Crazy insecurities

Lindsay;

When I got back to my car, I broke down into tears. I couldn't bear the pain in my chest anymore. I hit my hand hard on the steering wheel in anger. I didn't care if I ruined it. I hated Asher too much and I didn't care if I got rid of his favorite car.

After crying my eyes out, I started the car and drove off. I remembered I had promised Shaun I was going to show up at his house. At least something good could happen to me that day.

I drove back to the house. My bad bitch era was over. I had to put on some makeup before going to Shaun's house. Tons of foundation to cover up the disaster on my face. I couldn't show up in Shaun's house like I fought in world war 3.

I didn't take my dress off. The only thing I did was put makeup on. I didn't bother doing anything to my hair because it was already spruced up.

After making sure I had covered all the scars on my face, I left the house. But this time I didn't take Asher's car. There was no need for that.

*****

I had never been nervous to meet Shaun before, but this time was different. My hands shook as I knocked on the door. Maybe it had to do with the lingering fear in my heart of how mad Asher would be at me when he finally got back from work.

The door opened and I expected it to be Shaun but my heart sank when I saw a lady instead. Her eyebrows knitted in confusion when she saw me. I on the other hand was confused. Her beauty intimidated me, ranging from her perfect black silky hair, down to her goddess body. She was so pretty that it made me uncomfortable.

Multiple thoughts kept going through my head like; 'what was she doing here? Why was she the one answering the door for Shaun? Was Shaun cheating on me? What if she was his girlfriend?

I swallowed hard. Even without waiting for confirmation from Shaun, I already felt an ache in my heart.

“How may I help you?" she asked, scanning me from up to down.

I lost my voice, but I still managed to speak. “I'm here to see Shaun" I mumbled, resisting the urge to cry. It had to do with my insecurity issues. There was a chance he didn't have anything to do with her, but I was still felt jealous.

“Shaun!“ She yelled from where she was. I felt uncomfortable and didn't know how to act. “Shaun!" she yelled even louder this time.

I couldn't take it anymore. I kept getting images of Shaun coming to where we were and kissing the woman in front of me and turning to look at me like a stranger. To think about it, we were nothing but fuck-mates. I even told him to his face once.

“You know what, nevermind," I spat out and before she could even say a word, I had already left. Hot tears went down my cheeks as I walked as fast as I could. I was being paranoid at that moment. I didn't even ask Shaun who the woman was. I just concluded she was his girlfriend.

What if she was his fiance? Probably she traveled out of the country and Shaun just wanted to satisfy manly needs. What if he saw me as a whore? A sex machine that he could use to satisfy himself whenever he felt the need to. I fit the description. After all, I was being paid to have sex with him.

Stop it, Lindsay! I shunned the intrusive thoughts that kept pumping into my brain. I wasn't even sure if any of my assumptions were true. I just kept speculating.

That still didn't stop the tears from coming down. I wanted to stop, but I couldn't.

I got home that day and flung my bag angrily onto the couch. Asher wasn't back from work, so I had a few hours to myself to probably cry my eyes out. I got to my room and began to wipe the makeup I had on my face off. I hurled my heels aside and also took off my black dress.

Naked, I lay on my bed with my mascara-filled eyes fixated on the ceiling. I felt useless and empty. It was then I realized the only source of happiness in my life was Shaun, well Leia too. If Shaun was truly seeing another woman, then my life was over.

I thought of finding another source of happiness which was going to the club and waiting for a gentleman to sweep me off my feet just like Shaun did. But I couldn't bring myself to cheat on Shaun. That was crazy because I was married and I was cheating on both my husband and Shaun.

My phone began to ring at my side, distracting me from my thoughts. My eyebrows furrowed when I saw it was Shaun. I didn't pick up the call. I lay back on my bed and kept my eyes on the ceiling as I waited for the phone call to end.

He repeatedly called me and when it was exactly the 5th time, I sighed and decided to answer the call. At least to give him a piece of my mind.

“Lindsay"

I heard his voice and it added to my anger. “You know what? now I know all men are the same. To think you even said you loved me. How long have you been with her? Is she the love of your life? Are you going to find a way to get rid of me now she's finally back?" I knew I was saying rubbish, but that was due to the anger I felt.

“Lindsay" he called out, but I didn't let him speak.

“No, you don't have to explain yourself, Shaun. I saw the way she carried herself like she owned the house. It's funny how you said you loved me, Shaun. Turns out it was all a lie. All men are liars. Every single one of them!“ I yelled out in anger and I eventually stopped talking because I had nothing else to say.

There was silence for some time, but Shaun finally spoke.“Lindsay" he called out softly. “The lady you saw at my place is my sister" he added.

I felt stupid instantly.