52

My gaze shifted from the pen in my hand to my piece of paper.

He was right anyone could gain access here, but if I tell him what will he think of me? He would tell Clarisse, who would be disappointed in me. Just like I do from myself. I mean I could always burn the letter or destroy it so nothing is left.

Why does something bad always have to happen when I have a choice?

Without writing anything down, I put the two things away and threw myself onto my bed, which cracked when I hit it.

I should, had to confide in someone. But I only knew three people from the pack. And this is Clarisse, Jasper and Alpha Carter.

Clarisse falls away, as does Jasper. So only Alpha Carter would stay. But this also falls away when I think of the consequences. What if he turned me in?

I moaned into my pillow in frustration before deciding to head outside to clear my head. Maybe a walk would help.

I was also slowly able to remember the way from my room to the outside, which is why I didn't ask for more than too much help.

When I got outside, the first wolves came towards me. One bigger than the other. Little wolves played tag while their parents watched and compared their cubs. It was a typical pack day, for pack members.

Unfortunately, all this good vibes didn't rub off on me. Because while I felt like everyone around me was happy and dealing with their lives, I was even more floored.

Without realizing it, I was already in the forest and tripped over some tree root. And as I prepared for contact with the ground, I automatically closed my eyes.

But somehow the impact with the ground didn't come. When I then opened my eyes again, I knew why, Jasper had caught me.

The moment our eyes met dragged on for quite a while, so I wanted to avoid that moment. As a result, I made contact with the ground.

"You can't be helped either," Jasper said, looking even taller from the ground than when I was standing in front of him. What a miracle .

I quickly got up and brushed the dirt off my pants while watching Jasper more closely out of the corner of my eye. Because since we last met, he's been avoiding me, as have I been avoiding him. So this would be balanced again.

His skin had several scratches, and his clothes had a few dust spots. His brown hair was messy.

But where did he come from now? And why am I not getting anything? How easy do I want to make it for him to find me and take me with him?

"Depends on the person," I defended, causing Jasper's mouth to curl up. Before you fell again.

I couldn't really read Jasper or understand his behavior. In general, I haven't gotten any wiser on Jasper or Alpha Carter and what their brotherly relationship is like.

"And how do you like my brother?" He asked me, but I didn't know exactly what he meant by that. Did he follow me because he wanted to know what I thought of the alpha?

"He's nicer than you. Shows interest in my problems and doesn't come off with any surprise attacks," I replied, sounding like an offended toddler. Which is maybe half true for me.

"The perfect alpha," he said so quietly I almost didn't hear it. At least I still have my good hearing.

"Jealous?" I asked more as a joke, but Jasper didn't recognize my jokes.

"Become a real wolf first, then we'll talk more" he said and left me as he came. Simply that way.

In the end, this walk didn't really fulfill its purpose, because instead of getting a clear head, I just had more thoughts in my head.

When it was time again, I went to the dining room, where everyone was already seated. Also Clarisse was there again, who greeted me with a warm smile.

"Tomorrow we will have a visit from several nearby Alphas who are again looking for their mate" Clarisse informed me. The boys didn't look too thrilled about it, but when did they?

"Carter told me that you haven't found your mate yet, maybe he'll be there tomorrow," she added, while I choked on my food and wished I could choke on it.

"Sounds great," I replied to Clarisse's questioning look and tried to swallow the lump in my throat. However, I also felt Alpha Carter's gaze. I'm sure he already knows through some alpha sense that I'm lying and could bring death to everyone here.

Was this a test?

At my last thought, my heart stopped for a moment, not only do I have my pack on my conscience, but if I stay and he finds me, a second one. Just as innocent as the first.

I had no choice I had to talk to Alpha Carter and he would have to decide what to do with me. Because I wouldn't go voluntarily either.

"Jasper will pick you up tomorrow, you'll keep your place at our table. You're practically part of the family," Clarisse laughed, my eyes drifting to Jasper who had the same look as 10 minutes ago.

I also wondered if the two had already found their mate or if they were as lucky as me.

