Chapter 57

I drove away, not even paying attention to where I was headed, no destination in mind as house after house passed by and I wove through the streets in a daze. The image of her and Travis kissing was imprinted into my mind, making my heart ache as though someone was ripping it in half. I could feel my phone vibrating like crazy in my pocket, pulling to a stop at some traffic lights, I pulled it out. Kat's name was flashing on the screen before it faded to black, a small message remained there:

5 missed calls: Kat

Before I could move, it began again. I ignored it, switching my phone to mute and throwing it onto the passenger seat. Usually I would have headed to a bar or a club when I was stressed, but this was different. The instant that I thought about getting lost in a whiskey bottle, I remembered the baby. I couldn't do that. It would prove everything that Kat had been talking about. Kat... the woman who I love, who was kissing her ex. I clenched the steering wheel so tightly that I thought it might break. A horn sounded behind me, dragging me back to the present. I put my foot down, lurching forwards and speeding off along the road. I should have gone home, but I knew that would be the first place anyone would look. I didn't want to be found. I wanted to just get lost in a crowd, disappear from view and not have to face any of it right now. I'd never felt this type of pain before, and it was getting more and more intense as my anger began to subside.

Eventually I found myself parking near town, and after leaving my phone in the glovebox, I locked up and walked away through the busy streets. Everyone bustled along, people on their own were lost in their thoughts, whilst others in pairs or groups chatted amongst themselves as they drifted along the sidewalks. Every so often I caught snatches of conversation, but none of it meant anything to me. I walked around for about an hour, just mulling over the whole disastrous evening, before returning to my car. I slumped in the seat, one thing clear in my head. I had to face this. No matter how hurt I was, there wasn't just my feelings to take into consideration. I took a deep breath, and opened the glovebox, picking up my phone and unlocking the screen.

23 missed calls

7 Voice Messages

6 Messages

As I scrolled through the drop down lists, most were from Kat, but the last two or three calls and messages were from Rox. Clearly Kat had reached out, imagining I was with her.

I typed out a quick text to Roxy, telling her not to worry, and that I would talk to her later, then skimmed through Kat's messages, and listened to her voicemails. All of them were pretty much the same, begging me to answer the phone, to let her explain, asking where I was. She sounded on the brink of tears in a couple of the voicemails. Her voice made me ache as I recalled how we were together just a few days ago, everything was good and happy. Now the sadness I could hear made me feel like I couldn't breathe. I hit the reply button on the text messages, and typed a brief and measured reply:

I'll be home shortly, meet me there.

The drive back to my place felt shorter than it should have, given how far away I'd been. When I turned into my road, I saw Kat's car already parked in front of my house. I passed by it, pulling into my usual place and cutting the engine just as she closed her door. When I saw her face I noticed her pale skin and the redness around her eyes, she'd clearly been crying and it crushed me to see her so sad. I remembered the night that she turned up at my door and I comforted her, I wanted to again, but the vision of her lips pressed to his held me back.

"Please, Evan I-"

"Let's go inside." I said, cutting her off mid sentence.

I could tell that my interruption disheartened her, but I had no intention of discussing things on the street.

Once we were inside, I led her into the living room. She shivered slightly as she dropped down onto the sofa. It wasn't cold, and so I put it down to the stress of the night.

"I'll make us some tea." I muttered, leaving the room and going to the kitchen before she could answer.

I took the few minutes that I was in the kitchen, to prepare myself for the difficult conversation that was about to happen. I pushed away the pain and sadness that was consuming me, and painted on a mask of calm. Gathering the mugs, I made my way back into the living room and placed them on the coffee table, taking a seat in the chair opposite Kat. She instantly reached out, taking the mug and holding it close, blowing on it and taking a small sip. I watched her shaking subside a touch and some colour return to her pale complexion.

"I'm so sorry." She whispered over the top of her mug.

Her watery eyes looked up at mine, and I could see that she meant what she said, but it did nothing to curb my own emotions. I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out. She seemed to see that I was struggling, and she seized the opportunity to continue.

