Chapter 55: Soul Searching

“You still didn’t have sex with him? After that? Oh my god. Kelly, you need to go over there and make love to him right this minute. I would. Who cares about Grayson and Aaron? Go. You are living a romance novel. If you don’t. I am going to beat you senseless.”

“I can’t.”

“Why on earth not?” Samantha sounds like she is getting mad over the phone.

“Because, he said that he doesn’t want to see me alone again till I make a decision.”

“Aaron is at work by the way. Otherwise, I would not be yelling at you this way. I mean it. He sounds like the real winner here. He is willing to wait for you, even after he pleases you.”

“I can’t. I will tell Aaron that I just can’t be with him that way though and for Grayson to go hit on the neighbor girl. I believe she already thinks he’s hot anyway.”

“Alright I will tell them." Samantha spouts out.

"No."

“Why, the hell not? Samantha wonders.

“I will tell them.” Kelly's mind wanders.

“So, you have made up your mind then?” Samantha asks.

“Yes.”

“And what did you decide?” Samantha cannot wait to hear this.

“After I get off the phone with Grayson and Aaron, I am going to go back over to Joel’s.”

“What are you going to tell him?”

She gasps. “I’m not going to tell him anything. I am going to wear my slinky, almost nothing dress that Julian bought for me with no underwear, then I am going to push him down and make love to him.”

Samantha shrieks, “Seriously?”

“Yes.”

“I can imagine the next two and a half weeks you are probably going to spend in bed at the beach house, aren’t you?”

“If I have my way.” She walks to the bedroom and pulls out of the closet the dress.

“You go girl. Are you still on the pill?”

“Yes, of course. I am not that stupid. I have had so many sexual partners in the last couple of months I would not know who the father was. Do not get me wrong. I would love another baby, but till I settle down with one man, I can’t afford to have one.”

“Anyway, I need to have a couple of talks. They are not going to be happy with me, for a long time. I hope they can eventually forgive me. I mean, even if this is just a summer love. Joel is right. I am not in love with them. It was just amazing sex.” She looks out the window at the sky. “Well, I better let you go sis. I love you. Bye.” She hangs up and intends on proceeding with her plan.

Instead, she sits there. What is she supposed to do? It hits her hard, knowing that Aaron is not going to take this well. She has just started getting used to being with him that way. Thinking that just maybe she could be happy with him, but she knows that she would never be truly in love with him.

He is the greatest lover she has ever had. He is so sweet, tender, caring and strong. He knows where to touch her and when. Yet, she just does not love him more than a friend. In her heart of hearts, she knows that. It makes her incredibly sad, deep down in the pit of her stomach. What does she do?

When she tells him, it may crush him. The last two days before she left were heaven, but they soon will be hell for him. He loves her so much, that if she does not tread carefully, she may never see him again. She needs him in her life, even if it is only as a friend.

Maybe, if she goes out and sits on the porch for a while and thinks, she can do what she knows she needs to. As she makes her way out the door, something grabs her attention. She sees Maggie walking by.

“Hi.” She waves at her. Maggie looks up and sees her waving.

“Hi, Kelly. How are you doing this beautiful day?” She walks over to her porch and sits down next to her on the swing.

“So, did you ever figure out what you needed to yet?” She looks Kelly over. She admits to herself that she would love to have ever looked like Kelly.

“Yes. I just must make a hard phone call, that I am dreading.” Kelly suddenly looks so sad.

“Well, maybe I can help.” Maggie puts her hand on Kelly’s.

“I have to tell a friend that I don’t love them that way.” Kelly looks off into the distance.

“Do you mean Joel?” Maggie looks suspicious.

“No, it’s a friend from back home. He has loved me for years, I just recently found out about it, then we became intimate, and I just don’t feel that way about him. I do not think I ever will. I am a hopeless romantic that has lost too many people dear to her.” She looks up at Maggie.

“I see, that is hard. You don’t want to hurt him but staying with him will hurt him more. You know that eventually one day you will leave.” Maggie has knowing eyes.

“Yes, and I want to keep him as a friend, but I know he will leave forever. I don’t know if I can live with myself if he does.” Kelly tears up.

“Take my advice. If he really is your friend. He will find a way to forgive you and understand. Eventually, one day he will move on and find someone right for him.” Maggie looks at her with a sweet smile. “If he doesn’t, then he clearly isn’t really a friend.” She tells Kelly.

“Thank you, you have helped me so much.” Kelly forces a smile for her.

“Kelly, have you given much thought to Joel? It sounds like you two might be in kind of the same boat. I know that he needs someone, and maybe that is you. Now, normally I would not intrude in these things, but if I were younger and not in love with my husband, I would grab him up.” She looks a little awkward towards Kelly.

“I don’t know how I feel about him. It is weird. He is the only guy I have ever been just able to sit with for hours on end alone with and just talk. Usually, they are jumping me as soon as they get the chance.” She looks over the beach.

“I moved into a new house about five months ago and I got involved right away with a neighbor. We carried on for a while. I thought he was the one. He professed his love to me, and I thought I loved him. I did, I just wasn’t in love with him.” Kelly thinks about what she wants to say next.

“Friends, usually isn’t part of the equation.” Kelly pauses for a minute. “Matter of fact, the only reason why my friend Aaron never jumped me, was I was married for years. Of course, at the time I had no idea he felt that way.”

“You were married?” Maggie acting surprised, asks.

“Yes, my husband died three years ago. He had cancer.” She feels vulnerable.

“I am so sorry, I didn’t know.” Maggie says apologetically.

“Oh, it gets even worse. A few months ago, I got married again. It was a whirlwind romance. A rock star of all things. In Paris, then a crazy fan shot him a day after we were married.” Kelly stares at the sand as she sees sun rays play on it.

“I heard about that.” Maggie grows quiet.

“It sounds like you have had more than your share of hardships. I am terribly sorry. More of a reason to celebrate life. To find the one you are meant to be with. Clearly, something out there has other things or people in mind for you.” Maggie crosses her feet.

“Destiny is something hard to fight, but maybe you rented this beach house for a reason. Joel is a deeply passionate man. I can see it when he plays with my grandson and in his artwork. I have no doubt that he could bring you out of this, then you can help each other.” She looks at Kelly with a smile.

“Well, I was going to find out. I just have not got around to it yet. I must make a few phone calls.” Kelly’s voice trails off, as she watches the sun slowly move through the sky. “I certainly wouldn’t mind living a romance novel, but it seems kind of unlikely. Since every time I fall in love, they die.”

“It hurts like hell, when I have all these men that love me, and I don’t love them in return. I just want someone to be in love with, and I am not totally sure that I have ever felt that. Even with my first husband. Maybe, I just can’t.” She tears up again.

“You know, it sounds like you have some soul searching to do. I would not trade places with you for the world. I am in love with my husband, and I wouldn’t trade him for anyone.” Maggie smiles and looks at the time.

“I must go dear. Think about it all and just take a leap of faith. Sometimes, that is the way we grow and find what we are looking for. I did. Someday, when I have more time, I will tell you how my husband and I met. Till then.” Maggie pats my hand for reassurance and waves goodbye.

As Kelly watches her walk into the distance, she wonders what to do. After sitting outside in the fresh air for a while she knows what she must do.