BATTLING WITH GUILT

I peel my eyes away from the beautiful, familiar room. I scan around, but I don't see him. This is his bed, though. Why did he bring me to his room while he had given me a room before? I stretch my lazy body and throw the warm duvet off, getting up. I feel like crap and tired, like I was doing some manual construction work. Running isn't just for me. To top it all, I climbed a hill. I should start working out. Eyea roll! As if I need some six packs. I am okay with my tummy being flat just the way it is.

Memories of yesterday come flowing in my mind like a river, and I sit back on the bed, my legs touching the cold floor. I did it. Finally, the nightmare is gone. My nightmare will be no more. My tormentor is gone—and gone for good. Nobody is going to suffer anymore because of him. I will not be in fear anymore. I have finally had the freedom to live my life the way I want, to continue my music, and to build a network of friends.

I feel at peace and content, but why is there guilt in my heart? I did the right thing by killing that monster, right? He deserved nothing but death. That is the reward for evil people like him, am I wrong? He killed so many innocent lives. He destroyed the lives of hundreds of young girls. My judgment was fair, right? But why is my mind tormenting me? I killed someone who didn't deserve to live. I eliminated the monster so that me and all the people who were under his crutches could live in peace. Why do I now feel like a murderer? Why do I feel this way?

"Are you okay?" I look up at the man kneeling before me. I have a million things running through my head right now. Questions that need answers. If I don't talk to someone, I am afraid my head will explode. I try to say a word, but my heart feels so heavy. My head is screaming a thousand things, but my mouth just doesn't have the ability to convey even just one thing. And my heart is so heavy, to the point that the load is choking me. In a situation like this, only the eyes can do the talking. A stream of tears starts flowing from the left eye, and the other one joins too.

Deep hugs me tight, caressing my back in a soothing motion, but tears just don't stop flowing, and I am powerless to stop them from flowing. So I let them soak his white shirt while I clung to him. I thought yesterday was the end of my weeping. I thought that after Ejay's death, I would be at peace. I never expected this would happen. That I would feel this way. His spirit must be laughing at me, wherever it is.

"Talk to me, Gia. What is wrong?" Deep says this after we pull away. I am still sobbing, and I am sure my eyes are red and puffy from crying. "What's up?" He pleads, keeping my face between his gentle hands.

"I killed someone, Deep. Does that make me any different from him?" I ask so softly.

Deep down, I want to convince myself that there is a difference between me and that monster. I am not like him, but then again, the bottom line is that I killed someone in cold blood. It doesn't matter who it was, but I killed him.

"I want you to close your eyes for a moment." He says, and I do as he says. Maybe when I open them again, the feeling will have gone. He moves his hands to my head, caressing my scalp. "Just relax and think of all the reasons as to why you did it. All the things he put you through

As he caresses my head, my mind magically wanders off to every evil thing that that monster did. From the torture he made my mother go through before he ended her life to the way he murdered my father like an animal, they were both innocent and living their simple lives with us. But for no reason at all, he killed them.

All those people he killed, what rights did he have? For all the girls he locked up in his cursed brothel, he ruined their lives for no reason. The torture they went through all these years in his hands is immense, and they will live with those horrible memories for the rest of their lives. Will they all recover and be able to live a normal life? Will they?

What about me? Where would I be right now if he did not hold me captive? How many things could I have done and accomplished if all this had not happened? How far would I go in life? I might not have made a long journey in my endeavors, but I sure wouldn't be here. I would be a few steps ahead, and even just a single step is enough to make progress. I couldn't recognize myself for close to five months or even sleep at night. I cried a lot of times, begging God to help me recover my memory. The memory that that monser had taken from me

I had to tell so many lies just to stay alive. All that was because of a selfish monster who thought he owned everything, including the lives of people. He is the reason why my sister hates me right now, and he is the reason why we will never see our parents again until after life. He deserved every single bullet that he received. He deserved that and much, much more. I hope my parents are happy with me.

"Do you feel any better?" Deep asks when I open my eyes.

