30

Darkness surrounded me while a loud roar rang in my ears.

If there were anything darker than black, it would be this nothingness that surrounded me.

I didn't feel anything anymore. Neither pain nor happiness, neither cold nor heat... not even love or hate could be found in this hell. I didn't remember how it all felt, didn't remember the time before that darkness. As if I had always been here and would never escape again.

How long have I been here and unable to move? Maybe I was dead and that was purgatory, but then shouldn't I at least feel pain?

I tried to scream with all my might, but nothing happened and even when I wanted to move my body in panic, nothing happened. I was really scared to death. This nothingness robbed me of my sanity and left nothing of it.

Hours, days, weeks, years... an eternity! I didn't realize how long I had been lying here, and I didn't know if I would ever escape again.

When I wanted to give up, just wanted to be devoured, I suddenly heard my name.

The voice sounded far away, too far to ever reach her. I wanted to answer her, but still wasn't able to. Only when the voice came closer and closer did the darkness decrease and I recognized the cloudy sky above me and branches that were being swept back and forth in the wind.

"Chiaraaaa," the voice screamed again, and the sound of that female voice was not only audible, but I felt it deep in my heart, which made me curious but also scared.

With the fear, all other feelings came back into my subconscious. I felt happiness, hate, love, pain, hope and all at once, which made me startle and overwhelmed. I remembered my mother, my grandmother and suddenly also Chace, Rudi and the fever.

I sat up exhausted and looked around, startled. Why was I in the middle of this spooky forest? Shouldn't I lie in my bed and cure the fever?

I got up and suddenly realized that I was wearing the exact same white dress I had been wearing in the countless dreams that kept making my sleep miserable. I spun around in a panic and saw nothing but trees and bushes, so I leaned my back against a tree and closed my eyes.

I tried to tell myself it was just a dream and I just had to wait to wake up. If it were reality, I would certainly be freezing in this gloomy forest with this thin dress, so it could only be a dream.

I opened my eyes to look around again and suddenly I saw a shocked she-wolf standing just a few meters in front of me on the forest floor and staring at me with her dark blue eyes. They were the same color as my eyes and that's what made me tremble.

I studied her light brown fur while my heart beat so fast and loud that I could hear the rhythm as an echo between the trees.

The wolf would not take her eyes off me, pacing back and forth in front of me as if she was going to attack me with a single movement, causing my legs to buckle in fear and me to collapse in front of her.

I knelt in front of her and prayed to wake up as the first tears trickled down my cheeks, causing the wolf to get closer to me.

A few centimeters separated my face from hers and that's when I suddenly began to understand.

Allow it, Chace had said, and though they were just words said, they had such great meaning.

I got up, standing helplessly on my feet and looked the wolf straight in the eyes.

She's a part of me. I am part of her. And only together can we make it out of here.

I carefully stretched out my hand to her, whereupon she backed away briefly, only to sniff my hand after all.

I was startled when she suddenly howled loudly and when her howling grew louder and my head threatened to burst, I put my hands over my ears to protect myself and screamed as loud as I could, whereupon everything around me disappeared again and I was back in infinity darkness lay.

"Chiara? Chiara?" I heard a voice again, but this time I recognized it. It was my grandma whose hand I felt on mine that made me open my eyes and look straight into her tearful, smiling face. "Oh god Chiara!" She hugged me tightly and I closed my eyes just to feel her comfort.

She broke away from me, wiped the tears from her face and smiled into my eyes. "I'm so happy and grateful that you're doing well," she breathed and then stood up. "I'll get you something to drink and eat. Rest."

"Lili? How long was I asleep?" I asked her, sitting up to put my feet on the soft carpet. "16 hours," she answered me and then left my room. I stared at the door for a moment and then turned my gaze to the window where night had fallen. The darkness brought back the memories of my dream and, startled, I got up and dragged myself into the hallway, then carefully walked down the stairs. I didn't want to be alone because I felt as if I couldn't breathe under this loneliness. Something had changed and seemed to make me unhappy, even though I was so glad to be back.

"What are you doing? You're supposed to rest," my grandma grumbled as she came into the hallway with a glass of water and helped me by the arm to get over to the couch. I dropped onto the cushion and gratefully accepted the glass of water, which I then drank in one gulp.

After I put the glass on the table, I noticed that my grandma was looking at me curiously, which made me frown in question. "What is it?" I asked her, reaching for the woolen blanket to wrap around me, even though I wasn't cold at all. "How are you feeling?" she simply asked a counter question and sat down next to me to take my hand in hers.

"I'm a bit exhausted, but otherwise fine." She looked at me as if she were waiting for something, but then she looked away, pulled her hand away from me and stood up. "I'll cook you a delicious soup and you stay here," she ordered and then quickly made her way to the kitchen.

I sat and stared outside and although I didn't have a fever and should be fine, inside I wasn't feeling well at all. I couldn't describe the pain I was feeling and just wanted to get rid of it.

I remained rigid for so long that I only took my eyes off the window when I heard my grandmother's voice. "You eat and I'll explain a few things to you now." She put the plate of soup on the table in front of me and left the living room again, only to come back with a glass of vodka.

"So," she began, pointing to the soup to invite me to eat while taking a sip from her glass. "I've been a wolf for as long as I can remember, so I don't know much about the transformation or its consequences. But what I can tell you is that you decide whether you continue to allow it or not."

She took a deep breath and watched me hungrily take one spoonful at a time, listening intently to her. "As long as you transform, you will age more slowly and illnesses will spare you, but if you choose not to transform anymore, the natural course of events will catch up with you and your normal, human life will go on."

I swallowed the warm, comforting soup and thought about Lou, who had decided against being a wolf from the start. She didn't want that, although everyone would certainly be happy to be spared from illness and delay death.

"And one more thing," she pulled me out of my thoughts again and demanded my attention. "You'll feel better after your first transformation. I know the pain you feel. I've felt it since you woke up. You feel lonely because your heart is screaming for your pack."

Shocked, I dropped the spoon and looked at her in panic. "What are you talking about? I don't want to be part of this pack!" I stuttered, then got up to walk to the window. "Chiara, please. It will eat you up, from the inside out. You've already been tagged and that by an alpha. He's calling you, you need each other and you'll never be happy again without him."

She stood up cautiously and approached me. "I didn't want it to come to this, but you have a chance to have a wonderful life with your soulmate. I only want what's best for you."

I looked over at her and laughed in horror at her words. "You think he could make me happy? You're not serious, are you?" She nodded in agreement, which made me so angry that I turned and left the room. I ran up the stairs to my room and changed into warm clothes before hurrying down to the front door.

"Chiara, please wait." "No! What have you done to me! Why did you bring me here!?" I yelled at her, whereupon some things became clear to me when she looked at me.

"You wanted that from the start. You wanted him to mark me and I to transform! That's why you invited him that one evening. You wanted that, because of grandpa. You wanted the alpha to be stronger and braver to get into to go to war." She was crying into her hands and I was unable to reach out to her. As much as her whimpers hurt me, I had to go to clear my head and think about some things.