Chapter 17 T O S K A

T O S K A

(Russian) (n.) a state of great anguish, melancholy, sorrow, or longing beyond bearable bounds.

"How has she been, mom?"

"You mean, Eunae?" Jaehyun's mother asked as the latter arranged the utensils on the dining table. "She's been doing better than ever as far as I can remember. From the last time we met, I think she's even living her dreams now."

"That's good," he said, nodding before spitting out what he had been eagerly wanting to say. "D-did she ever ask about me?"

Freezing for a moment, his mother looked up at him confusedly, "N-no, Jaehyun," she softly answered, recovering from his seemingly odd question. "I always brought you up whenever we had the chance to talk, but it came to a time when she asked me to stop talking about you. Just like what you also asked me too. She was trying to heal herself, and I was in no place to say no. She needed it, honey. She wanted to move on, and I respected that, so since then , we never really talked about you," hastily turning her attention back to what she was doing, she continued.

"What's the matter?" she queried, looking as baffled as ever as he only bobbed his head. "What's gotten into you that you're suddenly asking this?"

For a brief instance, silence hung in the air.

It was thick and somehow suffocating. The silence was too deafening that the harsh coldness wrapped him whole.

Jaehyun swallowed the lump from his throat and eventually confessed, "I-I want to get her back, Mom."

A drinking glass immediately turned into glass shards as it slipped from his mother's hands and hit the floor with a loud crashing sound.

"Jaehyun-"

"I know, I messed up-I've messed up all these years," he cut her off softly. "I fucked up. I know I fuck up all the time," he truthfully admitted, casting his eyes down on the pieces of glass shards on the floor like a classic resemblance of his life. But I want her back, I need to get her back," he said, leaning against the wooden door frame and shooting his gaze up to the ceiling.

He tucked his hands in his pockets as he breathed a sigh.

"It's just, one day, I woke up and finally realized that my life was nothing without her, I was nothing without her. I needed her; I need her by my side. I-I love Eunae," he trailed off. The column of his throat seemingly squeezing tight that puffing for air was close to impossible. "I love her more than I could have ever imagined, and I was just too foolish not to believe it earlier on. I love her more than anything else in this world, and I know I can't live without her anymore."

Squeezing his eyes shut for a moment, Jaehyun tried to piece together all his plans, all his thoughts-everything his heart had been screaming at him to do ever since the truth he had been trying to bury six feet under crawled up to his body and made its way to his broken heart as if to stitch it back in two.

"And I'm planning to tell her everything once she arrives. I'll ask for forgiveness, and confess to her everything-"

"I-I don't think it's the right time to do that, sweetheart," his mother cut him off, a bit hesitant. "You see, things have already changed and-"

"I know," he softly concurred, opening his sweating eyes and abruptly pursing his quivering lips as he gazed at his mother with a tight smile. "I know what I'm clearly signing up for. I just don't want to let this chance to slip away, again. I'm so done being a coward, and I don't want to have any more regrets. I must try, right? I have to at least try."

It was a hand on his shoulder, a doleful pair of eyes, and a melancholy smile, that captured his attention and broke his hopes into tiny bits. "Don't," his father said. "Just don't, son."

"W-why?" Jaehyun brokenly asked with a hushed tone.

"Jaehyun, things have already changed," his mother said softly. "It's not my story to tell, but please, don't hurt yourselves anymore," she crossed the distance between them and held his hands as if begging him to not push through. "Eunae has already moved on, don't do this to her. It took her everything to be okay again and live her life to the fullest. You don't have any right to ruin it for her again. Don't do this to yourself, Jaehyun."

Confused, Jaehyun just stared at them with troubled inconsolable eyes, not really having a clue with what they meant. Nibbling his lower lip, he gazed down on the floor and swallowed hardly.

He knew his parents meant well, but he just could not imagine missing this chance again. He had already spent a handful of wasted years from locking himself up from the world and living like a dead man. It was probably the time to get out of his shell and man up.

It had been seven years since Eunae gave up on him, and about two years since he bounced back to his feet.

Five years of drowning himself in the bitter liquor, in a sea of misery, and shutting himself away from the world, Jaehyun finally decided to become the person he was before. Be the person who was not selfish and not hurtful. The person who he was before he became a vile monster. The person filled with genuine true love.

The best friend Eunae had, and the Jaehyun Eunae had love. The best version of himself yet to exist.

For the past two years, all he did was to focus on rebuilding his business. Five years of drowning himself in misery took everything he had, even the business Eunae had helped to rebuild, and it was almost losing it that snapped him out to reality.

His previously dwindling business soared greater heights after five years of helplessly near to collapsing and burning down into ashes. He had also put up several branches nationwide and had even already started conquering the ASEAN Region. Even his name had become more well-known and had been tagged as a successful businessman with immense power and following.

And he absolutely knew why.

Jaehyun was hopeful.

He was eager. He was determined to get her back. His progress was remarkably as high as above the clouds and it boiled down to one reason-to establish the idea of how she truly meant for him-how her presence lightened up his life and how her absence consumed him with darkness.

That he had now grew into a fine man with more maturity and direction in life. Someone who had his priorities set and knew what mattered the most.

Someone he knew she had always wanted him to be. Someone who was responsible enough to do what was right and own up to his mistakes.

The Jaehyun who always want to be the best of who he was and that included being courageous enough to face her.

And he had been more than ready to do so. He had been pinning this milestone in the last two years. He was betting everything he had to execute this, and now he could not believe that he was just a week away from seeing her again.

Because for the very first time in seven years, she was coming back.

Eunae was finally coming home.

And at the back of his mind, Jaehyun had always hoped that she would take him back in her arms, where he truly belongs-his home.

She had always been his home.

"I'll head upstairs."