51

When my face made contact with the floor, I regretted standing in the shower for so long. Let alone going out again.

But Clarisse had given Jasper a task to involve me in the pack life. Which didn't really work. But you didn't want to let my 5 days in bed turn into 6 days, which is why I've been on a schedule for the past two days now.

Even though my face was in the mud, I preferred to stay on the ground. While everyone else continued to run their rounds.

Eventually Jasper finally gave in and lifted me back to my feet with ease. He was visibly annoyed by my action, but I lacked the motivation to continue. I'd best run away and finally give myself up, and then this would all be over.

But just the thought of going back to him made my hair stand up. Every alarm system in my body went off.

"You'll probably be able to do a full lap," Jasper complained while the others all passed me. Be it in human or wolf form. How long have I been out of my wolf form ?

"I have no stamina and no desire" I defended myself, whereupon he raised his eyebrows questioningly. While I was again close to the temptation to sit on the floor.

"You are a werewolf, you have supernatural powers but no stamina?" He asked skeptically, to which I nodded and rested my hands on my thighs.

"Maybe I have asthma," I voiced my thoughts out loud, and Jasper walked away, shaking his head, leaving me alone with everyone else. Jasper doesn't have a sense of humor . "Jasper" I called out after realizing he was serious this time. As he kept walking I decided to run after him because without him I would be lost here.

"Wait" I managed to get out before he finally stopped. I was even less in shape than usual. Maybe that was because I was eating less and moving less than usual.

"What have I done wrong again?" I asked because Clarisse had advised me to just ask Jasper about problems. He would get upset but tell me the problem. Up until now, I've always been the problem.

"Anything," he replied, and I exhaled deeply. Because his words hit a sore spot. If only he knew .

"Can you be more precise?" I asked again and tried not to let it show.

"The last two days I've been supposed to get you fit, which isn't a problem for a real werewolf. But you can't even do a round and then blame it on asthma, even though we can't even get sick because we heal ourselves," Jasper told me in a very angry tone.

Without noticing it, he hit another wound spot. Because of course I realized that something was wrong with me. I'm weaker and slower, though it's in my blood to do great things.

A moment of silence fell over both of us, but before Jasper could turn around I stopped him.

"What's wrong with me?" I asked, my voice sounding cracked. I was never good at hiding feelings.

He looked briefly in the other direction and probably thought about just running away, but he went back. So from the direction we came from.

"What are you waiting for? Let's find out what's wrong with you, maybe something will come of it that will improve my mood" he called and I rolled my eyes. However, followed him.

"I'm glad my suffering brings you joy," I replied sarcastically. As we made our way to the training ground.

-

"First, let's test your reflexes," Jasper said, which immediately made me feel uneasy.

"Could we maybe start off softly? I mean, I'm still pretty exhausted from my-" Before I could continue, something slammed into my side, knocking me over.

"Was that a test?" I asked as I clutched my side painfully and heard what resembled a laugh from Jasper's direction.

"If you wouldn't have passed it," he repeated when I got up and saw the guy who ran over me.

Jasper actually hired someone around that time to ram me.

I glared at Jasper and stood up again when balls or something were thrown at me from the side.

"What shoud that?" I asked while trying to protect my head. But despite all, the balls hit me everywhere and left an unpleasant burn.

"As I said, we're testing your reflexes, which aren't very strong," he replied, as if he'd expected it.

"I've noticed that now too," I admitted, offended, I thought I had at least some reflexes. But these didn't happen either.

Jasper just nodded and looked me up and down. I sensed his dislike, but there was something else. Curiosity? Interest?

"Don't we have to try melee combat first?" He asked whereupon I gave him one of my deadliest looks, which didn't bother him. He didn't even come close to condescending to it. He knew I was no threat.

"I'd say let's try the same thing when you're in wolf form and letting him take control."

"What do you mean my wolf and I are not one? I mean we share one body" I asked Jasper pointing at my body.