I dry the tears away. I will not cry ever again because of him. He made me cry enough when he was alive. I cannot let him make me cry, even in his arms. I cannot beat myself up over how or why I killed him. If I had not done it, he would have been the one to kill me, and he would not have felt any remorse for doing it.

It's over. The battle is over now. It is time to open a new chapter, because life cannot go back to normal no matter what.

"I am better now. Thank you so much." I answer him with a faint smile. I am not a murderer, and I will never be. I know this guilt will not fade away in a night, but it will soon. Somaday and somehow. For all the reasons that I had to do what I did, I know I will be fine in due time. "Thank you, Deep," I say to this man that God brought to me as a guardian.

Why do we seem to have so many coincidences? Like how we met, and then we happened to have a common enemy? What would have happened to me in Kisumu if he had not come to my rescue? What would have happened to me in the club these two weeks if it weren't for him? I hug him tight, a hug of gratitude, because even words cannot express just how grateful I am right now.

I was a confused soul when I met him back in Mombasa. But the very first time we bonded, he gave me a reason to fight for my freedom. He showed me the beauty of freedom and gave me a reason to smile and fight. As hard as it was, I won in the end. I am now out of the cage, and the lion is gone for good. I am free. Life has given me another chance to be happy. To live freely and love the people I choose to. In my new circle of friends, I want him to be the first on the list. He is worth keeping.

"It took a lot of bravery and huge sacrifices to do what you did. I honestly admire you for that. And you did it for the love of the people who fell victim to his selfish evil doings. Don't be sad about it, and don't think that you and him are the same. There is a very big difference between killing innocent people and eliminating a monster among the innocent. You didn't do anything wrong. I would have done the same; I wanted him dead. That way, nobody will have to live with the fear of him getting out of prison someday and starting to take revenge." Well, that sounds more consoling. He always had the best words for me in every situation.

"Thank you, Deep. That means a lot to me, but you know what? I don't want to think about him. Let's stop talking about that barbaric evil monkey." I say, and he nods his head.

"What do you want to do after breakfast?" He asked, pulling me out of his bedroom.

Me? What do I want to do? I don’t know. “Ooh, by the way.” I stop him. “This is the last bit of that message, okay?” I say.

“Alright. What is it?” He asks as we stand at the door.

“In his last moments at the hill, Ejay or Matthew told me something I find baffling.” I state this after remembering those jerks words. “Something that involves you.” I add.

“Me? What about?” He asks.

“He said that his hatred for you goes way back. He didn’t tell me more details, but I feel like there is something more than what you told me. Did you know him before?” I ask.

He shakes his head. “No. I didn’t know the jerk until he stormed to my office that day with some fucked-up deal. I don’t remember meeting him somewhere else before or after.” He says.

“It’s weird. You might want to investigate. Maybe…”

“We agreed we would forgive him, Gia. Let’s just forget him. There is reason to let him keep on tormenting us even after his death.” He says.

“But Deep, I will not be at peace until everything is cleared up. I want divine peace, Deep. And I know you will also be satisfied to know just why the monster hated you so much.” I say.

“Alright. I will give it some thought. In the meantime, you need to get distracted. So, what do you want to do?” Oh, back to this again? I honestly don’t know. I want to rest all day, but I know that will mean thinking about what has happened all day. I don’t want that.

"I have no idea. How are the girls?" Those poor tormented souls. I had told Mayleen to prepare my former house for them. They are a lot, so we had to buy extra mattresses and duvets. I hope they are comfortable.

"They are okay. You want to go see them?" Deeps asks.

I think that is a better distraction. "Yes. I need to see how they are and what else they need. I don't want them to feel suffocated like they were in that brothel. I will also find a psychiatrist for them. What they went through is real hell." I say.

"Count me in for whatever you may need. Don’t hesitate to ask me for anything. I want to partake in this noble course." I know I can count on him.

"Sure." I say as we descend down the long stairway. "I also want to go somewhere tomorrow. Can you come with me if you are not so busy?" I ask. An idea just crossed my mind.

"Sure, I will." Great. It's time to start fresh, and for everything to work out perfectly, I need to make peace with the past. That is what I will do tomorrow.