42

I sat in Padraig's yellow convertible, wistfully watching the villas go by and not only felt the wind blowing through my hair, but also renewed tears that slowly ran down my cheeks.

I could probably never stop crying, at least that's how it felt...

"Why didn't you stay with him?" Padraig asked into the silence, throwing me sympathetic glances over and over again while I briefly scrutinized his getup, which didn't reveal anything new. As always, he wore one of his white tank tops, his many chains and rings and dark jeans.

"You know exactly why," I replied, wondering why he even asked such a stupid question.

"Fuck it," he said suddenly and put a hand on mine. "If you really love him, just tell Theo."

"Have you become a fucking psychologist now?" I was getting angry that everyone thought it would be so easy to persuade my father to stay here. But Padraig should know that it was almost impossible.

"Apparently you still have your big mouth," he said with a raised eyebrow and took his hand away from mine to continue concentrating on driving.

I wanted to jump out of the moving car and run back like you see in the movies. Rian would come running towards me and I would jump happily into his arms. But unfortunately this wasn't a movie.

After several hours we arrived home, although for me it was no longer my home. I felt uncomfortable just the first step out of the car and sadly let my gaze wander over the large square where our many caravans were parked.

"My little one," I immediately heard my father's voice, who came straight up to me and pulled me into a tight hug.

And again I had to cry...

"I'm so sorry about mom," I sobbed, but he just shook his head and gave me a pitying look.

"She fell asleep. No pain, no tears. Very calm and peaceful," he explained and then looked at me. "You've lost quite a bit of weight. Doesn't the arrogant prat have any money for food?!"

My weepy eyes fell on Padraig, but he just shrugged his shoulders, following the motto "it's your own fault".

"I'm fine dad," I replied to my father and he wrapped his arm around my waist to lead me to our trailer.

"Come on first. Everything else can wait."

3 MONTHS LATER

I woke with a start, screaming, clutching my racing heart as my eyes squinted at the gloomy surroundings.

Gradually I recognized our trailer in the darkness and quickly grabbed my cell phone from the small bedside table to dial the number I dialed almost every night when I woke up from nightmares.

It was Rian's number, but we didn't talk. I called, he answered and then I put the cell phone next to me, listened to his breathing over the loudspeaker and found my way back to dreamland...

Why didn't I say anything? Because I couldn't have expressed in the slightest how miserable I was without him...

Those three months were pure hell. Where you might have guessed that things would have gone uphill again at some point, I felt as if I was falling further and further. A purgatory that made pure agony out of every new day.

I had lost weight, hardly spoke to anyone and lived on as if I were just a shadow of myself...

My father often wanted to know what was wrong with me, but as soon as I told him about Rian and my feelings for him, he only said that it will pass and that now that Mama and Cara were gone, it was important to stick together .

Great ...

When I suddenly heard Rian answering the call, my heart pounded so loud I was sure he would be able to hear it through the speakerphone. I quickly put the phone on my chest and took deep breaths in and out while my insides wanted to scream...

I also heard Rian take a deep breath, but like every other night he didn't make a sound either. So I went back to sleep with him on my chest, not knowing how I would ever be able to live normally again.

The next morning I woke up exhausted and the first thing I looked at was my phone. At some point Rian hung up the phone and with this huge load on my shoulders, I got up quickly and scurried into our small bathroom to brush my teeth and put on a sweatshirt. I then wanted to make myself a coffee because I hadn't been able to eat anything in the morning for weeks. I was nauseous all the time and felt like no matter what I ate, it would find its way out anyway.

Just as I was about to pick up the pot, I suddenly heard a loud roar from outside, drawing my attention there.

Curious and also a little shocked by the volume, I opened the narrow door of the caravan and watched my father and Padraig standing so tensely in front of each other that I was afraid they were about to jump at each other's throats.

"What's going on?" I stormed towards the two and held my hand protectively to my forehead because the bright sun blinded me so much that I could hardly see anything.

"Are you still asking that?!" Padraig suddenly yelled at me angrily and at first I didn't understand what it was about until he took my hand and looked at me intently. "Keeva! You have to get back to him!"

I looked at Padraig in shock and thought time had suddenly stood still until my father snapped me back to reality.

"Only over my dead body! Padraig, I warn you! You know as well as I do that this Rian is not good for her and that she belongs here!"