I mean first he tells me some crap about me being just a weak wolf and now he says it's because my wolf and I don't work together and right now the human part of me is dominating. So clearly I was more human than wolf. But I thought it was due to some birth defect.

"Just listen to me properly," he asked me. As if I hadn't done that every second for the last few days.

"Ok, then explain it to me again" I asked him, trying to be calmer and concentrate on his words so that I could understand you better.

"You have lost the connection to your wolf, you share nothing more than the body. Your wolf can only use its power when it is in control. But your human side has turned against it, you are no longer one," he said me again while burying my face in my palms.

"How can something like that happen to you?" I asked since he seems to know everything about everything. While I didn't even know that something like that was possible.

"There must have been a moment when you turned against your wolf and then he turned against you too."

If he thinks I believe that crap, then he's dumber than I thought. Until I remembered my decision and how my life has changed since then.

Even my weakness was my fault. Is there anything I can come out innocent about?

"Can you think of a moment?" Jasper asked, but I immediately blocked. They still thought I fled because my mother asked me to. I also didn't want to think about my parents anymore, I mourned for five days alone and was able to think about everything carefully.

"You need to talk to me or I can't help you," Jasper said, his eyes looking like they were examining every inch of my face. And I wanted to know what he saw, how he saw me.

"Why should I tell you everything about me, but you don't tell me anything about yourself?" I asked him, alluding to the number of times he'd blocked each time. I can still remember the first day clearly, he didn't even want to tell me his name.

"Do you think I'm doing this voluntarily? I'm only doing this because my mother asked me to" he countered, whereupon I nodded my head understandably. I knew this truth, but still I feel a pain in my chest. I was a burden again .

"Oh right, I almost forgot. You're the tall, quiet Jasper who doesn't do anything voluntarily for others and prefers to just take care of himself."

"At least I have my wolf under control and could protect my pack," he interjected, again not realizing how his words were searing into my head. Or he noticed and he just didn't care. I guessed the latter because Jasper didn't miss a thing.

"I think dinner's ready," I said, fighting back tears as usual.

I finally had to get stronger and not start crying at every little thing. If I find myself annoying, how do others find this behavior?

When I saw the dining room door, I pushed all my thoughts to the farthest corner. The way to eat and to the training ground was the only way I knew and I was proud of that because I wasn't completely clueless anymore.

Most of the tables were full and as I walked back to the Alpha table to sit across from Clarisse, I couldn't help noticing the oppressive atmosphere of the room.

Very few talked, but just ate and stared in front of them.

When I looked at the table, I noticed that Clarisse wasn't sitting there. Wait a minute, but I saw you this morning, didn't I?

With a head full of questions, I sat down at the table where only Alpha Carter was sitting.

"She's fine," he answered the question in my head. Wait, he can read minds, some alphas can. How could I forget something like that.

"And no, I can't look inside your head. Your looks give it all away, though," he said, which made me turn my head to look at him.

In those few seconds, he was totally different from what I had imagined. Because in my mind he was even worse than Jasper.

"Jasper told me you lost contact with your wolf," he told me, and I poked at the food with my fork. I didn't know how close the relationship between the two is. Was Jasper telling him everything because he was his alpha or because he was his brother?

"He meant something about us not being one anymore," I added, to which he nodded. Two alien souls in one body.

"I'll see what can be done," he said, which made me give him a rather stupid look. Because for the first time I saw a real change in his features.

"Unlike Jasper, I keep my promises."

I nodded cautiously, not knowing what else to do. However, I did realize that both of them most likely made a promise to Clarisse to take care of me.

I trained with Jasper for 4 days. He figured out what seemed wrong with me, and yet now his brother Carter is helping me change that problem. And so slowly I was curious myself and interested in finding out what was wrong with me.

I stood uncertainly in the large clearing in the forest where we wanted to meet. Of course I didn't find the way alone, but finally I arrived.

