Chapter 20 S A U D A D E 2

"It's time to say goodbye now. We have to go, sweetie," Eunae called out gently.

"I don't want to go yet. I still want to play with Uncle Jae."

Jaehyun looked at Eunae, who breathed a sigh, crouching down and settling her delicate hands on Mark's cheeks. "But it's time to go home, sweetie. It's already late."

But the little boy only shook his head, determined not to go home.

"Buddy, mommy has to rest, your fellow rainbows have already worn her out too much," Sehun added.

"But I still want to play," the little boy dolefully muttered, fidgeting the hem of his shirt.

"You can just come back and visit me again, mate," Jaehyun eventually said, kneeling before the little boy, who adored him so much even with the few hours they spent together. He ruffled his hair and a calculated smile painted his lips when the little boy spoke.

"But I don't know when," Mark mumbled, keeping his head down. "I live a plane away from you. I don't have much money to see you again. You see, I'm not working yet, Uncle Jae. Seoul is too far, I can't walk it from New York," he said painfully.

Jaehyun let out a boisterous laugh as he playfully swept the little boy in his arms again. "But I do, mate. Uncle Jae has lots of money to meet you, so don't you worry." He assured him, handing the little boy to his father without any disagreements.

"You will?" the little boy asked, hope sparkling in his eyes.

Before ultimately vowing, Jaehyun shifted his gaze at Eunae, who just nodded at him, making him smile at his newly found happiness. "I will."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

As Sehun bobbed his head towards him and brought Mark along in the car, Jaehyun watched as Eunae walked towards him with a loving smile, which he politely and wholeheartedly returned.

"My answer to your question still stands," she said, flashing him a smile. "I'm willing to give you another chance. I'm willing to give our friendship another chance."

"Thank you for today, Jaehyun. It's been so long since we met, and I'm very grateful I saw you again."

Clamping his lips together, he sighed, "No, I should be the one to thank you, sunshine. Thank you for even thinking of coming back and letting me see you again."

Reaching her hands and eventually wrapping them with his, he said, "I want to say, I'm sorry."

"Jaehyun, it's okay. You don't have to-"

Shaking his head, he continued, "I'm not only sorry for the things I had done, but also for the things I had not done for you. For the things you could've done if it weren't for me ruining it all for you-for us."

Tears pooled in the corner of his eyes before he swallowed hardly. His vision turning blurry that he could not even have a glimpse of her. "And right now, I want you to be happy. Be happy, Eunae, please be happy."

A sob escaped her lips and it took all Jaehyun had to stop himself from hugging her. He did not want his walls to break and bring consequences he would never be able to take.

But he gasped when a pair of arms wrapped him warmly before eventually feeling the fabric above his shoulders getting wet.

"I'm already happy Jaehyun, and I will always be happy. I want you to be happy too, so please be happy. Will you please be happy, too?"

And like a dam that broke its walls, the impending tears he bit down from coming up finally flowed like droplets of rain by the windshield. Pain clenched his heart knowing fully well the answer to her question.

Nodding his head, he felt her tightened the hug before pulling away and caressing his cheeks, giving him the sweetest smile, he had ever seen.

"Find your happiness," she said, eventually retrieving her hands back and sauntering towards the car, failing to hear him say in a softest hushed tone he ever got:

"I did, I already found it long way before."

As the cars ultimately left his abode, Jaehyun stood firmly with a broken heart, gazing at the path the woman he had always loved walked on.

"It's you. It has always been you."

"Always have and always will be," he added, choking on his words. "You're my happiness, sunshine."

Looking up at the lonely dark sky, Jaehyun smiled bitterly, softly and brokenly asking, "Why did it have to be you? Why can't I be the one to make you happy?"

Striding back to the living room, Jaehyun weakly sat on the sofa, bone tired. As his mind flew to his interrupted conversation with Eunae, he absolutely knew that confessing his love for her after all the years that had passed would not mean anything to her anymore.

Or if it would, it would just ruin what they had just started.

Jaehyun knew that he met her again at the wrong time. He knew he would never have the chance to tell her how much he loved her, not as a friend nor as a best friend, but as a woman-the woman he would want to meet at the altar once again. But this time, to receive all his love, his whole being, his everything, if just given another goddamn shot for a lifetime.

Looking back, a bitter smile painted his lips as he rolled the wedding ring in his hand. The same wedding ring he gave her seven years ago and could not manage to throw away.

Jaehyun longingly caressed it with his fingers, realizing that it was not the right time to tell her everything. Because in all actuality, his right time had already passed him by.

He had years and years to ask for forgiveness and tell her what he truly felt. But he did not. Life had given him so many chances to run after her and take her back, but he chose not to.

Instead, he chose to cower in fear and shame-fear of being rejected and shame of what he had done to her in the years that they were together.

It sucked to be him.

All along, he had everything in life right under his nose, but he was a fool and a blind man to notice it.

It took him losing everything he once had before realizing that bit by bit he was throwing away everything he built for some a short-lived happiness that was part of his delusions.

All those times of spending his days with Daeun, he was blinded by the illusion that he was the woman he really loved, that she was the one for him. He really loved Daeun, he really did.

But not as much as he loved Eunae.

And he kept wondering why it took him so long to know it, to admit it, to say he loved Eunae without any reservations.

Breathing deeply and catching his breath as he found himself restlessly and painfully sobbing from thinking of the unforgotten memories and feelings, and wishful future that would never come true, pain ultimately shattered in his chest all at once, breaking every single wall remaining and guarding his heart.

Jaehyun let out a bitter, aching laugh as he remembered his parents offering him to go back and live with them.

"Come back." They said. "You have a home in us."

It was an option-that was an option he could look at.

But Jaehyun refused.

Because more than a warm house where he belonged and feel accepted, it was the time he was after.

It was the old days he wanted to find and live again. It was the past he wanted to go to and relive once again-to fix his mistakes, to do what was right, to treasure every passing time with her, to enjoy the life of being loved by her, and to hold her forever in his arms and never let her go.

But unfortunately, he could never do that. He did not have any portal for that. All he had was a house where all their memories were imprinted-where he could revisit the past once in a while.

As simply complicated as it was, Eunae was his paradox.

She was the past he had always wanted to return to, and the same past he had been meaning to undo. She was the love he always had wanted to keep, and the love he always had to let go.

"Friends," he muttered, remembering the second chance she gave him.

"Of course," he said inconsolably, slouching deeper on the sofa and tilting his head up as his painful smile stretched his lips.

Although he knew that his heart yearned for more, Jaehyun did not have a choice. He was willing to be friends with her because that was the closest thing possible to be near her again.

And no matter how much it hurts, he was willing to stand by the side, and not get on the way. He was willing to look after her from a distance even if that meant breaking his heart to see her happy.

Because was not that what love meant? Of loving and taking care of someone without expecting in return?

From the very start, Eunae had always been giving him the love he did not deserve. She had always given him love but was never loved back.

Maybe this time, it was his time to love and not be loved.

Maybe it was the irony of love after all-the paradox of his life.