Chapter 18 C A V O L I R I S C A L D A T I

C A V O L I R I S C A L D A T I

(Italian) (v.) the attempt to revive a long-finished love affair.

Waking up disgruntled, the noises downstairs had Jaehyun frantically move around to fix himself. There were clanking of the kitchen utensils, a few excited greetings of "hi, hello, we missed you," and a handful of sobs seemingly infiltrating the conversations they were having.

By the time he looked presentable, his palms could not stop sweating and his heart would not stop pounding irrationally fast as if any moment from then it would burst and leave his chest. With defined bags under his eyes, he eagerly took a few deep breaths and calmed himself down.

Truthfully, he had been up since 6:00 AM. Jaehyun did not know but preparing the clothes he would wear and the lines he would say turned to be one of the biggest struggles in life. That no matter how much he tried; his preparation just seemed not enough.

Last night was probably his longest battle against anxiety. The thought of having to see Eunae gave him all sorts of emotions all at once, but above all, worry just overcame everything else.

He tried to get as much sleep as he could, but the wheels in his head kept him torturously awake until the sun began peeking from the skies. The endless possibilities of what today might bring never left his mind, both hopeful and afraid of what was ahead of him.

A moment ago, courage even seemed to fly away from the cage in his chest, but Jaehyun stood his ground and held it captive. He had no intentions of setting it free for the next few hours, and maybe for the next few days to come. He needed it today more than ever, and he would make use of it as much as he could.

With sweaty hands and cold feet, he slowly walked to the garden, where the woman he had been waiting for was. A surge of a million butterflies swam in his stomach as soon as he was greeted by a familiar back.

Right there and then Jaehyun knew, that once again, he was completely mesmerized and captured by her ethereal beauty.

He could not help but smile, finding it a déjà vu of their first meeting-wherein he heedlessly walked to a garden of dandelions and found her caressing the flowers with her soft delicate hands.

He could even vividly remember how the 10-year-old Jaehyun was immensely stupefied when the beautiful streaks of the sunrise touched her beauteous face. His mouth fell wide open and his eyes shimmered seeing the little girl radiate so brightly.

Jaehyun had always been a fan of the sun. It was his favorite.

He liked the way it rose to the horizon and shone so bright for everyone. It was almost his ritual to watch it paint the skies. It was his beloved light, and he found it as the most beautiful thing to ever exist after basketball.

But on that day, the blazing sphere did not seem to be as beautiful as he always thought it was when its beauty could just not seem to compare to the breathtaking prepossessing the little girl was exuding. That was the day the heavenly body and nearly perfect sphere of hot plasma stopped becoming his light.

The day when he started to call the little girl as sunshine, who became his everyday daylight-his very own source of happiness.

"Hey," he said softly, his voice probably shaking. "How have you been?"

"Oh, hi there, Jaehyun!" Eunae quickly turned to him and greeted him with a wide smile. The way how she looked at him with those gleeful eyes almost seemed as if nothing happened between them, and it just hurt him even more. "I'm fine, doing pretty good actually! How about you?"

"I'd same the same."

Happiness and hope poked him seeing her enthralling beam once again. It had been nine long years since he had seen it and having the opportunity to witness it again before his own eyes and more so be the sole receiver of it still felt like a dream.

Jaehyun had never thought a day like this would ever come. He had never thought that she would step foot in this house and come back home after everything that had transpired in the past.

"Pink looks good on you, huh?" He complimented, not really having anything else to say aside from the hundreds of praises he had for her.

Swiftly gazing at her, Jaehyun noticed how much she had changed. Her hair was now in a light shade of pink, and it easily reminded him of the rose gold hair color she had always wanted to try when they were in high school. If they only did not have such ridiculous school rules of prohibiting dyed hair, then Eunae would have most likely came to school wearing a different color every month.

On the other hand, her body was still as defined as ever. But one thing he had noticed was as to how she looked more voluptuous now, and that just made her more dazzling than the sun in his eyes.

"It does, doesn't it?" Eunae giggled. "It took me more than a decade to finally dye my hair and I'm very satisfied with it. This isn't my first time, by the way. You should've seen me wear a neon orange while crossing the street!"

He was not able to witness how she looked like how she described herself to be, but Jaehyun still chuckled, finding her endearing, just as much as she had always been ever since the first time they met. She may have her reservations and have always been uptight when they were younger, but he had always known she was just a crackhead like he was.

"How's New York?" He asked, pursing his lips together in a soft smile. He already had lots of things to ask, yet he still wanted to come up with a few more questions just to hear her voice. It was like a music to his ears; one he had not heard for the longest time.

