CHASING OWN HAPPINESS

“So, I will have to leave you guys now. I have somewhere that I need to go.” I say once we get out of the cake house.

“Ooh, no! Come on, bestie! You can’t just leave us now. I need you to help me look around the gown shops and help me make up my mind because I clearly do not know what kind of gown I want. You can’t abandon me just now.” Sheryl pleads, hugging my hand.

Well, don’t get me wrong here. I admire this couple. I am glad that finally they have decided to let go of the lame excuses that they had, or rather, Sheryl had, and decided to tie the knot and start their happy ever after, after which I pray that it will be filled with nothing but love, joy, and happiness. I am so happy for them. I also recall clearly what I said. I will be there for them whenever they need me. I intend to. I will not abandon them. Even Ajay and Bernie will not be alone, just like I promised. I gave my word, and I will stand by it come what may.

But just like Sheryl and my sister told me, I have concentrated so much on ensuring everyone’s happiness that I forgot to secure mine. I was so determined to see everyone happy that I forgot how to hold on to my own happiness. I was here on Sheryl’s neck when she was acting up on Paul, asking her to make peace with her past, appreciate the efforts and sacrifices that this man had made for her, and embrace their sweet, profound love. What did I do with that special one who risked his all for me, huh? That person who laid down his all to emancipate me from the bondage of my captivator. That person who went as far as taking a bullet for me. What did I do to appreciate all his efforts, sacrifices, and mind-boggling gestures? Nothing! I was so stupid and blind. Seeking the log in other people’s eyes and forgetting my own, huh?

I have heard enough of this. His absence has awakened my senses. It has made me realize how much I love him. How much do I need him? How much I can not live without him. His leaving has taught me a very valuable lesson: that when it comes to love, there is nothing like pride and dignity. If you love someone, you will be willing to lay down your all for them. Loose yourself if need be, just to show them how much you love them. He is my happiness that I need to chase before everything goes completely down the drain.

And I am taking that step. I am laying down my all—everything that has been holding me back from confessing to him that I love him. I am blurring the idea that only a man should confess his feelings first. I am done holding back. I am done playing hard. I am so done fooling around. I want Deep the way he wants me to want him. I am going for my deep. I will pour my heart into him and ensure that I leave nothing unsaid. No stone will be left unturned when we meet again. I am going after what my heart wants, and I will get it by hook or by crook!

“Sis? Is anything the matter? You are zooning out in front of us.” Grace asks with concern.

I shake my head. “There indeed is a problem.” I utter.

“Huh? What problem?” Sheryl and Grace ask in unison, worry painted on their faces. Paul is no exception, either. He seems as anxious as them.

“The problem is that you all were right all along. I have been a big fool. I have been so stupid to not see what Deep wanted. And the problem I have now is that I am realizing it when it is too late. Well, not really, because as long as he is in this world, I am making it my priority to find him.” I explain.

“Well, I don’t think that is a problem. That is actually something good. You have hurt the guy’s ego and feelings so much, I must say. It is a good thing that you now know what you want. And it is not too late. All I know is that you will not have it easy locating him.” Paul says.

“We are so glad that you realized how much that guy means to you, sis. Do whatever you can to find him. I am wishing you all the best.” Grace says, rubbing my shoulder.

“Sure, go Gia! But where will you even start looking for him?” Sheryl asks.

I clear my throat. “I don’t care where. If I have to turn this world upside down or move heaven to earth just to find him, I will.” I say.

“Count on me for anything that you will need, okay?” Grace says.

“Yes, us too. Don’t hesitate to reach out to us in case you need anything. Anything at all.” Sheryl assures me, throwing her man a glance to back her up.

“Sure, Gia. And don’t also forget that I am a detective. I will be more than willing to render you my services anytime, any day. Just say the word.” Paul says it genuinely.

I smile at them. I love this gesture they are showing me. It feels so good to have this small circle of caring and genuine buddies around me. But I believe that there are crosses that just need to be carried alone. Like this one. This is my sole cross. Besides, these ones are in the middle of their wedding preparations. One month is such a short time. I cannot destroy them. And I need to find Deep before then. “Thank you so much, guys. I appreciate your help and concerns, but I believe this is something that I need to do on my own. I can do this. However, Paul, I think I need you to do something else for me, but Deep should not find out. I will tell him myself when we have the results.” I say. And I hope I will have found him by then.

They all frown. I need to get this cleared up. I want to completely turn this page with everything cleared up. “Something that Deep should not find out? What is that?” Paul asks.

“Ejay seemed to hold a deep grudge against Deep. In his last moments, I asked him why he hated Deep so much. He said that that was something he would leave me to battle with, which means there was indeed something more to what Deep told me. More than what Deep knew. I need you to find that out. On the same note, the issue with my father still remains unresolved. Please assign the best team you can get to work on those two issues because I know you will be busy with the wedding.” I explain.

“Alright. I will do that, but what relationship could Deep have with that man?” Paul asks.

“I don’t know. I know that Deep wants to leave things as they are, but I cannot help the urge to know what that monster held against Deep. I need to know what the beef between them was.” I explain.

“Okay. I will work on that. Are you sure you don’t need any other help?” Paul asks again.

“No. I will handle Deep alone.” I say.

They all nod their heads in respect to my wishes. “We understand, sis. But in case you need any help at some point, we will be more than willing to help.” Grace says.

“Sure. I know I can count on you guys, and I appreciate that so much. I will keep your offers in mind. For now, I don’t want to, but Sheryl and Paul, you will have to excuse me. I really need to go and start looking for my man before some bitch out there casts an eye at him.” I say.

“Okay. We understand. Good luck, okay? And I will be on your ass every minute, asking for updates.” Sheryl says this as she gives me a hug.

"Alright," I say.

“I will come with you," Grace says to me.

“Don’t you want to stay with them? You could help Sheryl with choosing the gown and all.” I say.

“Ooh, there you go again, putting everyone before you. You two need each other more, especially now. Paul and I can handle things on our own.” Sheryl says.

I keep quiet. I think that is one of my greatest weaknesses—always thinking of everyone before thinking about myself. And I think I should change. Not necessarily stop caring about people, but maybe try and balance? “Alright. We will go now. But you two will not be on your own either. I will make sure to help you anywhere I can.” Grace says.

“Alright. We cannot refuse any help.” Shery says.

We finally say goodbye to them and walk out. “So where to, sis? Where are you beginning your search?” My sister asks as we hail a cap.

Where? That one place. I will start there before I divulge my search!