Chapter 52

ZAVIER [Zero]

Night fell and Lani made dinner which we ate in comfortable silence. Afterwards, we said the night prayers and got into bed.

She'd given me a scare today when I searched for her but couldn't find her. I thought she's been taken from me. I couldn't stop thinking about my Pops, the way they took him from me.

This night, I have her in my arms and her head resting on my chest. I ache.

I held the straps of her nightie and pulled it down slightly, baring a white creamy breast with rosy puckered n'pple.

I caressed it and she shivered, and when I twerked the nub, she shrilled a little.

Dying to suckle her in my mouth, I pulled her up and found her n'pple with my lips. I drew from her in hard tugs.

"Zavier...!" She yelped, and pushed at my head.

I pulled back and my brows kneaded in confusion. "Are you alright, doll?"

She coloured guiltily. "It hurts....it's very sensitive."

Concern filled me and I arranged her clothes back again.

"Don't worry much. I think it's the f-flu I'm treating. I'll be fine in no time." She reassured softly.

I relaxed again at her reassurance and inwardly implored myself to be fvcking patient. Patience has never been a damn suit of mine, but with her, I try to be.

Her head laid on my chest again, her soft mass surrounding me. And I ache.

Ache to be inside her again. I ache to have her under me and take her over and over again. It's been weeks, and damn if shit doesn't feel like years.

But I didn't say a thing about it or make demands or try to seduce her. Maybe because I know for certainty that if I asked, she'll give herself to me again and let me have her.

I might not have understood most things about her home; the convent and the Sisters, but I did understand the important things. Like knowing that I can have her completely and make love to her all the damn time in anyway I want...when we're married.

Then, she'll feel no guilt and sadness. Im determined to wait until after marriage. I've read a lot about honeymoons too.

"What're you thinking about so hard?" She whispered with her head resting on my chest.

"I want to bury myself deep inside of you." I told her bluntly.

She stilled. Her head raised and she looked me in the eyes. Her blue eyes held all the kindness and love in the whole damn world, I still feel lucky for having her.

I don't deserve her but damn if I'm ever gonna let her go.

"Zavier..." She leaned closer and her lips brushed mine. "I want you too...."

My c0ck hardened and lengthened. Fvck.

I ignored the damn thing. "I told you what I'm thinking about because you asked, not because I wanna do anything about it, doll. You needn't worry."

"I'm not worried...."

"Good, because we're gonna have a good honeymoon, doll."

Her eyes widened and her cheeks flushed red. She buried her face in my neck. "You want us to have a honeymoon night?"

I chuckled at the shriek her voice became. "We're gonna have the best kind of it. You know I've always wanted to eat you out and devour you with my mouth. I'll finally have that, on that night too." I deadpanned.

The revelation only made her cheeks heat worse. She just left her face buried on my neck, saying nothing.

With her soft body right on top of me that way, I tried to keep my damn controls at the same time, I thought of all the dirty dirty things I plan to do to that body.

The list is so damn long it'll take forever to check out. Thank fuck, I've get forever with her when we tie the damn knot.

"Zavier?" She whispered against my neck.

"Mmh?"

"I l-look forward to that night too. Our honeymoon." She murmured shyly.

Fvck! She knows just the right things to say.

I craned my neck and my eyes found her sexy ear. I took it between my lips, nibbling softly. A shiver run through her little body and it went straight to my c0ck.

I need a fvcking distraction, I thought inwardly. I---

"Zavier?" She whispered again.

"Mmh?"

"What do you think of a child?"

I blinked twice at the unexpected question. "I don't think of one." I replied truthfully.

She went silence for a little while. "Don't you like a child?"

"I'll like to avoid the little humans if I can, doll. They confuse the hell out of me, I try my best to stay away from them. We don't get along well, them and I."

She still kept her face buried on my neck. "So, you don't want children?" She asked softly.

The thought hasn't occurred to me before. Me? Having children? "No, doll, I don't think I do."

She finally raised her head and I got a good look to her face. She looked so sad and pained, it was like a sucker-punch to my gut.

Mentally, I rehearsed our conversation and wondered what could have put that look on her face. I couldn't come up with a thing.

"Don't you w-want us to have children, honey?" She looked hopeful.

Our own children. I thought about it and I imagined seeing a part of me and Lani inform of a child. The feeling that coursed through me was....unsettling.

I imagined a little girl with eyes like hers and so very beautiful, and I felt a heavy sense of longing swarm me.

Then, I imagined a little boy and dread filled me. I can only see myself when I was just a boy.

"I don't think I do, doll." I groaned truthfully at last.

Her face crumbled and she laid her head back on my chest. "I...see." She whispered dejectedly.

I don't like what she's seeing. "I'm never known kids, Lani. I avoid them most of the times. The only child I know really well was myself when I was a lad. He'll...become me because I have nothing else to teach him Just like I became Pops.... worse than Pops, he'll become like me."

"No, Zavier, don't speak like that." She admonished in that soft sweet voice that's uniquely hers alone.

"We can teach him together. You won't ever have to do it alone."

"Pops did it alone. Look what he raised." A professional killer. A perfect machine.

"The only man I see is a responsible man that cares for me so much. A man that wants to forsake the life he knows and create a new life with me. A man who protected and saved me several times. A man who walked into the gates of hell to save his best friend when he needed him. When I look at you, I see an honorable man....my saviour."

I pulled back and searched her eyes to see of she really means all these words. I saw only sincerity that warmed me to the bone.

"Also, like you said, your Pops did it for you alone. Our child will never be alone because you and I will be there for him. You, Zavier will make a very good father."

I knew that's a bald lie but I didn't call her out on it because I never knew hearing such words from a person would do a damn thing to me.

I've always known that I'm a damn killer who will rot in hell for eternity, it's a fact I know and accepted a long time ago.

I'm not so sure it's what I know these days. Because the thoughts that run in my head these days is....it's better to be in heavens with Lani...together, than to spend time apart from her being in hell and getting revenges.

I stared at her face. Fuck, I really don't know what this wide-eyed beauty did to me, but heavens knows that I don't want out of it.

But still.... Children....

I opened my mouth to say something but she placed a slender finger to my mouth, shaking her head.

"Think about it, honey. Please, just sleep on it. No one knows about children, everyone learns...that is what the doctor told me and I agree that she's right. You can just think on it, research 'children' too. Read all about it....having children."

Why would the doctor talk to her about children? I asked myself.

"Please, just think on it, mmh?" She asked hopefully.

I searched her face carefully. "You really love them....children?"

"So much. So so much. Just think about itand read all about it, please, Zavier?"

I really don't think it'll make any difference but I nodded anyway, mostly because I really hate that she's sad and stressing over this.

"Anything for you, doll." I'll read and research on it a goddamn hundred things if it'll make her happy.

Her face relaxed and she smiled warmly. "Thank you so much."

"Try to get some sleep, you look awfully tired. Remember we move so far away from here on the day after tomorrow, I want you well rested for the journey ahead." I groaned and she nodded.

She placed her head back to my chest and let out a deep breath.

Minutes dragged by and her breathing regulated indicating that she has fallen asleep. I couldn't sleep immediately because I thought about children, trying to sort through my feelings.

I think of a little girl and I only know longing, and a little bit of misgiving that I won't be a good father she deserves.

But I think of a boy and I only know dread and a solid 'No'.

This must be what the fvck it feels like to have mixed feelings.

.

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