SEARCHING FOR DEEP

The last moments of the last time I was here days ago slapped me as I stood at the gate. It was at night, just like now, with the only difference being that today is just a few minutes to seven and not a few minutes to eleven like the other night. Everything is spanking me hard as it surges in—from how I left my house looking like a horny bitch that would fuck the first man that crossed her path. The shameful series of incidents that followed in the house. The fight that we had was meters away from here. The next one is outside the gate of the bar. I almost did the most crazy thing in my life—drinking my stupidity out and almost having a fucking one-night stand. God, please pardon me for my crazy thoughts that night and bless this man for saving me from something that I would live to regret all my life. He is my sweet, bona fide savior!

“Greetings, Miss Gia!” The security guard greets me, opening the gate so wide. If it weren’t for his hand holding on to the door and obstructing my way, I would have already jumped right inside.

“Hi. Is your boss inside?” I ask, peeking my eyes inside.

I cannot help the rapture that throbs in my heart when I see lights inside, but all that hope that was conjuring a smile from my lips shutters the moment the security man opens his mouth. “No, miss. He left days ago. ” He says.

He isn’t in. But the light...He always leaves the lights on when he goes on a long trip.” He shutters my hope further. I would want to think that he is lying and that Deep asked him not to let me in in case I showed up, but that is too bad for me because deep inside I know that Deep cannot do that to me.

“Can I go in? I won’t take long.” I ask softly. I just want to feel even a little bit of the connection that we once had. I want to feel his presence, even if it will hurt.

“Okay. You can go in.” He says. He knows me well. He probably even knew there was something between us.

With a bitter lump in my throat, I make my way inside. I insert the key and open the door slowly with a very heavy heart, hoping and wishing a miracle can happen and that his face will be shining brightly on me as I make my way inside. But I didn’t have that chance of such a miracle tonight. I don’t see his face anywhere, and nothing suggests that he is somewhere in this house.

I close the door behind me and stroll lazily inside to the emptiness with immeasurable pain in my heart. The emptiness in my heart couples with the one in this house, and the echoes of that combination ring so blasting. I can hear them from all the corners.

For the thousandth time today, I pull out my phone and try his number again as I make my way upstairs. The long rings continue ringing in my ear until that annoying sound stops the annoying paralyzing echoes. He did not answer.

I walk into the room that was mine on those beautiful days that I stayed here. It is just the way I left it—untouched, like he really wanted nothing to tamper with my memories here. Everything is in place. A very banging question pops into my head as I stare at this bed: what could have happened if I stayed back here instead of moving out of my place? Would things have gotten to this point? Where would we be right now? Somewhere in this house, laughing about anything and everything? Maybe I would have accompanied him wherever he went.

I leave the room and stroll across it to his master bedroom. I walk in, and the very first thing that greets my eyes is the series of framed photos of us both together. They are about ten or so, and oh, what a beautiful couple that we can make! They look so beautiful as they sit in two lines, well arranged at the headrest of the bed. I knew that he liked stealing snaps of me when I was unaware, but I did not know he had taken this much. He has a photo from each of the places we have been, even at my home. My heart leaps, skipping several beats.

He treasured all those moments. He was collecting as many memories of each and every moment that we shared as possible. He treasured all that we had. Yet I did not see it. I thought he was having fun. He had no feelings for me. He was toying with me. Ooh, how wrong was I?

And the last time I was in this room was the day that I blew up everything. It was the day that I shut down his hopes and mine. His words are echoing, screaming at me like he taped himself that day and left it playing here. My first mistake was showing up here looking like a sex worker on a fuck-hunt. And my second mistake was speaking like a whore who was after nothing but a hot fuck. And my third was my pride and cowardice—refusing to slap it straight in his face that I loved him. On the contrary, I lied so boldly to his face that I didn’t like him. And that is when he lost his all.

I brought all this upon myself. I brought this pain upon myself. God, can you please give me just this one last chance to make amends? On this last chance, I need to see Deep just once, and I will correct everything.

Before walking out, I stride to the balcony. This is where I made my first wish come true. We shared a lot that night with Deep. That is when we learned that we both had one common enemy who brought about this beautiful encounter between Deep and me.

And like the heavens heard me that day, I pray that they hear me today as I make another request—just one more chance for Deep and me to meet again! I believe that one chance is all that I need to sort things out. To the highest, please guide me and bring me to where my heart is!

With that, I leave the balcony. I need to take a rest and prepare for the real search tomorrow. I drag myself downstairs, but a few meters from the door, the door starts opening. I stop. Did he return? Was my prayer answered this soon?