GOODBYES

Days have gone by with not so much to do, but today is exceptional. It's a sentimental day for me as I part ways with these souls. Deep inside, I am so grateful that they have adopted a new life and are ready to pick up where they left off again. I anticipated this to happen sooner or later, but I am just so confused that I don't know what I am feeling.

A greater part of me wants to hold on to them for a while longer. They, along with my sister and Sheryl, are the ones who have kept me company these past few days. That sh*t with Deep impacted me in a way that I never imagined, but it's a story for another day. Sigh!

All the same, I cannot tie them down. I cannot refute this opportunity to reunite with their families and rebuild their lives. I cannot deny them that happiness. I can never be that selfish. I stare at them as they load their belongings in the vans, the police officers helping them where necessary. All I can do now is pray for them and wish them all the happiness in the world. They deserve that, and so, as much as it hurts, I am letting them go in peace.

"Hey! You know your sister is not leaving, right? I will be nagging you for the rest of my life." Grace startles me from behind. She has been so dear to me of late, and I don't know how I could have overcome that "deep" stress without her. She is now the Grace Wilson that I once knew—my elder sister.

"And you don't know how much that makes me happy." I respond.

"I am so happy. You know, Gia, I might not show it, but I feel the same way as you right now. These girls have been like my family. We went through hell together, and then you came. You saved us. They have been my companions here. They treated me nicely even when I was going through that emotional crisis. I snapped at them; I was really bitchy towards them. But they never condemned me. They were overly concerned and understanding. But I guess it's time to let them go now. They can't stay cooked up here with us forever." She says.

"I know, Grace. I am actually glad that we have come to this point. I won't lie. There are times I am so worried that they might not be able to overcome the nightmare they went through. But now I can say we have really achieved victory." I say it with a smile.

"Yeah, and that is all thanks to you, sissy. You are our heroine. Our black messiah This country should make a monument for you for this bold act, Gia. Thank you." This is the first time she is talking about this with calmness and without guilt. And with sincerity. Now I feel like a true heroine. I don’t need the monument or the recognition, though.

"I didn't know you were a flirt. Anyway, you have nothing to thank me for, sis. Let's just say that it was God. It still is him." I say.

"Sure, it was God who sent you to our rescue." I shift my eyes to the girls again as they widen their packing, but through the corner of my eyes, I can see Grace studying my face. She wants to say something, or else she wouldn't be scanning my face like this. "Spill!" I turn to her, and she takes in a deep breath.

"And you, Gia, don't you want to be happy?" She queries, her face turning dull with seriousness all of a sudden.

Is there anyone in this world who dislikes happiness? "What sort of question is that? Who said I was not happy?" I snap.

"Stop fooling yourself, sis. You very well know you are not happy, no matter how much you try to fake it. Are you going to let this stubbornness of yours deprive you of the happiness you deserve?" She asks.

Okay, so, where is this discussion headed? Deep again? Is it still me? Am I still the reason why things ended the way they did? Come on! How will I heal and move on if everywhere I turn is deep this and deep that, huh?

"It's all about me? My pigheadedness? What about him? He is a saint in all this." I fume. I didn't even know I was carrying all this anger inside. I thought I was over him, or maybe getting over him. Why do I feel so awful all of a sudden?

"Gia, the guy has gone through a roller coaster of relationships. Can you try and understand his fears for once? Have you sat down and counted all the things he has done for you? What and how much did he risk for you? What other proof do you need?" She says, sounding exactly like Sheryl.

"Give me a break, Grace. Love is all about taking risks. Sure, he did all that, but..."

"He showed you how much he cared, Gia. He took his risks, but you? Did you even at once try to make him understand what you feel?" She cuts me off.

Why is she being hard on me, huh? If he was afraid of me turning him down, am I not supposed to feel afraid of the same too? Geez! I cannot bear that. "I did. Believe me, I did my best." I defend myself, and it's true that I did my best, right? Yet he chose to disappear in thin air and forget all about me and everything we did together.

"Maybe your best was not good enough."

Hello!

Excuse my tired self! I didn’t try enough. Who was there when he made me take my walk of shame, huh? Who was with me all those times he just left me in flames with ardent cravings for him?

"Why..." I open my mouth to defend myself, but she cuts me off.

"In love, you don't quit trying unless there is no more hope anymore." She says.