His words echoed in my ears and I could feel his hot breath on my skin again.

"You can run and hide, but I will always find you. You are mine."

My eyes studied my reflection intensely. I barely recognized myself. I had lost weight, my features had sunken. My eyes radiated fear.

I was wearing a long-sleeved dress that ended just above the knees. Swallowing, I pulled a pair of dark pantyhose over it. My skin would betray my lies.

I immediately pushed the dress over the places that are not for the eyes of strangers and brought me back to the worst time of my life.

To be on the safe side, I pulled a cardigan over the dress, which covered my shoulders. Nobody should see that.

I let my dark blonde hair fall loosely over my shoulders so that they also covered them.

After a short time Jasper knocked on the door and opened it. Apparently he was in a hurry. At least he had announced himself.

At first I would have expected him to say something to me, like boys or men usually do. But he wasn't one of the 'normal'.

"You look strange in a dress" was the only thing he said before describing the daily routine to me.

First there would be a welcome dinner, Alpha Carter will talk to the Alphas and eat together at the table. After that, the alphas would see if their mate is among the wolves. If you find what you are looking for, there will be another meal where you ate with your mate and her family.

All the while, I'll be sitting next to Jasper, who is sitting next to Clarisse, and she is next to Alpha Carter.

Didn't sound too difficult.

"And curious if your mate is among them?" Jasper asked as we neared the dining room.

"No, I can manage very well without Mate" I answered him, which is not a lie. I got along much better without him.

"Isn't it every wolf's dream to find her mate?" He asked me again, which made me tense even more. Because the more I thought about Mates, the more he came back to me. His dark eyes, tight jaw.

"Not every dream has to come true" I replied and asked a counter question before he could question me further.

"And have you found your mate yet?" I asked, after which I observed how he also tensed up and his steps slowed down for a short time. Apparently this topic was a sore point not only for me, but also for him.

"We're not there yet," he replied, which made me laugh.

"Oh yeah, you don't even dare say my name more than once Jasper," I teased. Which went pretty wrong.

Because faster than I could even react, he pushed me against the wall and growled at me deeply. It was the expression in his eyes that was so full of anger and sadness that I wanted to start crying. And suddenly I wondered what Jasper had experienced that made him behave like this.

As I tried to turn under his grip, my cardigan slipped a few millimeters, which he noticed. His eyes, far too attentive, were fixed on this spot.

"What is that?" He asked as he pushed my cardigan aside further and looked at the deep scars that marked my body.

"Scratches," I replied, taking advantage of the moment he was distracted to free me and walk away.

Control your breathing, I tried to remind myself. While everything started to spin Fuck fuck fuck.

"Who did this to you?" He probed as he grabbed my wrist. "Was it your old pack or your mate?"

My gaze lingered on his hand around my wrist for a moment before I met his insistent gaze.

"We're not there yet Jasper" I repeated his words and he let go of my wrist as if nothing had happened. Also, the expression in his eyes changed as I pulled my cardigan back over my shoulders.

Jasper wasn't stupid and I was quite convinced that he had already tinkered something in his head.

"I think your family is waiting for us," I said while we still stood in the hallway with nothing else to say to each other.

Jasper nodded silently and led the way, as always I followed him. But this time something was different. Which wasn't just because of what happened a few minutes ago, but because of something else.

I felt my wolf and this did not bode well.

" You can't fight back, your wolf is stronger. He will always keep you with me . We are Mates. "

No no no.

Not now.

Not here.

"Jasper" I whispered too softly because when Jasper opened the door the next moment it was too late, he had found me.

His empty, dark eyes, filled with nothing but hatred, bore into mine. A corner of his mouth turned up and presented me with his victory grin, because you couldn't call it a smile.

When Jasper noticed I wasn't moving, he grabbed my wrist and pulled me behind him. Which was the next mistake, because his smile faded and his eyes seemed even darker than they already were.

Feeling my heart was about to jump out, I sat down next to Jasper and tried to avoid his gaze by lowering mine.