I would be an easy target here, which made me feel even more uncomfortable. I mean I'm standing right here like on a salver. I felt my shoulder and neck muscles tighten as I somehow tried to detect changes in the smell.

"Could it be that you are quite anxious person?" I heard Carter's voice, which made me wince. His aura radiated right through my body and made me look down at first.

"Maybe" I answered him, while I then returned his gaze. "Do you think that's a reason for that?" I asked him again.

"No, otherwise your wolf would be in control and your behavior would be more aggressive because he thinks he has to protect the body," he replied, to which I nodded.

"Have you found your mate yet?" He asked what I had to swallow and how memories came up on command.

" Are you coming?" I shouted back because I was much faster than Lukas. He was definitely meters behind.

However, when I looked back, I didn't see him anymore. Which is why I stopped abruptly. My laughter died too.

"Luke?" I called his name while turning and taking in his scent.

But before I could even act, something slammed into my side and threw me to the ground.

"Were you scared?" Lukas asked me as I pushed him away.

"As if," I answered him while his eyes suddenly became more serious.

"I would be afraid if you were suddenly gone," he said quietly when our eyes met and my wolf raged.

Lukas wasn't my mate and yet I felt attracted to him, or rather my human side. It was an internal conflict. I mean, what if I never met my mate? Would it then be wrong ? Many wolves had other partners until they met their mate. No one guarantees you will find it or have one. What if Lukas suddenly met his mate?

But before our lips could meet, Lukas was pulled back with a jerk.

Looking up I saw the most horrible person in the world, with blood smeared her face and multiple scars on her arms that seemed so deep they should have killed you, going after my best friend.

"Jules, hey Jules" his voice brought me back, once again he had to experience how the questions brought me back to my past.

Breathing heavily, I rested my hands on my thighs and counted the seconds until my breathing settled.

"It's fine," I lied, realizing that no tears ran down my cheeks this time.

"So you met your mate?" He asked again and this time with more emphasis. Did he notice something?

"No" I lied again. He wasn't my mate, he was a beast. He's a beast. How could he be my soul mate? That would mean we had to fit together somehow.

He looked at me suspiciously, but didn't go into it further, which is why I was grateful to him. Jasper would now have questioned me again until he or I had had enough and one had left.

"Ok" was the only thing he said as I looked around and told myself that nothing would happen to me here. He wouldn't attack me if he saw I was with an alpha or he would attack because of that. Alpha or not. Carter is male. And Carter was here alone with me.

"We have to try to restore the trust between you and your wolf. It's like you've lost faith in yourself and therefore also in him," he explained to me, while I developed inner paranoia and looked around every time I saw a noise was.

Alpha Carter observed my behavior but said nothing about it. I didn't understand exactly why he just accepted it like that. Mainly because I don't behave appropriately towards him as an alpha.

It wasn't until I told myself a hundred times that I was safe here that I really listened to him again.

"So how do we proceed?" I asked him, whereupon he cocked his head and looked at me questioningly.

"You have to find yourself. Accept your past and confide in someone, you don't have to carry the burden alone" he answered my question, to which I would have expected something like some blatant training plan, like Jasper's.

"What if I don't have anyone to confide in?" I asked him. Because if I can't trust myself, how am I supposed to trust anyone else?

"Write it down, but anyone can find it and read it and a sheet of paper won't give you advice," he replied, to which I just nodded again. It was easier than saying anything.

"If you can't find one, I can make myself available. As an alpha, I always have to listen to other people's problems too," he said, not knowing if this was a joke or not. Because his emphasis was completely different this time.

"Does Clarisse even give you a choice?" I asked out of context because Jasper had made it clear to me that he was only doing it to love his mother. So why not Alpha Carter too.

"Don't worry about it, you've got bigger problems," Alpha Carter replied, reminding me of my super-running life. Dead family, packless, on the run. I think I hit the jackpot.

"Think about what you want to do, when you're ready you can come to me," he said, and I smiled at him.

"Thanks, even if you don't have much of a choice," I thanked him before walking back to the house.