Freedom

CHAPTER 69

FREEDOM

Ariella decided to live temporarily in her apartment far from their mansion.

She's just alone there, so she can cry all day and all night. All she did was cry until she fell asleep.

Every time she wakes up in the morning, only memories come to her, so in the morning…she cries again. The set up was repeated over and over and even though she was tired of crying and enduring the pain, she couldn't do anything but shed all her tears because of the weight of her feelings.

Every time she remembered the happy memories of her and Anton, laughter, teasing, she always cry. She remembered how Anton treated her and it's breaking her heart so much.

She remembers that every time he calls her 'my wife' she is hurt, it hurts so bad. Her chest was tight and even if she tried to forget everything, ahe couldn't.

It is not so easy to forget everything. She thought that if only she could have amnesia so that she could forget everything, she would like it even more.

She doesn't know how to face tomorrow. She doesn't even go out of the house. She was just in her room all day, crying.

The bait seems endless. She wanted to be numb so she couldn't feel what she was feeling now.

It was 7:30 in the morning when she woke up. The sun was bright and she was dazzled there because her bed was right next to the window but even though she was dazzled by the sun, she still watched the sky.

The pain is still there. She still felt the pain in her heart. It was as if her heart was crushed.

She let out a deep sigh and let the first tears of the day fall.

She wiped her check and got up from bed to take a bath.

After bathing, getting dressed, she sat on her bed for a while. Everything that happened is still fresh in her mind.

It seems like just yesterday that she and Anton were still happy. It seems like only yesterday that they were dating and she could feel the joy and love. It seems like only yesterday when they were married and now they are divorced. It seems like just yesterday when they met accidentally, now they are back to being strangers again.

Everything seems like yesterday.

ARIELLA'S POINT OF VIEW

Life is really so tough. When you stay in a relationship that you know is going nowhere, would you still choose to stay in that relationship? When you are repeatedly hurt, you will keep on enduring it? I know being hurt is part of life when you fall in love. It is part of our lives...but in my situation, it is not just like that.

I used to think and feel that he loves me so much. So much...no, I just assumed much.

I could still remember how he sweetly calls me 'my wife' and every time I hear that, I could feel I am in heaven. I am feeling so soft like bread that's so fluffy. I thought that he wants me to think that I belong to him and he really loves me that much.

I used to think that he's different from the men I met before, that he won't do the same way... yes. He didn't cheat on me exactly but...it's just like that.

I used to think I was in his heart.

I was wrong.

I realized that it is not because you are already married....you will not be separated anymore.

I marry him when the time that I don't love him that much until I gradually loved him until I loved him too much. It's funny to think that I always deny it to myself. I couldn't even admit to myself that I loved him.

Any girl can fall in love with him. He's so perfect...

He made me feel that I am totally enough for him. He made me feel that he can't hurt me emotionally, that he won't make me cry. Oh, he can make me cry but in bed.

It's so fresh. Our memories together remained in my heart. Even if I wanted to let everything go, I couldn't. It's so hard.

I realized that you don't have to be a fool for a man. Trust your instincts. When you feel something different, believe it. Don't just sit there and be numb. Don't hesitate to confront him. Don't be afraid of fights and arguments.

I realized, if you give your love purely, and he abuses it, he will do the same way again.

He didn't have any idea how painful it was when I found out the truth about them. I just made myself a fool. I went blind and became deaf. I became numb and thought I was thinking wrong.

I have learned my lesson.

I thought he was the man meant for me. I thought he was going to be with me forever.

I realized that it wasn't for nothing that he brought you to the altar, introduced you to God, swore that he will be with you forever.

Marriage will always be papers. Just papers.

I thought I could find peace of mind with him.

It didn't even occur to me then that he still loved his ex-girlfriend. I don't even want to think about that. I know he loves me.

Fuck! I can't forget him.

"Just go, Ariella," I whispered to myself.

It's been a week since we last saw each other. We didn't even talk properly to make it clear.

So far, I'm pretty okay. I can face him and talk to him properly without pushing him, hurting him, yelling at him and so on.

Now, he's calling.

Just earlier, I received a text message from him. He wanted to see me and talk to me. It is included in his messages that he wouldn't force me to fix our relationship. He just wants to see me and talk to me even just for an hour.

I agreed.

Now, I could see him waiting in our favorite restaurant.

I could still remember every time we ate at that restaurant. He's so caring...

I could still remember every time I was sick, he's taking good care of me. It felt so good that he was taking care of me. I fell for him even more.

Now, I want to lift myself from drowning. I loved him so much that it was too difficult and painful for me to forget him.

How could I unlove him so easily?

I know that one day I will heal on my own. One day I will wake up that I don't love him anymore. One day I will forget him too.

One day I will forgive him too.

For now, I will let myself endure the pain until I heal.

I took a deep breath as I stood outside the restaurant. I took some courage to walk inside and face him.

There, I saw him waiting. He saw me immediately, so he smiled at me. The smile I am seeing right now was not the smile I used to see before.

I couldn't imagine that everything had changed in an instant.

I came and sat down.

I smiled back at him even now. The smile on him was just like the smile on my lips, both fake, both unreal, both forced.

"Good morning," he greeted.

I said the same way.

"How are you?" he asked.

“Still the same. Don't expect much,” I said and I knew he knew what I meant.

"Are you alone in your apartment?"

"Yes, why?"

"Nothing."

It's a little unforgettable now to talk to him. It's like when we got married. It's like when we had so much fun.

Sometimes I wonder if he was really happy then or was that also fake? But I could feel it's real or maybe I am just expecting it?

Shit! I don't know why I am thinking so much. I don't have to remember those things anymore but I can't stop myself.

"Uhmm…."

I noticed that he couldn't speak as if he didn't know what to say to me.

I feel the same way. I don't even know what else to say to him because there are so many things I want to say.

“How's your life? Um, I mean, are you okay in your apartment? I know you are not used to being alone," he said.

I laughed a little. He still remembers that I'm not used to being alone. I could still remember that I couldn't sleep without him next to me. I used to sleep with him.

I can't imagine we ended up like this.

"I can get used to it," I said.

He smiled at me, so I turned my gaze to something else. His smile is like a knife. It's not normal to feel it but it's hurting me. Fuck. It's hurting me so bad.

"How about you? What are you doing now? How's your work? You? How are you?” I asked.

I didn't expect that my questions would be one after the other. It's funny to think that he might think I am still concerned about him.

The smile I saw earlier was replaced by a fake smile. Even if he smiled that way, I know what's behind that smile.

"Don't worry about me. I am fine," he said.

"I see," I said.

I see. Yes. I could see he's getting fine, maybe.

Sometimes, I am thinking what is the status of him and Cindy now? Are they continuing dating? Are they together everyday especially now that we separated already?....are they making love?

Fuck! What kind of mindset is that, Ariella?

Tsk. Why I am thinking of those things? I shouldn't think about them.

“Uhmm…I want to say something,” he said.

I frowned and started to wonder again. I am really a certified overthinker.

“I am really sorry.”

Ugh! Why it hurts so bad? He said sorry….but it's hurt. I don't understand. It's hurt. Chest pain.

Am I getting abnormal?

"I hope someday you forgive me."

Here we are again. I will remember everything again.

"I'm really sorry."

I didn't say a word. I just lowered my head. I didn't cry even though I felt so heavy again. It's like I'm back in the past.

Then, he stood up.