"New York's far better than what I've ever imagined. I've always thought it's just a cold busy street where everything is too fast paced like how I saw it on the internet, but I guess I stand corrected. It might be true that everything moves like it's on a time limit, but I never expected it to be so cozy and warm. It was good."

Jaehyun bobbed his head and stretched his lips into a wider smile, "Glad to hear you're enjoying it. I heard you're managing a school now. Is it true?"

"Yes, I am!" Eunae said ecstatically, her eyes shone as if it was the brightest star in the dark night. "After working at a day care center for quite some time, I decided to open up my own school and teach more kids. I get to hoard more children by doing it, and it was a success," Eunae slyly revealed, snorting for a bit.

"That's nice! It seems like you're really having fun, although I'm pretty much surprised you like being around with so many kids. Aren't they a little noisy?" He asked. His dimples showing and his lips stretching wide in a smile. It had been so long since he smiled like this... this genuine and carefree, and having the chance to do it once again felt incredibly satisfying.

"I'm having a lot of fun and I really love kids! They're like balls of sunshine and rainbows and unicorns! They stress me out, but they destress me, too. They tend to be noisy when huddled up all together, but I'm sure it isn't anything for you to be pissed off. You were able to handle a loud chatter box like me for a whole day in god knows how many years. Being with kids would surely be nothing compared to that," Eunae bit her lower lip and gave him a goofy smile. "How about you? How have you been doing?"

"Well," Jaehyun trailed off, not really knowing where to start. Her question seemed so sudden and caught him off guard that his mind embarrassingly jumbled. "I'm still managing the Seoul branch, but I've managed to put up other branches of the business in other parts of the country."

"Wow, who would've thought you'd really become a businessman?" Eunae teased as she quirked her brows. "I'm glad your business is going well, Jaehyun, and you seem happy too."

"I've never imagined being a businessman too. I've always thought I'll only hold ball in my whole lifetime, but life is a little unpredictable." Jaehyun shook his head, clamped his lips together, and gave her a small tight smile. "Do I seem happy? I don't really think so."

"Why? I mean, is there anything troubling you? W-wait, where's Daeun, by the way?" Eunae asked with furrowed brows. She quickly scanned the house as much as her eyes could reach, but seemingly to no avail of finding her. "I haven't seen her yet."

"You won't because she's not here. We're already divorced," Jaehyun confessed, seemingly way too abrupt that her head snapped at him with a face washed with white as if the colors on her face had drained. "About six years ago."

"I-I... how about the child? The child custody?" She asked warily, looking as if not knowing where to start. "Have you guys worked on it? You get to see your child, right?"

Jaehyun breathed heavily through his mouth before clearing his throat, "We lost it," he said softly, breathing deeply with another sigh. "Daeun had complications, and we can't save the child."

"Oh...I-I'm sorry, I-I didn't know. I'm sorry, Jaehyun that was so insensitive of me, I should-"

"It's not your fault. None of these was your fault, so don't apologize for something you aren't responsible of," he cut her off softly as he looked down. "We realized the marriage wasn't working anymore. It never really worked from the start, so we eventually decided to part ways. Maybe losing our child was the world's way of letting us realize everything we had been blinded with."

"I'm still sorry. Maybe if I asked for a divorce earlier on, then this might not have happened. There wouldn't be any complications between your relationship, and you could've spent more time with he-"

Jaehyun shook his head and gazed back at her, "As I said earlier, stop apologizing for the things you're not responsible of. You have nothing to do with this, sunshine. Daeun and I... we fucked up on our own, and it's only us to be blamed for this. If anything, we should've been the one apologizing to you and asking for forgiveness."

"I didn't know you were in such situation," Eunae mumbled in a hushed tone, seemingly dismissing the last few words he just said. "I'm sorry, I wasn't there for you, Jaehyun."

Jaehyun smiled gently and leaned against the porch. He tucked his hands in the pockets of his pants just as much as he tucked the pain swarming above his chest, "I'm honestly glad you weren't there at that time," from the corner of his eyes, he saw her flinched. However, he could not bring himself to look at her in the eyes, unsure if he could meet her gaze.

Sighing, he finally gazed back at her only to see the hurt in her face, which faded as soon as he saw it. It looked oddly familiar and all the pain from the past just seemed to swamp him off his feet, knowing she was trying to hide what she truly feeling.

"I didn't want you to see me at my lowest, wrecked and so lost. Because somehow, somewhere out there, someone still sees me as the Jaehyun before. The one who wasn't a fucked up, and that made me continue in going, in living," he stopped and looked at her, "And that's you."

An awkward pause fell before comfort eventually came, hugging them with warmth and tranquility brought by his raw honesty.

And maybe for the very first in nine years, the silence became soothing just like how it used to-just like the days before life chose to play with their lives.