"It wasn't what you think. I didn't... we didn't."

I squeezed my eyes closed, trying not to even think about that, I didn't want or need that mental image in my head.

"Why?" I asked, seeing the confused look on her face before I continued. "Why did you do it, why did you kiss him?"

Sniffling slightly, she clutched her mug closer to her and shook her head rapidly.

"I don't know." She half sobbed. "I didn't plan it, I didn't even realise what I was doing at first."

I rolled my eyes, unable to stop myself, wondering just how she expected me to believe that.

"I mean it." She said firmly, "I was so upset when I left here. I went back home and just cried. I didn't know Travis would turn up, I promise. He stopped by to get my signature on some documents, and when he saw I was upset he stayed to talk to me."

"Right, talk... that's how you ended up with your tongue down his throat." I snapped.

Kat flinched at my brusque and cold manner and I shook my head slowly, irritated with myself for losing my cool.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have snapped."

"It's okay. I don't blame you." She replied. "When he left, it was just a normal goodbye. His kiss caught me off guard. I just reacted, I wasn't thinking."

The fact that she didn't think about me or about our child irked me. I took another mouthful from my drink to stop myself from losing my temper.

"Evan, please talk to me." Kat pleaded, putting her mug on the table and shuffling forward in her seat.

"I want to keep our baby."

It was the most important thing for me to say, and to make heard. She looked disappointed that I had ignored what she said about the kiss with Travis, but I didn't even know what to say about that at the time.

"This wasn't how I planned to start a family. I wanted to have things in place, or at least a proper relationship, I didn't want it to be with a man I couldn't have a future with."

"We could have had a future. We could have been a family." I argued, feeling myself losing my cool again.

"How would that have worked exactly? Us being together for a while, then when the fun stops, you go off to find another woman?" She exclaimed.

"Is that really how low you think of me?"

"It's what I've seen you do Evan. You've bounced from woman to woman, on nighters are the longest relationships you ever have, how would it be any different wit-"

"Because I love you! I fucking love you, and you ripped my heart out." I shouted, the words tumbling from my lips before I could stop them.

I saw her eyes bulge, her mouth hanging open and complete astonishment over her face.

"You... what?" She breathed.

"I love you." I repeated, "I was wondering how I would tell you, and then this happened."

"Evan I-"

"You know, when you told me you were pregnant, I was shocked, surprised... terrified even. But I was also happy, overwhelmingly so. And then you crushed me, you were so willing to make that choice to get rid of our baby." The words were coming faster and faster, I couldn't stop them and with each passing syllable, I could see her growing paler again.

"I didn't know, I had no idea."

"Yet, the possibility never even entered your mind, you never thought that I might be different with you. After all this time, you saw me just as all the others did and you shut me out. Leaving me to chase after you and beg you to listen, coming face to face with you kissing the man who gave you up before."

A stunned silence stretched between us, the only sound to be heard was my own laboured breathing as I attempted to calm myself down, and the ticking clock on the wall.

"I don't know what to say. Other than I'm sorry." Kat muttered solemnly.

"I know you are. But it's not that easy. I can't forget everything that has been said and happened tonight. And I'm not telling you because I want you to do what I want. I told you because you should know."

She nodded slowly, and I sighed.

"I can't do anything more now, other than tell you, I know what I want. If you have this baby, I will always be there for him or her. I will always love my child and put them above everything else."

A slight smile played at the corners of her mouth in reaction to my words.

"Even though we won't be together." I finished.

Her smile vanished, and I saw her recoil slightly, choking back a sob as her eyes flooded with tears.

"Evan please. Don't do that."

It was agonising to see her upset, and to know it was me causing it, but I wouldn't be together purely for the sake of a child. It wouldn't work, and it wasn't fair. I wanted them to grow up happy and loved, not with two people who weren't together for the right reasons. As much as I loved Kat, even after everything tonight, we couldn't be together without one important thing, and it was something that she hadn't said, something that I didn't think she even felt. We couldn't be together without her loving me too.