28

Weeks have passed. Zaret was right. Xerxes wants something from me. I thought he was looking to me for support. That he hopes that I will help him. But this is not the case. Xerxes wants my soul - wants it to be as black as his. And he succeeds. Slowly and yet incessantly. He takes me to his torture chamber. Not to hurt me, but to let me hear the screams. I hear the cries for help every night. the screeching.

It followed me everywhere at first. I heard the pain-ridden noises while sleeping, bathing, or eating. They were in my head and they were driving me insane. Xerxes told me it would get better. He wanted to show me what's on his mind. show me his world He did that too. But he didn't just show them to me. He pulls me in. To hell where suffering and torment are normal.

It's not that I don't hear the cries for help anymore, or I don't have them ringing in my head anymore. But now they are more of a background noise. It's normal for me when people's voice breaks because the pain is too immense. In the meantime, I can even hear the background noises that occur during torture. The clatter when iron meets iron. The smacking sound made when flesh is cut or torn off. I didn't notice any of that at first. I only heard the pathetic whimper.

It should scare me. I should do everything in my power not to let Xerxes get to me and I should certainly defy his hell. But I don't do it. Yes, Xerxes makes me a bad person. And yes, for me, people's suffering is becoming normal. But I don't care about any of that. I fought before Xerxes showed up. There was raging water around me and I screamed. Just wanted someone to throw me something to hold on to. But nobody did. They all stood on the edge and watched me sink. Every single one. The water swallowed me. Took my breath away and made me twirl deeper and deeper.

And now... now Xerxes took pity on me and took my hand. We both went under. Everyone in their own way. But we're not alone anymore. We hold each other tight and give each other the support that nobody wanted to give us.

People didn't want to help. You were too cowardly. Too self-absorbed to look left or right. And now they have to live with the fact that we don't do that anymore either. Two tormented souls who have become exactly as they made us become. I don't want to blame anyone. How could I? But I'm starting to understand that humanity creates its own monsters. Just in one way or another. That one monster never wakes up. Sleeps quietly in the corner and the lost soul chooses death. Just like my mother did. But there is another way. The one Xerxes showed me. Which is cruel and yet balm for the soul. That keeps me breathing even though the blackness of the water is everywhere. And I am eternally grateful to him for that.

But despite all these factors, I can't manage to stay away from Zaret. Every night I sneak down to him. It's like he's my drug. And Xerxes won't stop me. I'm sure he knows what I'm doing. He must know the reason why, even now that I can call a soft bed my own, I am still tired. But he tolerates it.

And so I can visit Zaret undisturbed. Even the jailer doesn't say anything anymore, just holds out the key to me without a word. Normally I would say I'm happy right now. It's not the life I dreamed of, but it's okay. And I don't expect more. A simple okay is better than anything I've experienced before. But there's one thing that kills even this okay.

Zaret. He's getting worse and worse. He tries to hide it from me, but he can't. There are days when he can't even get up. He's dying and I have no idea why. It is not external wounds that weaken him so much. Of course, Zaret has cuts here and there. But these are not so deep that they produce such effects. Zaret is destroyed from within. Sometimes there are days when he can't even talk anymore. During this time I just sit next to him and listen to his rattling breath. hold his hand And no matter how hardened I am to suffering, at Zaret I am not. It tears me up to see him like this. Every time again. But today is a good day. Today Zaret can stand and talk.

"You're changing," he whispers into my hair and I briefly enjoy the heat that emanates from Zaret. This unique smell of sulfur. Everything in me longs for his lips and yet I can only manage it, a tone of agreement from me to give. He's right. I'm changing. My soul is burned.

"Kalota, you have to stay strong." It's probably meant to be uplifting. Give me strength. But it's not. I don't need to be strong anymore. Don't need to fight anymore. But I can't tell Zaret any of that. He wouldn't understand. So I remain silent and instead press my face tighter against his chest. Enjoying the feeling of the heartbeat. But it is not as pleasant as it used to be. Even in the dull throbbing, Zaret's weakness resonates. There It's no longer calm. Rather, it's bumpy. As if the heart were struggling to keep beating.

Zaret takes a deep breath and seems to understand that he's not getting anywhere with me on this topic. Since our last argument, we've avoided anything to do with Xerxes, and I have no intention of changing that. "Okay, then something else," he grumbles, and you can tell he doesn't like my silence. But even if I hate it with every fiber of my being, Zaret's suffering plays into my hands. He simply no longer has the strength to push me further in this direction. "I heard Claire." The words are quiet. Hardly to be heard and yet they make me sit up and take notice. I immediately pull away from Zaret so I can look into his eyes. After all, it's possible that he just wants to lure me out of my reserve into saying something. And Claire is probably the most effective weapon. But there is no mockery in the eyes. Not a little smile. Rather, Zaret seems serious.

"What do you mean you heard her?" There's more anger in it than I intend. But Zaret doesn't blame me. A quality I've always liked about him. He can take as well as he can dish out.

He leans forward a little, and despite the conversation, that's enough to make my heart skip a beat. God, his gaze gets under my skin even now. I really wish he didn't have that power over me anymore. But instead of diminishing, Zaret's influence on me is increasing.

"She was here in the dungeon." Zaret looks at me. He probably thinks I don't believe him. That I'll laugh and call him crazy. And normally I would probably do that too. Why would Xerxes bring Claire in? It wouldn't make sense. But everything about Zaret screams not teasing me. So I swallow hard and want to push back the emerging restlessness.

"When?" I would like to ask more. But suddenly a lump forms in my throat, which makes it difficult for me to speak. If Xerxes really does have Claire, it's definitely not to have a nice chat with her.

"This morning." I nod curtly and pretend that's logical information. It probably is. But not for me. Suddenly there is a knot in my head that doesn't let me think anymore. Who doesn't let me believe what I've just experienced. "I don't understand," I whisper, shaking my head. Why can't I think right now? What the hell is going on here?

"Neither do I, but we'll find out now," Zaret grumbles, taking a small step away from me. I frown and look at him. But his eyes are not on me. As a result, he does not recognize my questioning expression. I'd like to ask him what he means, but Zaret's features are hard. Like he's seeing something he doesn't like. So I follow his gaze. Look behind me and down the hallway. And now I see what gets Zaret's attention. Or rather who. Xerxes. He stands three paces from the cell and only looks at me. The shock is written all over his face. And with that, my heart sinks one station deeper. no That's not a good sign.

"Xerxes, what...", I can't get any further, then Xerxes steps a little closer to me. "You have to believe that I could never have guessed how far she would go." I should nod. Should say something. do something. But all of a sudden, time seems to stand still. For the blink of an eye, even my body doesn't seem to be working anymore. As if even my blood would stop and not be pumped through me anymore. And so I can only look at Xerxes. Claire is here. In the castle.

"Yes, and what a coincidence it is that you come down here when I was just telling Kalota about it, isn't it?" Zaret's voice is scratchy. This shows how badly he is doing, but the thunder still reverberates heavily through his cell. But Xerxes ignores Zaret. And I don't see the message behind the words either. I want to see Claire.

"Take me to her." In fact, even I am amazed at the force with which what I said comes out of my mouth. Xerxes immediately nods and goes to the cell door. Reaches out his hand and I immediately want to grab it. But Zaret is stopping me. He grabs my shoulder and lets his lips hover over my ear. "Kalota, you should really think about who you trust." I hear the words but don't understand the content. I just don't care. Only the name Claire echoes in my head. No longer. So I want to shake off Zaret and indeed he lets go. "Look carefully," he whispers before he moves away from me completely and I can finally reach for Xerxe's hand.