Ray of light

It’s not that easy” Yvette thought, bringing back the memories of her conversation with the radiant but stern, angelic voice of Julie-Marie. “…trusting the Universe...”

“It is important to go with the flow, stay grounded, not living from our heads too much, and not striving for control. Yet, when the results just don’t come, when one’s mood is turning low, the first thing you judge yourself with is that you let things spin out of control…” Yvette wondered. She was trying to control her breathing to achieve an inner serenity, walking down the street towards her favorite bakery in the neighborhood. It was a sunny Saturday morning, not long after 10, long, golden rays of light swept through the sidewalk which was already bordered by the small piles of fallen leaves, gathered up tidily. Delightful mornings like this become rare gifts in this part of the year, when Nature prepared for the long slumber ahead. Yvette expressed some gratefulness for the unexpectedly pleasant weather, and let the warm feelings loop around inside her body. She knew the solutions of course, as an accomplished, soulful being walking a spiritual path. She was through with these fights, encountered those many times in her life. In fact, it is easy. You just need to concentrate on always doing what is best for you - and not let quick desires, sudden emotions blind you. Passions can fill you up with energy if you live them to the fullest, but ride them too much too often, and you will have a hard time finding your trail again.

Problem is, theory is one thing, but life is never in default mode. There is always something special around, which makes finding that balance a constant challenge. If you do it right, it feels like a rewarding competition. If you do it wrong, it becomes a bitter struggle for survival.

She was trying to let go of it all, and focus on her present, immediate existence.

But what she was trying the hardest, is not to check her phone every two minutes to see whether Jay wrote something.

He took her to dinner yesterday. It was the kind of classic romantic evening, with candles and wine and four-course meals. It was a great time. Jay was working hard, he was really focused all week. Yvette quickly noticed that he always responds to her messages, like clockwork, in the same time windows: in his lunch break, before he leaves his office in the evening, and shortly after he gets home and in the morning, at his first coffee. These were his routines but he never messages any other time. For her, it was something she could look up to, that level of concentration, she herself always checked her e-mails and notifications on the fly, and she could not waste a second, what if it’s something important? She was a great procrastinator, and often got lost daydreaming. Jay was different in this aspect, but how professional he was in his business, it was the same with everything else. Work hard, party hard. He made the most of his life. Yvette was blown away when she realized that Jay instinctively chose a restaurant she always wanted to go to, but there was no one to take her there yet. It wasn’t a place for a chat with girlfriends, and Ben did not know much about the restaurant scene. Jay, however, seemed to know everything about the joys of life, but in a reserved, elegant manner which Yvette found very attractive. Jay enjoyed talking, chilling, letting out the steam together with her, and of course, the experience of a delicious meal, after a long, hard week of work.

He took her to his place afterwards and they’ve been making love for hours.

Yvette slept over twice the first week they got together, but this was the first time they had nothing to care about, but each other. It was the start of the weekend, so no worries about tomorrow. They fell asleep at the first rays of the morning light.

Jay had some business to take care of though. He mentioned it days before, so it wasn’t a surprise for Yvette, but she still had a hard time leaving that bed. She could very easily imagine staying in there for the rest of the day, order food, watch TV, and have sex, like they were teenagers. She knew she is diving inside this relationship like a hawk, or quite the contrary, breathing it in like someone escaping the embrace of the depths and just reaching the surface of the sea. She knew she needs to leave some air to Jay as well - she just could not help giving herself to these feelings she was longing for.

Jay drove her home and left. Yvette knew he would be busy for the rest of the day, and he left the possibility of a movie that evening; still, it was hard to accept. Nice autumn weather or not.

Whatever happens, happens. Yvette typed in “hi :)” three times, and erased it all three times. Jay was very polite and thorough yesterday, and he made sure Yvette understood he would be busy on this day, coordinating an important on-site business event through the afternoon. It would be childish to pressurize him. If she pushes too hard, it will chase him away. Julie-Marie made that quite clear, but sadly, it was no more than highlighting something Yvette already knew and felt.

“It would be nice to know if that movie is still feasible, though.” Yvette thought, biting into a vanilla- filled croissant.