As Alpha Carter greeted the other Alphas, I felt like my nightmares were all coming true. He had found me again. What was I thinking? .

The scars on my arm felt hot as if he had torn them all open so they would never heal. His handwriting on my body.

The oxygen no longer found its way into my body and I was generally much too warm. Jasper noticed this, of course, but he didn't ask. Instead, he caught his eyes on me and it wasn't long before he was probably connecting the dots.

"I'm not feeling very well right now, I'm going to go get some fresh air," I apologized in the middle of the meal, whereupon that grin graced his face again. But before he could follow me, Jasper wanted to get up. But this was prevented by someone else.

"I'm going to check on her, everyone please stay seated" I heard Alpha Carter's voice. But he didn't agree.

"I can watch her too," he said, trying to keep his voice down, but Alpha Carter didn't budge.

"She's one of my pack, I should check as her alpha. I'm sure you understand that, Alpha Brendon."

His name has fallen, the name I avoided at all costs. Because he hid the beast, the monster that he is. A name made him human.

My steps quickened until I almost ran out. I just wanted to put some distance between me and him as quickly as possible. How could he find me so quickly? Last time it took a lot longer, even though I was at home. Was that another game of his?

Outside, the cold wind hit me immediately, which I warmly welcomed.

I didn't know what to do, so I sat down on the floor in silence as the first tears began to fall. Which I immediately brushed away as Alpha Carter sat down next to me.

"I'm sorry I-" I started to apologize when he cut me off.

"Tell me the truth, Jules," he demanded, causing my body to tremble. Not because I was cold, but because I was scared. fear of death. But there was no other way out. No matter what would happen from now on, there would be nothing good in it.

"I can only help you if you're honest with me," he replied after I still hadn't started. "No more little lies."

To calm myself I closed my eyes for a moment and took a deep breath before the images played out in front of me.

"Four years ago I had a boyfriend named Lukas, he wasn't my mate but we were pretty close because we knew there was a risk of never meeting your mate so we gave it a try.

In any case, we ran through the forest once, and I was still in control of my wolf. I knew nothing until my wolf went mad. At first I thought he was mad because Lukas wasn't my mate and we were so close.

But he was acting crazy because my real mate was nearby. When Lukas wanted to kiss me, he was pulled backwards and torn to pieces in front of my eyes. By none other than my mate, who turned out to be a possessive, aggressive alpha.

I can still clearly remember that look in his eyes before he even made sure my lights went out. He knocked me out the first time we met.

When I woke up I found myself in his territory with his rules. Despite everything, my wolf was crazy about him, no matter how much he hurt or tormented us. My wolf always thought we could change him because he loved us. I also thought at the beginning, maybe I was assigned to him by fate because I could calm him down.

So at first I believed my wolf, but I couldn't stand what he did to us. It kept getting worse and he became more and more aggressive. He accused me of having affairs with other pack members, although he never let me out of the house and no one but him was allowed in.

He then killed some of his own pack members.

Eventually it got so bad that I turned against him. I had neither accepted nor rejected him. What I took advantage of.

The next night he took it so far that I thought I was going to die from the pain, so I turned him down. It took a toll on him and changed his wolf, but I had a chance to escape. I didn't think it could have gotten any worse. But I saw it in his eyes.

Not only did he change during this campaign, but I did too. My wolf turned against me.

On my way home I was among a few packs that had offered to help me. After I told them everything.

When I got home it turned out that my parents thought I was dead because I had been gone for almost two years.

Over time, I repressed the time I was trapped in and kept trying to forget it. Until there were raids on several packs.

At first I thought it was packless wolves again, but when I heard the names of the packs I knew who was behind them. He killed everyone who helped me. Until he finally came to my house. He found me again. It started all over again.

My mother didn't tell me to run to safety and get help.

I fled and abandoned my pack when it needed me. You died because of my decision. They're all dead just because I rejected him. It's all my fault, I'm sorry Alpha Carter."

"Nur Carter."