Chapter 15 H I R A E T H

H I R A E T H

(Welsh) (n.) a homesickness for a home you can't return to, or that never was; an earnest longing or desire; a sense of regret.

[Time Leap]

"You sure you're okay to drive?" Taeyong asked warily as soon as Jaehyun slipped inside the car.

Jaehyun was at Taeyong's home together with their small circle of friends, celebrating the latter's 29th birthday. They had spent the whole night drinking and talking, most of which revolving on what they had achieved through the years.

Due to their busy schedules, it had been quite long since they had gathered completely. It was no longer a surprise that they ended up finishing a rack of beer.

The hand of the clock was nearing 3:00 AM when Jaehyun finally decided to go home.

"Yeah," Jaehyun answered, cozying up on car seat.

"Dude, why don't you spend the night here?" Johnny suggested, while the others stood by the front gate. "It's already dawn, anyway."

Although hearing a couple of them agreeing to Johnny's suggestion, Jaehyun only shook his head and strapped on his seatbelt. "Nah, I'll pass. I want to the spend the rest of the night at home."

Honking his car before he began his ride home, Jaehyun did not miss the worry on his friends faces through the mirror. Sighing, he squeezed his eyes shut for a mere second before focusing entirely on the road.

"Home," he muttered to himself as a bitter smile painted her lips.

After an hour and a half of travel, he eventually reached his house. While he was turning off the car engine, Jaehyun abruptly rummaged the pocket of his suit. Hearing his phone rang, he fished it out only to be disappointed seeing the caller's name flashing on his screen.

"What's up?

"Yo dude, are you home?"

"Yeah, I just arrived," he sighed, blinking away the sleepiness seeping into his bones. "What's the matter?"

"Nothing, we just want to know if you've arrived safely."

"Yeah, whatever. I'm hanging up-"

"Wait!" Just as he was about to end the call, Taeyong suddenly screamed from the background. His brows furrowing with the sudden noise. "Can we come over to your place?"

"Right now? What for?" he asked, confused.

"Well, aren't you lo-"

"I'm not," Jaehyun immediately cut him off, anger oozing from his tone.

There were a couple of whispers from the other end, but he instantly silenced them. He did not want to hear the usual lines they threw at him. "Just shut up, I'm not lonely. I said I'm fucking fine."

Throwing his phone harshly with a loud thud, Jaehyun leaned his head against the headrest and closed his eyes. His mind whirled restlessly to the words they were yet to utter, and he found himself tightly clenching his jaw.

His knuckles turning white as he curled his hands into fists, and his lower plump lip getting sore with how he chomped on it with his teeth.

"I'm fine."

"I'm fine."

"I'm fine."

Jaehyun kept telling himself, trying to shift his mind somewhere else, knowing he was not really fine like how he claimed to be.

Pushing down every single feeling and memory back to where they belonged as he thought, Jaehyun slowly opened his eyes only to blink rapidly, seeing a brightly illuminated house before him. It looked familiar, just exactly like how it was five years ago.

It was almost as if the same home he had built with her.

Impossible.

He could not help but be suspicious. But with the memorable clanking of utensils that echoed somewhere from the kitchen, he knew he was not dreaming.

A surge of hope and delight quickly washed over him. His heart thumped irrationally fast, and cold sweat swamped his body, seemingly stupefied with all the imaginations playing in his head.

In that instant, Jaehyun wanted to jump out from his car and run towards the home he had missing.

And without second thoughts, that was what he did.

Slipping in the key with shaking hands, Jaehyun frantically ran inside the house that he almost looked like a thief in the night.

"Eunae?" He eagerly called out, his eyes desperately scanning the living room only to find it empty. "Where are you?"

"Eunae?" He called out again, this time, sauntering to the dining area only to find no one. "Are you here, sunshine? Eunae, where are you?"

Suddenly, he all but ran to the kitchen-his last hope.

It was Eunae's kingdom-it was her sanctuary. She had always busied herself in that house division, preparing and cooking meals he had never touched. It was her favorite place before Daeun came.

"Eunae?"

"Eunae!"

"Eunae!" Jaehyun dreadfully yelled, one after the other. His voice echoing through the halls, to every room, every corner, every space went to.

Disappointment and desolation swamped him off his feet upon seeing nothing and no one in the kitchen. It was the same as how he left it years back.

How she left it years back.

Jaehyun was terribly sweating and shaking as he tried to think where she could possibly be. He was sure she was here.

The house was all illuminated even from the outside, and the previous clanking of the utensils even reached his ears. And all these only happened when she was here. When she was home.

Furiously raking his fingers through his hair, he instantly stopped pacing as the shared bedroom flashed in his mind.

Of course, she could be there. She should be there.

Hastily turning around to the stairs near the living room, Jaehyun found himself slowly stopping on his tracks. Swiftly running his eyes around, cold sweat immediately ran down his spine and the restless shaking of his body ultimately stopped.

Suddenly, all the warmness wrapping his body vanished and the harsh coldness engulfed him whole. In that moment, Jaehyun felt numb. A lump formed in his throat and his stomach sourly churned that his eyes eventually felt warm and soon after began watering.

A crippling pain struck his body as the once brightly illuminated home he saw had now been nothing but a pitch-black empty house. It was just exactly like how he had always left it.

Confusion seeped into his bones and his eyes frantically scanned the spacious area hoping a blink of an eye could bring back what he previously saw. But instead, the jarring realization swamped him hard.

"Fuck," Jaehyun mumbled breathlessly.

There he was, standing in the middle of the living room with nothing, not even a single light to irradiate his house. He was standing in the middle of the darkness, right in the middle of an empty hallway, and he scoffed as to how it seemingly mirrored his life.

Breathing deeply, Jaehyun squeezed his eyes shut, wishing that it were all but a dream. That when he opened his eyes, a bright lightened noisy house and a familiar warm hug would welcome him.

But to his dismay, only a bitter laugh came out from his lips upon being welcomed by the darkness once again.

Suddenly, his strength left him and Jaehyun found himself slumped on the floor. His loud breathing echoed through the lonely halls before his painful weeping eventually followed suit.

Tucking his head down, he covered his face with his hands as his incessant wailing began.

Right at that moment, Jaehyun felt his heart finally cracking into a million pieces, once again.

Years had already passed, yet here he was, still stuck in the bitter world-in the haunting time frame and in the aching past that could have been his sweet present and fulfilling future.

It had already been five years since Eunae left, and about four years since he divorced Daeun and lost their unborn child.

A series of events had happened ever since his marriage with Eunae legally ended.

And for the foolish Jaehyun of the past, he had always thought that he was finally walking down on the path to genuine happiness just as what Eunae had told him to find.

They still had not finalized their divorce, but Jaehyun had already proposed to Daeun and it did not take long for their wedding ceremony to take place. He could care less of what people might think. Of what his parents might think.

He was too engrossed with the idea of finally doing what he had always wanted, that he never knew that the path to find his happiness would be same path he would lose it.