The next few weeks flew by. Yvette felt like a leaf in the wind, drifting towards her inescapable fate. The days turned cold and rain soaked the streets. Her emotional rollercoaster did not seem to stop, and she was past her first few serious fights with Jay. Sometimes it seemed they were on the brink of breaking up, but sex afterwards was always fantastic, and the next morning everything always seemed so perfect;, that Yvette quickly accepted that this is just how their relationship is shaping up, smoothing the rough edges, so they can work on their lives together without a hitch.

Jocelyn was gone, and Julie-Marie remained awkwardly silent, always busy with guiding someone else. Yvette thought she might want to express something with her sudden silence - she almost felt reprimanded by it. “Well, the old goose will loosen up once she needs the dough”, Yvette thought, and decided to leave her guides out of her life for a while. She was busy filling her life with Jay anyway, although she was a little afraid, as she felt one side of her personality opening up again, one aspect she worked hard in the past to make peace with, and let go of.

After an intense week of fighting, forgiving, and bondage sex, she retreated to her castle, the old family home again, to lick her wounds, quite literally. Her ankles and wrists were sore from the light bruises the handcuffs left on her. She learned to enjoy each of these sessions more, as she opened herself up and dived into the ecstasy of complete exposedness.

The garden was invisible under the blanket of the fallen leaves of the giant oak. She felt grateful that she got some repairs done earlier, in the summer, because the quickly and smoothly running hot tap water was a real blessing this time of the year, as the colds started to bite. She took a huge, comforting bath with ice cream, champagne and candles, before hitting her old bed and sleeping through most of the next day.

The next morning Yvette woke up to a beautiful day. Bright sunlight filled the spacious rooms with old furniture, the flying dust glinting in the golden rays. It was a relief, after weeks of overcast sky and lots of rain. She lit her candles, her sage from the garden, placed a teapot on the stove.

“I am enough, I am loved, and I love myself.” she said to herself quietly. “I will find love because I deserve love, I want love.” She almost felt the presence of her grandparents, smiling over her, as she was using their old things in their old kitchen.

As she sipped on her tea and smelled the sweet smells of jasmine and plumeria flowers blowing in the wind, and eating her juicy grapes picked from the hillsides nearby, she began to write a list of what she wanted in a man.

“A different look, mysterious, he must have a sense of humor, intuitive and be able to read my feelings without having to say a word. He must love to write, read and listen to music, he must be able to accept me for who I am, and not for the things that I have. He must love sex!”

Her phone beeped. It was the app which is in connection with the gate bell and the surveillance system she had installed a few months back. The sound made it clear that Jack arrived, and pushed the ring button. With a touch on her phone, she saw the picture of the small HD camera attached under the wings of the owl statuette on a pillar of the gate. It was Jack’s old Land Rover. She opened the gate, grabbed the teapot with two mugs and went down ahead to greet him.

“Thanks a lot for coming…” breathed Yvette, crossing her legs on the bench “...you okay here, I mean, you don’t mind staying out? It’s a bit brisk, I know, but the Sun shines so delightfully, I thought…”

“Nah, it’s alright.” answered Jack, flashing his million dollar smile.

“And do excuse me for this invitation, it must be strange…”

“No problem at all! You sure you don’t need anything, though, I got my tools with me in the pickup…” Jack gestured helpfully back to the old white all-terrain vehicle.

“No. Thank you. It is something else I need… taken care of.” Yvette said, blushing.

“I’m all ears, Yvette.” said Jack, his eyes cast down first, but then looking straight at Yvette. He tried to look confident, with some degree of success.

“Look.” she sighed “I know you already think I’m a little crazy, and this will not help, so, please don’t judge me, this is very… stupid.”

“You know how to tease, really.” he said with a boyish laugh “I’m telling you, Yvette, I’m not like all these folks around here, you know, sometimes I put my nose out of these woods, I’ve been to town, I even, guess what, been out of State a few times! I don’t even think you’re crazy, I just wanted to make sure… you know, and you’re a nice lady coming here all alone usually, so I wanted you to know that… if you need anything, Jack’s at your service!”

“I know. I appreciate that. Really.” Yvette nurtured some guilty thoughts about what she would ask from this handsome, honest guy, especially now that she had a taste of sub-o erotica, but she quickly rerouted her thinking. Situation is pretty awkward as it is, no need to make it more severe.

Jack nodded and waited expectantly.

“Okay...” Yvette gathered her will. “It’s about a letter. I got a letter. I… don’t know who sent it. This could not come with the post as there is no address on it, no stamps, nothing. Someone just threw it in the post box.”

