you the one who would leave me for your sun?" Hhe stands up and looks at my son from afar, when he's drinking alcohol, he doesn't go near him.

“I was confused Kahin, I need help, for a moment I got lost, I didn't know who I was and I got carried away by everything that is happening to me, I ... I ... I didn't stop to think about things, I love you. You know that's the case, but you should also know that you didn't know how to help me when I needed it.”

He finishes the drink, “I didn't know how, here you were the one who calmed me down, I only knew how to control you with sex and that you would accept it. You weren't like that, sex wasn't the only thing in our relationship and now I think it's only based on that, in sex, arguments and fights. You yelled in my face that our relationship was already lost, you hurt me Marilí.”

Every time he calls me by my name, it hurts, “I know and I'm sorry darling, but now we have to fix things, there is something important that you should know ...”

“Leave me alone please,” he cuts me off, “just leave me alone, I will not let you go, you are my wife and it will always be like that, but now just leave me alone,” with my heart in my throat, I nod and give him his space. Without giving account, I was damaging the man I love, without seeing beyond my confusion and my madness I just locked myself in, and it is not as I said it, the pregnancy is not what had me like that, my pregnancy only helped everything to come out more control.

I leave his office and change my son to sleep, from today I am willing to change, I will seek professional help to be who I was before, I will be a good mother and I will try to recover the love of my life, I will support my sun in his decision, I have to change everything, it is never too late.