As Jaehyun gazed at her for the longest he ever could, he caught his breath in surprise seeing the soothing smile he had been waiting for to see all those years. The smile of consolation. His solace-his home.

"Oh, there you are! We've been turning the house upside down to find you," Eunha complained, catching her breath as sweat trickled down her face. "It's time to eat, sweethearts, get your asses in their or I'll have my ass whopped."

Nodding, Eunae and Jaehyun sauntered inside the house, chuckling how his mother had been howling with the food turning cold. Before he could even take another step, he stopped on his tracks and softly held Eunha's wrist, making the latter halt and turn her head at him.

"It's nice to see you again, Mrs. Kim," he uttered very softly and calculating.

Shock immediately wreathed his face as she pulled him in a hug, "It's mom for you Jaehyun," she whispered, caressing his back.

Biting his tears, he pursed his lips as she smiled at him and caressed his cheek, "Always will be. I'll always be your second mom and you'll always be my son, okay?" She said, encasing him again in a tight familiar hug before they went inside the house.

"How about you, Eunae? Red wine or Vodka?" His mother teasingly asked. He just shook his head, knowing fully well that Eunae never liked alcoholic beverages.

"Water for me, mom," she giggled just as much his mother did.

For an hour or two, they just talked about how their lives have changed and how everything seemed to come into place. Jaehyun was more than thankful to have this chance-a second chance to be with the people who was deeply engraved in his soul. The people he loved the most. The very few people his heart had always yearned for.

"I just have to get something, I'll be back," Eunha said, striding outside the house hastily, leaving Jaehyun and Eunae dumbfounded, while his parents continued to chuckle as they shook their heads.

"The dishes are on us," his mother chirped, her hands shooing them away. "Go on and do some catching up with your lives."

Shaking their heads, Eunae and Jaehyun found themselves sitting on the bench she loved the most. This had always been her favorite spot in the garden ever since they were young.

"How's lunch?"

"It was so delicious! I've missed mom's cooking so much," she said, throwing him a grin. "I've never eaten like that before; I might have gained 2 pounds from that single meal."

Jaehyun laughed and tilted his head to meet her eyes, "Oh really? Come on, sunshine, you don't have to lie. You can even finish three cups of rice by just munching on a mere seaweed. I doubt what you ate a while ago was the most you ever did."

"That's not true! You're lying! I don't eat that much!"

He laughed even more when she glared at him and playfully slapped his arm. "Don't you remember how you'll always beg me to give you half of my rice every lunch, even though mom had already packed three cups for you? Come on, don't tell me you don't!"

"Shut up, Jaehyun! It wasn't three! It was just two! Just two cups!" She shrieked, slapping his arms, and stomping her feet like an impatient child. "It's just two cups and a half!"

"See? Now you remember!" He teased even more, laughing harder when she took a hold of his cheeks and pinched them hard.

"Meanie!" She complained, scrunching her nose, and pouting her lips.

Just then, Jaehyun abruptly placed his hands on hers just as she was about to pull them away.

"I missed you," his eyes shimmering with yearning. "I've missed you so much, sunshine," he said softly, just above a whisper and enough for her to hear. Closing his eyes,he leaned his face deeper to her palms and basked in the warmth of her presence, savoring the words he pined for to hear.

"I've missed you too, Jaehyun. You know how much I do."

"I'm sorry-" he struggled to say. "I'm so sorry for everything I've done to you-to us in the past," he looked at her as he poured his heart out, "I was a monster who continuedly hurt you for two whole years. I was a devil for making you go through so much pain you never deserved. I'm sorry for breaking our promises, I'm very sorry for everything. If I could just turn back time, I would. And-I wouldn't choose to hurt you. I'm so sorry."

"I wasted everything-everything I once had. I pushed you away; I made you cry; I made you doubt yourself: I made you feel less of what you are-of who you are, and I'm ashamed of everything I did to you," he said in a choked sob, his hands trembling and his shoulders shaking.

A single crystal of water fell from his eyes and that was all it took before the rest eventually followed like raindrops falling from the mourning sky.

"I'm so sorry, I fucked up-I fucked up all the fucking time, even the chances you've given me. You gave me everything I don't deserve, while I gave you nothing but sorrow. I'm-I'm so sorry, sunshine."

He looked down, biting down another wave of tears that he was coming up. Pursing his quivering lips together, he took a deep breath before staring back at her, whose eyes were drenched with tears, "I treated you like shit-like you weren't even my best friend; as if you weren't even someone I spent almost all my whole life with and I'm so fucking sick to do that, I'm so sorry."

"I know I don't deserve your forgiveness, but at least, I want you to know how sorry, how regretful and how ashamed I am for everything I've done to you."

