misery

I looked up from the papers I'm reading when I heard a knock on the door. I saw Christine reluctantly standing in the doorway. I didn't even realize she's been there the whole time.

"What is it Christine?" I said before immediately returning the focus to what I was doing.

"Ahm sir, can I go home now? I already asked for your permission earlier so that I'll be out by nine."

I glanced at the watch. I didn’t even notice the passage of time.

"Go ahead. Just make sure to submit first thing in the morning, the minutes of the meeting with Mr. Kazuki."

I picked up the mug of coffee while I'm still busy reading but I put it down when I realized it's empty. I was about to get up to make another cup but Christine immediately approached me and took the mug.

"I'll do it sir."

I just nodded.

She laid the steaming coffee on the table minutes after.

"Thank you," I said after taking a sip. "You may go."

"Ahm sir, do you want me to order food? I didn't see you go out to eat dinner."

"No, I can manage. Go home, Christine."

She didn't seem to want to leave me yet so I stopped reading and turned my attention to her.

"It's okay, Christine. Thank you for your concern. Go home. You said it's your parent's anniversary and they've been waiting for you. Go home already."

For a moment I saw more hesitation on her face but she nodded and went out. I looked back at the pile of papers on my side and the coffee mug on the other side.

I took off my glasses and leaned back in the chair. I squinted my eyes and sighed. I haven't been able to focus on what I'm doing so until now I haven't been able to do half of my job.

I took the cellphone out of my pocket and opened the gallery. I was surprised not to see pictures of Femella. I sighed when I remembered that I bought a new one and threw out the old cellphone.

With a sigh, I put the cellphone back in my pocket and immersed myself again in the work. It's the only way I know to keep my mind from wandering back into the woman who begged me to let go of her. I don't tend to push myself on the person who doesn't like me so I let her go. It's not beneficial if you go after the person who doesn't want you anymore. Sometimes, you have to know when to let go. Maybe Femella loved me too but that wasn't enough for her to accept me into her life.

To this day I still wonder how to deal with the pain because of what happened to us. This is the first time I've felt like this. My brain is out of order. It's hard for me to finish the job so I have to go back to the documents over and over again. I can't sleep unless I'm drunk and even in a dream Femella is still there. I've dreamed about holding her near me and then only to wake up the next day to an empty side of the bed.

Now I understand the grief felt by the women I used to flirt with. Some begged, others plainly cursed me while many accepted the end of our relationships though all of them said a line about karma.

I let out a violent sigh. This is probably what they call karma. I have to pay for my playfulness with women.

I'm trying to get everything back to normal. I went out with friends, did the usual things I did before she came into my life but I can't find happiness in them anymore.

So I avoided attending functions and gatherings to avoid questioning. Even the mother who often teases me in marriage miraculously didn’t ask me a single question on why I didn’t include Femella in the gathering we held at home.

The clock struck at midnight but I didn't move in my seat. I'm not tired enough to go home. I only need a few bottles to go to sleep.

It was already two in the morning when I got up and took my coat to go home.

The hallway is very quiet. The executive building is also empty of people. I leaned inside the elevator and stared at the changing number on the floor panel.

It seems like it just happened yesterday. I remembered how we rode here every day together. Little did I know that she was planning to leave me in those moments.

That's why I haven't gone to my penthouse since Femella left me. There were too many good memories there. I am staying now at one of my condominiums after spending a whole sad day at work and trying to drive away a little bit of memories.

But at the end of each day I painstakingly live after she left is a wish that she'll come knocking on my door to tell me she's sorry and that she's back for me. I want her to come for me on her own accord.

I don't want to chase her anymore.

I went down the lobby and some staff and loyal customers greeted me on the way. I nodded in response to their greetings.

"Sir, good morning."

I smiled at the guard at the entrance who never failed to greet me day and night before exiting the revolving door.

Jex opened the car door for me. I called them we were on the way. It took five more rings before he answered.

"I want the chopper on the 25th branch in twenty minutes."

I never heard his answer because I immediately dropped the call. When I arrived at the condo, I went straight to the room to get a few pieces of clothing. Then I went to the mini bar and started getting drunk.

I stood up when the two bottles ran out. I carried the traveling bag up to the helipad where I would wait for the helicopter. Some time later, I heard the sound of it. I waited for it to land before I started walking.

Ivan came down from the aircraft still wearing his nightgown. I averted my gaze from Spongebobs funny face that was curled up right in front of his crotch area. I remember Femella's room. She has that same smiling pineapple on her pillows.

"You're five minutes," I rudely interrupted whatever he wanted to say.

"My apologies, sir. It took me a while to get a taxi. The service car is broken—"

"Stop. Same thing again. Call me only when it's urgent or if there is an emergency. I'll be staying on the island for now. You're the only one who knows I'm leaving so if anyone finds out where I am, I'll take it against you. "

He nodded. "Yes, sir."

"One more thing." I snatched the key from my pocket and handed it to him. "Use this car for now until the service car is replaced."

"Thank you, sir."

I glared at him again, especially at the cartoon character on his bottom.

"You like SpongeBob that much?"

He went red in embarrassment.

"Yes, sir," he answered.

I snorted.

"I see."

I got on the helicopter and instructed the pilot. With blank eyes, I looked at the colorful light below. It was a spur of the moment decision. I’m tired of always camping in the office and in the unit. I have to breathe and there is only one place which enters my mind whenever I seem to have no control over what is happening. It's only on the island where I found peace and some answers to my questions.

We were on the island after half an hour. There are already many boats at sea but there are still a few fishermen on the shore who are also preparing to set sail. Their life begins at this time. They live a very simple life compared to mine and yet they are more content and happy than me.

"Thank you, Carl. I'll call you next week," I said to the pilot before getting off.

"Yes sir," he replied.

Andy and I, who drove my car, met for a while. He had earlier received the call from Ivan. He was very grateful for the help I gave to his wife so I was automatically taken as a godfather to his child. I agreed because I thought there was nothing I could do on the island other than relax and forget Femella.

The sky was still dark when I parked in front of the rest house. I slammed the door open and headed to the kitchen where I could see the strong pounding of the sea waves.

I stood up, picked up the bottle of wine, opened it and gulped. I looked around the whole house. We made so many memories together here. From quarrels, to more quarrels and a whole lot of other hot scenes.

My fists clenched as Femella's face appeared in my head when she rudely told me I had no space in her life anymore. My tears stung in the corner of my eyes.

I picked a bottle and threw it across the wall. The broken bottle created a noise in the silence. The glass was scattered on the floor and the walls but I didn’t care. I took another bottle and drank from it.

I plan to get myself drunk until I no longer feel like I do every night. Maybe it will somehow fill the hole left by Femella.