"But what hope is there for us, huh? Don't you see? He left. He is gone. He ghosted me. He is nowhere to be found. He does neither call nor text nor do anything. That is all that I meant to him—nothing, Grace. So don’t tell me to try again." I say it with a lot of bitterness.

"Did he tell you he didn't love you? Or did he never want to see you again? Did you see him with someone else?" Well, as a matter of fact, he said he loved me that night. I walked into his house almost naked. He was always clear that he didn't want to lose our friendship. He denied me sex that night because he hated the idea that I only went to him just for sex. But... "Do you have the answer now?" I look at her, and she continues. "Deep loves you, and that I can tell you for sure. Have you considered the possibility that maybe he is testing you? Maybe he wants you to realize what you want and perhaps find him this time around." Well, that sounds relieving. Somehow.

It rings with a strong tinge of hope. Is that what he really wants? For me to find him? Will he give me time to express my feelings this time around? Will we finally have a peaceful moment to hold our long-awaited heart-to-heart talk?

"Everything is settled now, Gia. The girls are ready. I am sorry I cannot go with them because, well, you know why." Detective Paul says he is walking to us with the girls trailing behind him.

"Don't worry, Paul. You have been of great help, and I understand why you can't go with them." I turn to the girls, pushing that issue of Deep not so far from my thoughts because I need to revisit it as soon as I can. I need to close this chapter with Deep once and for all. We need to sort this out once and for all. "I think I have said so much this morning, and I am afraid if I add more, I might end up crying, and that is not the goodbye we all want. Besides, this isn't goodbye. You all have my contacts, and I ask that you give me a call once you get to your homes. Later, after I have gathered all the contacts, I will create a group for us where we can communicate with ease. Take care all, be safe, and I wish you nothing but happiness in your endeavors. Whenever you need me for anything at all, I will always be here for all of you." Short and precise. I suck at speeches, I know, so I always make them very short.

After nodding their heads and some loud murmurs of "yes" and "thank you," with their faces brimming with joy, they turn to settle in the vehicles, and soon, their hands are waving in the air as they bid a heartwarming goodbye.

Watching the vans disappear from my sight gives me the hardest feeling, I must say. My heart feels heavy and empty at the same time. I feel...afraid? "Are you okay, bestie?" Sheryl asks with concern.

"Ahh..yeah... I just feel so sad to watch them leave. That's... that's...all!" I take in a deep sigh, trying to calm down. I feel so weirdly strange, like a bomb is about to blow. What's with the paranoia and anxiety, huh?

"Gia, you said it yourself that this is not goodbye. The girls are going to be fine, and I am sure they will keep in touch with you." Paul comforts.

"Thank you, Paul. So, where are you two off to?" I ask, shaking off that awful fear from my memory.

"To see the caterers. We have a few details we have to finalize today." Sheryl responds.

I am happy for these two, honestly. I can't wait for this wedding. "Alright. We can come with you if you want." I remark.

"Sure, why not?" Sheryl bubbles a response.

"Good, but before we leave, I... need your help with something." I mutter shyly. They all look at me curiously, and only my sister has the voice to speak.

"What is it?" She implores.

"I need your help in finding Deep!" I respond, and well, well? Why does everyone seem to relax and smile at that, huh? "What's funny?" I ask.

"Nothing. We are just happy that you finally came to your senses. It's not fair that you are pulling all the strings to ensure other people's happiness while you are denying yourself the same thing." Sheryl says.

"Well. I have decided to put my bullheadedness and dignity aside, swallow my pride, and chase my heart's desires. This time around, I will not give that sweet, stubborn jerk even a minute to speak before I make him understand how I feel." I say.

"Uuuuh. That's the fire of love talking. So, what's your plan?" My sister. Curiosity will kill them because there is no way I am disclosing my plan to them.

"I only need to know where he is, and I will take care of the rest. So, Paul, any idea?" I ask.

"I'm sorry, but none. He refuses to tell me where he has been for two weeks." I think that means I will have difficulty locating him, but I will find him either way. In whichever corner of the world he is hiding, I will scatter this world until I find him. And when I finally do find you, Deep Moore Azzua, you will never ever think of leaving me even a centimeter behind. I will make you mine. Mine forever. Because I can't live without you, Deep, My Deep! Hang on, I am coming for you! I will move heaven and earth, if possible, just to find you.