“Go on. What’s with the letter?”

“It’s just… you have any idea who sent it?”

“Ah, well. You know, they are probably kids, teasing you. Nothing, you know..., intimidating I hope?”

“Nah, no way, no…” Yvette laughed in embarrassment “It’s just freaky, that’s all what it is.”

“Okay. Is there anything in the contents that could give you ideas, who the sender might be?”

“Jack… it’s a single word.”

“Oh. Really?”

“Yeah. It says…” Yvette pondered for a few seconds over whether she should go ahead with sharing what was in the letter, but it was already so ridiculous, she decided to go for it. “It says ‘ASK’ “.

“Ask?”

“Yeah…”

“That’s it? Ask? A-S-K?”

“Exactly.”

“Well, Yvette…” said Jack “I’ll see what I can do!” and he busted into laughter. “I mean, sure, I will ask around… not ask, I mean… sorry, I didn’t mean to...I’m just...well, I will try to help.”

“Thanks.” said Yvette, biting her lip. “I know, I shouldn’t have brought it up, it’s stupid…”

“It’s perfectly fine, I mean, only reason it’s funny because I imagined a somewhat regular mail, with something actually written in it. And it’s just… a word. Not a very… telling word, even.”

“You know, since my Dad died, no one writes, who would write a mail anyway, nowadays, but really, it’s been ages since something arrived here. I thought it should mean something…”

“Maybe someone wants to encourage you. To be open, go forward and… just ask.”

“Let me know if you have any ideas about this mystical someone.”

“I will, Yvette. We’ll get to the bottom of this. You know, if you give me the envelope… my cousins have this investigator kit. We could check it for prints.”

“Wow. Why not? Cool!”

Yvette gave the high quality French envelope with absolutely no sign on it, to Jack, who put on his gloves not to contaminate it with his own fingerprints, and put the evidence into his toolbox, carefully. They shared some good laughs, than he drove away into the gathering darkness.

Yvette successfully navigated her attention away from Jay, with her evening yoga session and an hour of silent prayer. While practicing the asana, she thought about Grace, how she needed her loving company, and felt a longing for the next early morning yoga session they will have in the city. Suddenly, she felt sad and alone within these ancient, cold stonewalls. She could only blame herself, as Grace offered to join, but Yvette said she needed the “me” time. Jay was out of town for a three-day business trip. Yvette thought she needed to be alone to clear her head a little, but now she was fearful. She feared that in reality she came here to feel sorry for herself, because of Jay not taking her with him. That was a scary thought. She did not want to be like that. She exhaled lengthily, and directed all her attention to her breathing and the control of her movements.

When she left the mansion for the city, the first snowflakes drifted down from the sky. When covered in snow, the country was like a fairytale. But she had no mood for the cold winds, and the snow was going to melt away anyway, leaving only mud and water behind. As the flakes glittered in her headlights, she suddenly realized the reason why Julie-Marie fell silent. She wanted her last message to sink in. Yvette felt her watchful presence often, sometimes saw her in her dreams, her slender features embraced by angel fire, dressed only in her long golden hair, like the sort of manga figure she looks on the animated avatar image, but all the time, she was only watching, without speaking a word, her quizzical expression on her face, which was never a smile, yet it radiated benevolence, but also an encouraging expectance. She wanted something from her, and she believed in Yvette, that she is capable, but she cannot help until she takes the next step. The truth was burning in front of Yvette like daylight, although she saw only the reflections of her own lights thanks to the snowflakes dancing ahead, while she whizzed by the dark wall of pine trees. Julie-Marie wanted her to trust. Trusting the Universe means trusting herself, most of all. Letting go of the attachments, letting go of expecting more than what she gets. Not checking her phone every minute, not feeling bad about her partner behaving exactly like he should behave in that certain phase of their relationship, with his obviously careful, and most of all respectful personality. Yvette banged on the steering wheel in frustration as she realized that this is exactly what Julie-Marie was telling her with her silence. She had simply nothing more to say, until Yvette is ready to take the next step, and becomes prepared for their next session.

Yvette felt the world under her, turning, roaming its cosmic path. She decided that she’d call Julie-Marie first thing in the office tomorrow, and would apologize. She knew, that this time, the metaphysical teacher will answer her call.