Padraig immediately let go of my hand and stood close to my father again, while I was unable to get a sound out. I just held my breath and hoped they would calm down.

"Oh yeah?! That's why I hear her screaming every night and you can literally watch her lose weight every day! Is your reputation with the gypsies worth more to you than your daughter's happiness?!"

"Yes! It is!" my father retorted spitefully, and I thought I must have misheard. It hurt and yet I couldn't say anything about it because I was just overwhelmed...

"No wonder Cara left. You're-"

Before Padraig could even finish speaking, my father hit him in the face with his fist so hard that I opened my eyes wide in panic and stepped between the two without thinking too much about it. I knew Padraig couldn't fight back as my father had more say in the family than he did, so I stood protectively in front of him.

"Stop it!" I yelled at my father, who suddenly grabbed my sweatshirt and raised his hand in front of me.

I expected the pain, but it didn't come. My father just stared at me like he didn't recognize himself anymore. There was only panic and confusion in his dark eyes and, as if in shock, my heart pounded painfully against my ribs. It was scary to see him like that. Knowing he had raised his hand against me for the first time... Knowing that I had given up the man of my life for a father who cared more about our status in front of the family than I did...

"You want to go back to him?! Then go and never come back! Your mother would roll over in her grave for such a betrayal!"

He put his hand down and glared at me hatefully before only slowly walking away and walking back to his trailer...

I didn't recognize him at all...

"You know, Keeva," I heard Padraig behind me, but I couldn't turn my head to face him, so I just stared at my father's trailer and waited for him to continue. "Your mother wasn't really there anymore, the long weeks before it ended. But you can believe me one thing. She never wanted you to suffer like that."

Completely confused I closed my eyes and then turned around to him.

"Padraig... If I return to Rian, none of you will be allowed to have contact with me anymore. I would be an outcast," I whispered and he just shrugged his shoulders with a grin.

"And?" he said afterwards and looked around. "So you'd rather be unhappy here than happy with him? Besides, I would never cut ties with you and you know deep down that your father would always take you back."

Thoughtfully, I turned back to the trailer, knowing that without my father's blessing I would never be able to leave...

"Just leave it alone," I murmured towards Padraig and walked straight towards the caravan to take a deep breath and hesitantly enter.

My father sat at the small folding table and even if he tried to hide it, I could see his desperation very clearly. He ran his hands through his dark hair, looking absentmindedly out of the small window while I walked slowly towards the table and sat down directly opposite him.

"I understand and respect our family," I breathed with a lump in my throat and because I had to suppress a cry, my voice cracked several times. "But I really love him and it's getting harder and harder to keep going when I don't see a chance of ever being happy again."

My father took a deep breath, tugging at his dark sweater, but not a word escaped his lips. I resigned himself to his silence and was about to get up when he held my hand and looked deep into my eyes.

"When Cara left, she took a part of my heart. Minutes later I lost you too and now your mother has been taken from me. It feels like I did everything wrong and just thinking about it you want to leave me again... how am I ever going to accept that?"

"But I'm not leaving you," I whispered and immediately his eyes became more serious again.

"You weren't even there when your mother died. Rather be with him and-"

"I went to see him because you needed money," I reminded him of that fact, watching glumly as he let go of my hand again.

"And now you're here again and if our family is still important to you, then you will be too."

RIAN'S POV.

It's been three fucking months since she decided to leave me...

Three months that felt like a lifetime...

And yet it had to go on, no matter how much my heart tore me up every day and I also just tried to make the best of this situation, but the nights when she called me were always so bad that I needed a distraction from this pain needed.

I lay exhausted in my bed, only just opened my eyes and immediately my first thought was of the woman who was no longer part of my life. It was just painful that after all this time she was still in control of my mind... and not only that. My heart was still hers too.

Only my cock was still making its own decisions, so I turned my head slightly to the side to stare directly at a blonde woman's back.

I remembered the sex, but I didn't care at all. I didn't care about her at all. Just one of many, nothing special. I didn't even know her name anymore.

"You?!" I then tried to wake her up and shook her shoulder, causing her to turn her face towards me, yawning.

Fuck! How much had I drunk?!

It sent a shiver down my spine to see how much makeup was on her face. In addition, everything was smeared and she just looked exhausted. But since Keeva was gone, no other woman could please me anyway. There were far too many flaws on each one, as if I were specifically looking for them to make everything bad. But it was really easy.