"I've already forgiven you, Jaehyun," was all he heard in a very gentle tone of hers. "And everything you said was all I've been waiting for to eventually forget everything we've been through-the closure I've been trying to find all these years."

A shaky breath escaped his lips as her delicate fingers caressed his cheeks ever so gently, "Cut yourself some slack. We both played our parts in everything that had happened between us. Yes, you made mistakes, but so did I. You've got to stop beating yourself up for what had happened in the past."

"W-why-"

"Why did I forgive you?" She asked, tears running down her cheeks, but a sweet smile plastering on her lips. "That's the Jaehyun I know, the always curious one," she chuckled, running her thumbs to wipe away his tears.

"I forgave you because I had to move on. I wouldn't be able to move forward if I'd still bring all that baggage with me wherever I go. Flying to New York would've been useless if I'd still let the past rule over my life. I would be going nowhere if I did that," she shrugged. "So, I had to forgive you and forget you."

She chewed on her lower lip before continuing, "I honestly thought I would never get through it. It was so hard to live without you. I've lived my whole life with you, and it was so disorienting to wake up not seeing you around," she confessed, slightly shuffling from the bench.

"But somehow, I did. Eventually, I got to love the gaps you had left behind. I realized I can honestly stand on my two feet even though they were wobbly, and that although my heart was shattered, I'd eventually put them back altogether. It was a long shot, but it was worth it."

"I was able to start anew and it made me feel a whole lot better," she added when he did not speak "And you've got to do that, too, Jaehyun. You must move on. Stop crying over and being stuck with the past; you're wasting a lot of time. There's a whole bunch of things life has to offer; you just have to look around."

"I-I can't," his voice raw as he smiled bitterly, "For you to move on, you forgave me. But for me to move forward, I have to forgive myself, and I couldn't bring myself to do that. I can't forgive myself when everything I did was all inexcusable, sunshine. At first, I thought if I suffered all the consequences of my actions it would've been enough to forgive myself, but they weren't," his voice cracked, and he started to sob again.

"Every time I feel the pain, I'd always remember your face. How you suffered in my hands and I always find myself knowing that the pain I'm going through was nowhere near to what you had went through. I couldn't move forward because it felt unfair-the agony I had to through was not even the slightest bit near to what you had to experience alone-and it was unfair."

"Jaehyun, nothing is fair in pain," she stated wisely, giving him a smile. "We do get hurt, all of us do. But we couldn't compare what I had to take to what you had to take as if we're trying to outdo each other on who's pain was not enough."

She raked her fingers through his hair soothingly and sighed, "Pain is pain, no matter how you see it-no matter what angle you'll look at it. I don't need to compare my pain to yours because they're both the same-they're both pain-and in the end we both suffered-we both lost."

"Eunae-"

"Sometimes, there are lessons needed to be learned the hard way, and I guess that's just how life works," she said, her heart in her throat. "You've got to let go, Jaehyun-you've got to move on. There's more to life than all of this, and you've got to see that. I hope you see that too."

"Give it a try, it will be worth it." She assured him, encasing him in a hug.

As the two of them wallow in the agony of their past and hope for their future, Eunae and Jaehyun relished the feeling of being able to deal with their haunting emotional tortures. They basked in the warmness as love that wrapped them in soothing comfort.

And for Jaehyun, it was almost as if he was alive once again. The heavy burden on his back had been lifted and the dark prisons of his heart were nowhere to be found.

Finally, he managed to do what he should had done years back-to owe up to his mistakes and ask for forgiveness; to not cower in fear and shame, and let remorse push him to do what was right; to say the truth and face all the consequences head on; to free himself from the bounds of darkness that kept him hollow.

Everything was coming altogether and there was only one thing left to tick out from his list.

Pulling away from the hug, he looked at her ever so gently before slowly going down on one knee, capturing her hands in his.

"This is too selfish of me to ask, but will you give me another chance?" He asked ever so gently, his face anxious and almost hopeful. His hopes soaring high like a kite in the sky, but rejection holding onto its string. "I-I promise I would make up to everything I've did. I have no intentions of hurting you, and I would do anything to be worthy to stay by your side again, Eunae."

As her mouth hung open, a tear or two fell from his eyes.

A twinge of fear tightened in his stomach, seeing her eyes shimmered and then faltered ever so quickly. Rejection seemed to pull back the strings of his hopes, seeing her choking back her sobs and slamming her hands to cover her mouth.

"Of course, Jaehyun," she sobbed, reaching for his hand that took his breath away.

"Eunae-"

And then suddenly, everything turned bleak when an unfamiliar name echoed in his home.

"Mark, stop running! I told you, no running once we arrive."