Keeva was perfect, everyone else just good enough to sexually satisfy me...

If any! Some of them I couldn't even get up, the little gypsy was still poisoning every fiber of my mind...

"Good morning," the blonde breathed and wanted to snuggle up to me, but I pulled away from her immediately and got up hastily to get dressed again as quickly as possible.

"You know where the door is," I said coolly and literally heard how irritated she was suddenly

"Are you kidding me?!" she hissed behind me and then started a loud monologue. I stopped listening to her cursing. I calmly put on my shoes, turned to her again and nodded politely.

"Was nice."

I said no more and Blondie got up in a rage, slapped me and picked up her clothes off the floor to leave my bedroom faster than she had come to fuck me.

At least she wasn't a limpet...

I waited impatiently for a few more moments to make sure she was gone before I left my bedroom to go to the living room.

Isabelle was already making breakfast for Odran and I was amazed at the perseverance and patience she showed, because Odran hadn't eaten a bite of what she was preparing for the past few months. He hardly ever ate anyway and when he did, he cooked for himself because Keeva had left him some recipes.

"Good morning, Rian," she greeted me with a smile and I just nodded to her, before dedicating myself to my laptop at the table.

The last few weeks have been really exhausting. One event followed the next, which was good for me. With all the stress I hardly had time to think and since my thoughts were only about one thing anyway, I could really use any distraction.

"Morning," yawned Odran, who just came down and buttoned his shirt. I ignored him. Didn't talk much to my brothers anyway. The entire balance was upset and everything just annoyed me here.

"Good morning," Isabell grinned at him, but Odran walked straight to the front door without even looking at the breakfast. The door slammed loudly and I tried to distract myself with my work.

Several hours passed during which I felt like I was just staring at the screen in a daze, forcing my mind not to drift, until at some point Senan came into the living room together with Nero.

My gaze crossed his and he looked like shit too. The circles under his eyes couldn't be overlooked and the hole he had crawled out of slowly but surely sucked him back in.

At least he always took something to eat from Isabelle out of politeness, so that she didn't spend hours in the kitchen for nothing.

"Some people are coming to party tonight," he turned to me, and I just nodded again. He should party as much as he wanted. I spent my evenings alone on the beach anyway. So, I didn't give a shit.

"Clean up afterwards," I ordered indifferently and then closed the laptop to make my way to my father. There were still a few things to be done and outside in the fresh air I finally got around to breathing deeply and freely again.

Back in my BMW, I glanced at the passenger seat, where the divorce papers were still lying. To this day I hadn't found the courage to submit it and I certainly wouldn't have the heart to do it again that day. It was all I had left of her aside from the silent phone calls and the creepy teddy bear that had found its home in the corner of my room.

"You have to let go"... that's what my father kept saying when he asked if I'd turned in the papers, but I wasn't ready yet.

Outwardly, I played my role perfectly. Was the cold person that everyone was used to. I was a little boy inside, falling screaming out of the clouds like rain...

As soon as I got to Cathan's, I saw Odran standing in front of the door and puffing on a cigarette. He had never smoked, but he said it would calm him down, so I didn't say anything more about it.

"You have an appointment later," he explained to me as I walked past him and once again I just nodded and entered my father's mansion to go straight to his office.

"Rian," he smiled, and he too had changed since Keeva left. With him it seemed to me that he suspected I might explode at any moment because he was very careful about what he said and how he said it lately.

"I have an appointment?" I asked looking out the window and he handed me some papers.

"A meeting with some of the city council," he explained, standing up to face me. "You really should sleep more."

When I looked at him, he looked at me pitifully, but quickly turned away from me. "And it would be an advantage if you had a female companion," he added quietly and I immediately shook my head.

"No way," I replied and was about to leave his dark office again when he raised his voice behind me.

"I know how hard it is to lose your wife, but there are enough others."

I could feel all the anger and hate rushing from my deepest consciousness into my mind and turned angrily on him.

"If so, why don't you have a new wife?!" I growled and he swallowed hard as he settled into his chair.

He didn't say anything, just looked at me and I had nothing more to say to him either, so I left the villa, walked past Odran in silence and got back into my BMW to drive around absent-mindedly until my appointments...